BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids You won't know love until you have kids.....

I think I have had enough of this statement and others like it. I don't knock anyone for wanting and being able to actually care for the kids they have (or want to have). But, I do have a problem with the implication that I am too stupid to know what to do with my life, that I am cheating myself out of the greatest experience known to man, or some sort of other like sentiment.....
Why can't some people realize that we all define happiness and fulfillment in different ways? People seem to accept this thought in other areas of life when it comes to significant others, careers, religious beliefs but when it comes to children...
I am starting to feel like I am trapped in the twilight zone or something. Do you ever feel like maybe there is something wrong with you.... I am starting to think that maybe I am psychologically scarred or something and can't seem to get to the point of (what I consider to be) reckless abandon and just forget everything I think I know about life and just ...I don't know...
Just in a weird place. Thanks for listening (reading)

I hear ya dstlady. I hear this SO MUCH! I'm very sick of it. What is wrong with all these people who can't love someone unless it comes out of their stomach? If they adopt, does the magic motherlove come the same way?

I wasn't even planning to respond, because I just had nothing new to add besides "I know what you mean!" but then I happened to click over to Truemomconfessions.com and see this one:

I knew I never wanted children. I made it clear I never wanted children. I hate children. And now I hate myself, my kids, and the assh*le that's responsible. I know I had options, but I was young and stupid and thought 'maybe it'll be different when it's mine'.
It is different. It's worse.

Sometimes I just want to run away.

DST Lady,

Are you in NC? Not trying to pry, but I think that's what it says under your name. I'm trying to figure out if you are in the bible belt, because that would explain a lot.

I don't think you are crazy, because I feel the same way. Although children can bring some happiness, there are other things that bring me greater happiness. And I wouldn't be able to enjoy any of the other things if I had kids.

I agree with you - it isn't one size fits all. You are probably a more evolved person, and giving this greater thought than the average person. That's why they don't get you. Some people are really basic, and want to do average things. I hope you can find some cool people to hang out with, that aren't totally wrapped up in babies. Because I understand - if you are CF, you probably don't want to spend all of your free time with parents. You might as well have kids of your own if you hang out with parents all the time LOL! At least, that's how I feel about it.

Actually, I just want run away from all the self-righteous mothers in the world!!

I had a conversation (well a few) with my mom while visiting with her last weekend. She met a woman who adopted and told her it was FREE. That is very different info than anything I've ever heard, so thought I should let everyone here know (especially since I quoted $20K in a discussion awhile ago...woops...guess that was wrong. Apparently it's different if you do it through public agencies not private). My mom wanted to know if I wanted the lady to call me to discuss how she did it, in case I wanted to.

I tried to explain how I'm feeling about it to my mom. She tries to be understanding, but I know she feels like it's just something you have to DO to UNDERSTAND, and there's no other way. Well, everyone says that. She ALWAYS tells me "It's Different When it's Your Own."

I asked her how that would work if you adopted, since it wasn't your own. To me this seems like a valid question to put toward people who are pressuring me to have a kid through whatever means necessary (like adoption). Although I generally like kids, I don't like ALL kids, and I get very tired of taking care of other people's kids (like when babysitting, or working in daycare). So, would it be different if it was my own even if it was adopted? I told her in all honesty, adopting would be even more like an endless 24/7 babysitting job to me. Sorry, but maybe that would change...I have no way of knowing, but if it didn't change, yikes!

My mom was shocked and annoyed with my callous thinking. She said "Of course it's different. If you adopt they are still your own!" I can see that if a) I was desperately longing to have a kid and b) I really loved all kids and c) I desired the job of childrearing. But since none of those options are true, I have a very hard time believing it.

But this is the woman who raised me with the belief that anyone without children is selfish, so how do I believe anything she says???

My blood ran cold when I read this. That would totally be me. I just thank (insert name of favourite celestial being here) that I have the courage to say no, and mean it.

That's how it would be for me, too. It would be drudgery all the way. For me, love wouldn't make a [censored] job less [censored]. I would cry every time the child cried, because I wouldn't want to deal with it.

All depends on the definition of love.

I think the greatest example of love is selfless, which is really not parental love, because there is a biological/instinctive component (ensuring the continuation of your genes). I am thinking Albert Schweitzer, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, etc.

And some types of love ya don't wanna experience. I don't want to partake of obsessive love (stalking!), star-crossed love (Romeo & Juliet), forbidden love (Thorn Birds?!), unrequited love (been there, done that, very painful).

I think I will be just fine with the love of the people already IN my life family, friends, pets (yes, I count them as people), and especially my DH. Not to mention my other loves: skiing, swimming, hiking, nature, history, books, poetry, films, writing, music.

So I do feel that I know what "love" is. I think for me personally, having kids might teach me the opposite: "You don't know what hate is until you have kids"!!!

Selkie- you're reading my mind.

Maybe the love of a parent for a child really is different and unique. I can't know, not being a parent.

Still doesn't mean I need to experience it to get the most out of life.

Maybe skydiving is the most amazing thrill on earth. I still don't want to do it.

And frieda- I feel the same way about adoption. When I feel the rare pull towards parenthood, this is one of the things I remind myself of. To me, it's a metric- if and when I really feel like I would really want to adopt, that's when I would consider myself as wanting to parent for purely the right reasons (loving and raising a child irrespective of the genetic roll of the dice).

I always wonder about this because it pops up in every conversation I have read on the internet when articles discuss childfree lifestyles.

I don't know what it is like to feel the love for my own child, but I care for abandoned pets whose owners decide they are tired of them and when these animals sit in my lap I feel tremendous amounts of love. My heart hurts because of love when my cat curls up next to me at night to sleep. Is this love different? Maybe, maybe not, but it doesn't mean I don't know love.

Hear hear Selkie!