BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence He agreed!

Bit of an update on my situation. Until now my ex hasn't bothered to contact me at all concerning seeing our kids. Since I divorced him a couple years ago and then went back, my daughters parenting plan is set with "restricted to no visitation" because he abandoned her and then ignored the court documents at the time. This time though I was trying to do something similar with my sons parenting plan, but though he didn't respond in writing, my ex did show up to court on the day the temporary orders were presented. Through some clerical errors on the courts part, that date didn't end up happening. Instead my ex talked to my attorney and wanted child support obligation lowered (big surprise) and contended that he didn't abandon my son.

Okay, so then I had to think of a visitation plan that would be agreeable while not putting my son in harms way. I wrote it up so that he could have 1 hour 1 day a week of supervised visitation (because my son is only 4 months old, and the exs history of DV which is proven because he is currently being charged with 3rd degree assault for hitting me - which is a felony) and the supervision would be with my mom and no one else present. I also want him to complete a long DV treatment program and attend a parenting class program.

When my attorney presented all this to my ex he was furious and my attorney said "that is one mean, angry and bitter man" and I am soooo glad he saw my ex like I do! Makes me look less bitter and more concerned about the kids welfare. But then yesterday my ex called my attorney and said "I'm not going to get anything more am I?" and then he agreed to that plan! Now, I left it open for future arrangements assuming he is in good standing in the programs and then completes them.

I'm not quite sure how to handle my daughter though. Technically he doesn't have visitation rights, but how can I send my son on visits with him and not include my daughter? I think I am going to wait and see how he responds to the first visit being just my son and see if he asks to see my daughter too. That will be sticky to play.

Just wanted to share. I don't want him to have visitations, but this is a good way to maybe get him help and work into it.

Dez

Dez,

Awesome to hear from you! This of course may give him an incentive to really change who he is and how he is. Kids rarely change an abuser. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones! How old is your daughter? How does she react to him? This may influence the courts judgement of visitation procedures as well. I know it stinks that abusers are allowed some parental rights. When my ex got out of jail for violating the retraining order we were appointed a mediator for his "parenting time" as they call it here. I was furious! I was like "parenting time??? He has never been a parent, why start now!" Well it didn't last long because he wanted me and me only to drop the children off to him and I was at the time in college and working at the college. When my now husband would offer to drop the kids off and pick them up, the ex hit the roof. He hasn't seen either of them since July 2004. Sad really but they have my husband and don't really remember my ex.

Since he didn't fight my proposal, and frankly he doesn't have the resources to do it. He's working part time at a McDonald's and living in a shelter right now. So the childsupport is basically statutory minimum at $25/mo. Which is irritating. BUT since he signed the parenting plan he agreed to it, and has to comply with it. So he has to get a DV eval and then enter treatment and then he can start getting visitations with my son.

My daughter is 4 years old, and though the scary part of him is getting distant, she does remember him. When she asks where he is, I usually just say he is living in another home now, and she seems to accept that.

It's going to be costly for my ex to do the DV treatment, but if he does it I really hope it helps him. The ball is kind of in his court now, though, because it is also his financial responsibility to pay for the course which will likely be quite long. Now we wait and see.

Dez