BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My Friend's Baby Shower

Okay, so my friend is 19 and pregnant. She has a horrible boyfriend, dropped out of college, and now she's pregnant. Well, I got an invitation to her baby shower, coming up early August. And here's the thing: just seeing baby stuff gets me physically and emotionally sick. My mom and grandma are really mad at me for not wanting to go, and I've tried to tell them the truth: that I wouldn't be a good guest. I don't want to touch her stomach, I don't want to give baby gifts, I don't want to act excited, heck, I don't even TALK when other people say things about babies or kids. I have nothing to say on the matter except for I don't want them and I certaintly don't like them. The only good thing about the date of the shower is that it's on a Saturday and I work weekends, but then again, it's long enough away that I'd be able to call off work that day (technically if I wanted to). But like I said, when I tell my grandma or mom that I'm NOT going they look at me and say, "Oh, Rosie. She's your friend. You need to be there for her." And that gives me guilty feelings. To add to all this, also, this friend didn't even talk to me for 5 months before she told me she was pregnant. So I need to be there for HER? Where was she?!?

Sorry, had to vent a little. Does anyone have any idea what to do in a situation like this?

Sounds like your friend is falling in to alot of the same situations many lost teens do, and I'm sorry to hear that. College isn't an opportunity many people get these days and it's very likely she may regret this decision later in life. I do have to ask why baby stuff gets you physically and emotionally sick? Have you been this way all your life? Is this how you will react to all your friends who decide to have children? Is this maybe why she didn't tell you she was pregnant for 5 months as she knew what your reaction would be? I'm not one to do something I don't want to do, so I don't really think there is anything wrong for not going - but I can't really decipher the true reason you don't want to go.

I think it's just the huge amount of dislike I have for kids and babies, for the reason of getting sick. I have been this way my whole life. It's just all so disgusting to me. Pregnancy, birth, the actual kids, etc. That's one thing I forgot to point out, though: this friend's never known my feelings on kids. And it was 8 months she didn't talk to me altogether: 5 months before she got pregnant and then 3 months AFTER she got pregnant she told me. She wasn't even a "best" friend of mine, but we were getting a stronger relationship until she stopped talking to me.

It's all so messed up and confusing.

You reasons for not going are your personal business. And unless this is a very close friend that has always been there for you, you are really under no obligation to go. Especially considering your overall attitude towards the topic of kids, I can certainly understand why you don't want to go in the first place.

I hate to sound so cynical but it is from personal experience. It's always amazing how many old friends and acquaintances and relatives all of a sudden come popping out of the wordwork again once someone gets pregnant. It seems to be a prelude to the gift grab. Let's be nice and talk to so-and-so now so they'll come to the shower and buy gifts. Um, I don't think so. DH's niece just pulled this cr@p a couple of months ago.

Sounds like your friend is not really that good of a friend if you didn't even talk for almost a year. You should feel absolutely NO obligation whatsoever to go to her shower and your family is wrong to try to pressure you into doing so.

Just give your regrets and say you already have other plans for the day in question.

I can understand how you feel because I too despise everything about baby showers and pregnancy. You shouldn't have to feign interest in something that bothers you so much. If other people including your family can't understand, then that's their problem, not yours.

Frankly, I don't think that a pregnancy in your friend's situation is something to be celebrated anyway.

I agree with this- an invitation is not an obligation. They can be turned down. Amazing how many people tend to forget this.
You can tell the shower-ee and your family you have plans, even if those plans consist of sitting on the couch watching TV. They're still plans.

Tim's Girl,

I can understand why babies etc. might make you sick - could it be because they are shoved down women's throats from a very early age?

I no longer go unless it's a close family member that I have a relationship with. I also agree that this occasion is not one that's worth celebrating. Her life is pretty much over. I've seen the teen pregnancy scenario play out too many times, and it usually doesn't work out well.

I don't know your friend at all, but I remember being a teenager. And it's so classic for women to drop their female friends when they meet a guy. They show up for the gifts, and then disappear again when they have kids. Then they have a really great excuse for being "too busy."

I don't think you owe her anything. Send a card, money or a gift. I just did this recently for an acquaintance. I met up with her to give her her shower gifts. And, ironically, she started pestering me about whether I will have kids. I got out of there as fast as I could! Just had her baby pictures e-mailed to me this week - she's (the Mom's) as big as a house! Not for me!

I can relate very well to your experience with baby showers. Literally all of my friends are having (or recently had) their first baby. I always attend the baby showers to be a good, supportive friend, but being around the moms, young and old, who like to talk about their past pregnancy and childbirth experiences make me very uncomfortable. I stay to look at the gifts, but not too much longer than that. I do not try to make much noise about the discomfort around my friends, because I don't want to "rain on their parade". However, I do love to come to this forum and chat with other women that understand how I feel.

Anyway, I agree with a lot of your other replies. If she's not that close, I would just send a greeting card with a gift certificate to Babies-R-Us!

I completely agree. And the biggest thing that gets me is that her mom is HAPPY for her. Or, at least that's what she told me...and her invitation said the baby shower's being thrown by her mother. Don't get me wrong, these are really nice people. But to be happy for your daughter that dropped out of college to have her boyfriend's baby is a little crazy to me. She'll have no time to go back, especially if she has more kids over the years.

I recently found my birth family as I am adopted, and my oldest birth sister told me she went through exactly what my friend's going through. But, she was married to her husband at the time. But she was in her first year of college when she got pregnant and had to drop out. She said she really wishes she could have gone. I told her about my friend and she said I should still stay in contact with her, so she has someone, but upon finding out about how she didn't talk to me for months before I knew she was pregnant, my sister said she could turn out to be one of those "needy" people or something. One of the types that ignores you and then comes around again when they need something. I hate to say it but I think that might be what she's doing.

I really liked her, but she's got to realize what a mistake she made. She'll love her pregnancy and baby showers, but after the baby comes it won't be about her anymore. I feel really sad for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted By: Esley

Frankly, I don't think that a pregnancy in your friend's situation is something to be celebrated anyway.

Point.