BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Outside Influence By Friends and Family

I have been dating this 49 year old lady for just under five months now. She is of European decent and I am of British decent. She has had four relationships in her life ( two marriages) and I have been married once (22 yrs.). Her family si very close and mine is not. Over the past five months she has introduce me to some of her friends and family. She has two girls 21 and 25. I have three boys, 18,20 and 23. My boyus donot live with me and her girls are part time due to University.
Yesterday, some of her friends and her two girls voiced their concerns that I haven't introduced my three boys to her yet and why I haven't introduced her to my friends. I told her on many occassions that my friends are business professionals with families and outside interests and commitments and over the past ten years I haven't seen many of thme because they have very busy schedules. I told her that the main reason I haven't inforduced her to my thre boys is because I jumpted the gun on tow previous relationships and my boys ere not treated well and now they are gun shy and really not overly thrilled about a possible repeat performance. Her friends have told her that I must have something to hide, since she has been an open book and I have not. She lives in a small bedroom community town and I live in a big city. Her friends have now got her raising " red flags" on this issue and the fact that I am so secretive. I told her that because of my boys past experience, I wanted to consumate this relationship between her and myself first and foremost before I introduce her to my boys and friends. She is siding with her friends and believes what they say. I told her that her friends know nothing about me, know nothing about my past experiences about my boys, are judgemental and because you are totally comfortable with what she has done in five months, I have been burned before and just being a little more cautious this time round. I told her I have nothing to hide and have no problem and told her that her friends are not in or running this relationship. There are other issues that bother her based on what her daughters and friends see in their eyes. I love to cook and they say that I have taken over the ktichen and taking control of her life. They say that her exorberant spending is none of my business. She is spending 27 cents more on the dollar then she is bringing in, and I have a concern that she is getting too far in debt and her lifestyle has to change and start saving for retirement. She said " I love life, live for today and her money is none of my business".
I don't know where to turn. Is she right and I am wrong" Or is she wrong and I am right? What should I do and how do I address this situation and all the things that her family and friends are saying? I would really appreciate any advise. Thanks.

Well, this is just my personal opinion, but i will do my best.

I noted, as you have, that many of the concerns you mention stem from differences in how you and your lady relate to your respective families. Neither of you is wrong in how you relate, it's just different. And when we care about someone in a relationship, we need to try to address their concerns from their perspective. In other words, you can't expect her to just stop caring or listening to what her daughters think. And they probably assume you care as much what your sons think. I think you're going to have to try to treat the lady and her daughters almost as a unit.

I think if she is spending more than she is earning, that is a valid concern, and i can see your concern is just because you care for her! You don't want her to be deprived of anything, you just want her to be financially secure and independent. That's being on her side. I think that is wonderful! So with this i think you just need to communicate better with her and with her daughters. It IS still her decision how she spends, so you must respect that, even if she chooses foolishly. But i think if you let her and her daughters know where you're coming from and that it is just because you are concerned for her, that might go better. Perhaps with the right approach, once they see what might happen to their mom if she overspends, you could enlist their help in talking to her about her spending.

You also mentioned their asking to see your family. On this, and again this is just my opinion, but i think you should give in, and at least ASK your family and some friends to meet with her. She is obviously very important to you! And meeting them is obviously important to her and her daughters. They are a close family, and this may also be a cultural difference... to meet you and yet not meet the other important people in your life may feel like they are only seeing a part of you. i can see how they might feel like this is a lack of commitment and openness on your part. Whether or not you quite understand their need, they still have it. And i think arranging a meeting or two or three would do an awful lot in gaining their trust and belief that you really do care about her. Ask your sons. Leave it up to them. Your sons are grown up... they can each start deciding for themselves. Just tell them that you are dating a wonderful lady who has become important to you, and would they come round and say hello? You don't have to make it a big deal, or only about meeting her. Perhaps on the next small holiday you could plan a dinner. The longer it goes without meeting, the more a big deal it becomes. You don't even need to phrase it that the purpose is to meet her.

As far as the kitchen goes... has she herself complained? Doesn she enjoy your cooking? I would let that be the answer. Of course... it is very romantic to cook together!

Well, this is just my personal opinion, but i will do my best.

I noted, as you have, that many of the concerns you mention stem from differences in how you and your lady relate to your respective families. Neither of you is wrong in how you relate, it's just different. And when we care about someone in a relationship, we need to try to address their concerns from their perspective. In other words, you can't expect her to just stop caring or listening to what her daughters think. And they probably assume you care as much what your sons think. I think you're going to have to try to treat the lady and her daughters almost as a unit.

I think if she is spending more than she is earning, that is a valid concern, and i can see your concern is just because you care for her! You don't want her to be deprived of anything, you just want her to be financially secure and independent. That's being on her side. I think that is wonderful! So with this i think you just need to communicate better with her and with her daughters. It IS still her decision how she spends, so you must respect that, even if she chooses foolishly. But i think if you let her and her daughters know where you're coming from and that it is just because you are concerned for her, that might go better. Perhaps with the right approach, once they see what might happen to their mom if she overspends, you could enlist their help in talking to her about her spending.

You also mentioned their asking to see your family. On this, and again this is just my opinion, but i think you should give in, and at least ASK your family and some friends to meet with her. She is obviously very important to you! And meeting them is obviously important to her and her daughters. They are a close family, and this may also be a cultural difference... to meet you and yet not meet the other important people in your life may feel like they are only seeing a part of you. i can see how they might feel like this is a lack of commitment and openness on your part. Whether or not you quite understand their need, they still have it. And i think arranging a meeting or two or three would do an awful lot in gaining their trust and belief that you really do care about her. Ask your sons. Leave it up to them. Your sons are grown up... they can each start deciding for themselves. Just tell them that you are dating a wonderful lady who has become important to you, and would they come round and say hello? You don't have to make it a big deal, or only about meeting her. Perhaps on the next small holiday you could plan a dinner. The longer it goes without meeting, the more a big deal it becomes. You don't even need to phrase it that the purpose is to meet her.

As far as the kitchen goes... has she herself complained? Doesn she enjoy your cooking? I would let that be the answer. Of course... it is very romantic to cook together!

HI,
If your sons don't want to meet her then that is up to them. They are adults & you can keep it open if they want to meet her someday. You are only dating for 5 months & for you to tell her anything about her spending is not really your business. I could see if you were dating a long time, or living together or married & then discuss it. No, there is nothing wrong with you giving her your opinion about it. But if you keep telling her about it to me it is like trying to control her. It really is her $ & business to spend the way she wants to.

My daughter & I are very close & we always share our thoughts & opinions but we don't try to force issues like this lady's friends & family seem to do. You have to ask yourself if you really want to be involved with a lady who seems to side with her friends & family's opinions & suggestions. She depends alot on that & that is not too good if she never seems to side with you on much. I would say that you are the one who should see red flags about her with all of this going on. She should be glad that you like to cook & want to cook. Also as I mentioned 5 months is not very long & you both should be in that honeymoom phase but many concerns & problems are coming up already. I hope that you talk to her about how it makes you feel that she values her family & friends views over yours. Your sons should not be forced to meet her if they are not comfortable with that. If she doesn't understand then it is her problem. They can decide for themselves. Well, good luck to you. Judy K. from Chicago.

i'm NOT going to say that you BOTH should do this or...you BOTH should do that because...you KNOW what you BOTH should do...do you see the two words that i have capitalized ?? what i'm saying to you MWH is: the decisions that you as a couple must make need to come from you as a couple !!! you BOTH have every answer that you need within yourselves. please don't get me wrong...sometimes it's good to speak with others but...ultimately...your answer will come from within. the advice that i will give is this: you BOTH need to speak to each other from your hearts and souls at all times !!!