BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids another dumb reason to have kids, i think...

"I feel the same way about people that find God after they've done lots of drugs. It's so lame."

Ah! You've described my brother to a tee! Honestly!

"I feel like saying, why don't you spend some quiet time in nature. The people you describes are so weak, because it's like they can't be spiritual on their own. They have to bring someone else into the equation." Exactly! For me, my spirtuality grew through yes looking outside a bit but also looking inside to what I did and did not believe, while continuing to respect others' paths. And yes, lots of lovely walks in nature!

I have this concern too Athena Marina! I have numerous nieces and nephews that live near and far because my husband has a few sisters. At first I thought I'd be very involved in babysitting, but my husband, who knew his sisters much better than me, felt like if we were too willing we'd end up a dumping ground for the kids. Some of the kids are easier to take than others, and of course the parents who want us to babysit the most are the ones with the difficult kids. Once I got to know his sisters better, I realized he was right, because if you lay down at all they'll walk all over you (some more than others). I regret it a little, because it makes me all the more left out of their clique, but I realized it didn't make me feel more a part of their lives while I was babysitting while they go shopping or hang out with their friends!

"I feel the same way about people that find God after they've done lots of drugs. It's so lame."

Ah! You've described my brother to a tee! Honestly!

"I feel like saying, why don't you spend some quiet time in nature. The people you describes are so weak, because it's like they can't be spiritual on their own. They have to bring someone else into the equation." Exactly! For me, my spirtuality grew through yes looking outside a bit but also looking inside to what I did and did not believe, while continuing to respect others' paths. And yes, lots of lovely walks in nature!

I don't think it sounds weird at all! From what I've seen, the CF that have chosen that path (as opposed to infertility) have given it much in-depth thought. Maybe because they have to defend themselves so much?

- CookieCody

I heard the saying one time that we are not raising children, we are preparing adults. And that is so true, because childhood does not last. (If it did, I'd keep my kids from going through the horrible "tween" stage!)

Oh, and BTW - I think the worst reason for having kids is to "save our marriage". It never works, and puts the poor child into a bad situation.

I totally agree with this. I had a friend who said her parents told her that she "saved their marriage" because her parents were about to split when she was born, but stayed together when her mother got pregnant, then divorced when she was four years old. How is that "saving their marriage"? It just prolonged the inevitable!

Like Dr. Phil says, no child should be born with a job!

Cindy

Wow. I'm really glad to see this discussion. I too am very interested in learning why people have kids. I've seen CF persons described as "selfish." But isn't it selfish to have a child just so you're not left out when all your friends are having them?

Isn't it selfish to want to create some kind of legacy through your child? There are so many other positive ways to "leave your mark." For example, we all know Thomas Edison for the lightbulb, not his children (if he had any at all)!

I think it's pretty selfless to say, you know, I really don't think I'd be a good parent so I don't want to put a child through that.

I also think it's selfless to realize that the earth can only survive so long with so many consumers in it!

I don't do drugs, but I have to think you can have a better experience of the divine through nature. I don't think God would set it up so that drug users get a better experience of the divine, but that's just me.

It's like trying to take a short cut or something. Like when someone takes diet pills instead of exercising or cutting back on their food intake. It's artificial somehow.

Another stupid reason to have kids:

A woman I know has two kids. Their brother-in-law says it's debatable whether they can afford the two.

But her sisters all have big families, and her brother-in-law fears she will have another to keep up with her sisters.

I know how ridiculous this sounds, but I just thank God I am not in her family. Because I know the pressure would be much worse for me.

I would like to think I would be able to maintain my views in the midst of a pronatalist family, but who knows.

Do you think it's possible that some women aren't capable of thinking deeply about their life choices? Maybe it isn't their fault? Everyone on this board expresses themselves really well and thinks very seriously about their life choices - but maybe not everyone can do this.

The woman I just mentioned above - I don't think she would even know she was having another child to be like her sisters, do you know what I mean?

Some people just aren't that in touch with themselves.

BellaHarmony: Re "..From what I've seen, the CF that have chosen that path (as opposed to infertility) have given it much in-depth thought. Maybe because they have to defend themselves so much?.."

At first I thought you were saying we were all infertile! (Which I for one am NOT!!) then I read it again and got it!

Yes, I do have to defend myself a bit. I didn't mind at all talking about it if people asked, and I would only talk about it in a very nice way, cos I am someone respectful of other's paths too! (Including those who choose to be parents.) But then a colleague of mine started being a bit nasty about it so I've clammed up!

But it's also something I have wanted to be SURE about, either way, you know? And I am.

In a word: yes. For example, I worked with a girl whose branch of Christianity required her to be a vegetarian. Being unfamiliar with this, I asked "why?" expecting to hear something about caring for all God's creatures, or animals are unclean, etc. Instead I heard "because that's what the church teaches." When I pressed further, she couldn't tell me WHY the church taught that. When I asked if she ever questioned it, she said "no - [she'd] never thought about it!" She also was newly married and gung-ho to have babies. Same thing... it's just what you "did" - she went to some vocational college (like jr college maybe?), met her husband, married, got preg. and quit working.

Wow. It never occurred to me to just drift through life on autopilot, maintaining a pre-programmed course, not challenging or controlling my direction. Granted, I may not be where I intended, but by golly, I got here of my own accord!