BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Kelly Clarkson on Motherhood - Go Kelly!

Quite. While it's nice that someone in the public eye has admitted to not wanting children, her justification merely reinforces the stereotype of the selfish childfree and the morally superior parent. I really wish CF celebrities didn't feel the need to couch their decision in these terms - it does us all a disservice.

Welcome Damita- glad you could join us! Nah, you don't have to be married to be here!

I started "the conversation" with my husband (DH) in stages, beginning when we were dating but moving to a more serious relationship. It's an exploration we're still in the middle of, without making a firm, final decision either way. We still have a few years before my body forces "not now or in the forseeable future" to become "not ever".

Right now we're about 60-70% sure we will remain CF, but the number may change in either direction, as it has a few times already!

Thanks for the bday wish, PG, and welcome, Damita. I totally know where you're coming from, and recently discovered this wonderful forum myself. It truly does help as you're going through the should we/shouldn't we have kids debate in your mind, as well as with your significant other. Tonight, at b'day dinner, as we were getting quite drunk (Happy Hour - nicely priced martinis, market price lobster, cheap appetizers - good stuff), I was really being pretty clear to my DH where I stand on the subject, which is just about 99% in favor of CF forever, and though he's saying he loves me and that's it, I still find that I'm more in the CF camp than he is at this point. Hopefully that will change - I don't want to feel "guilty" that I'm denying him something, though I would never have a child unless it was something I wanted too. Not only does raising a child (I have no problem with kitties, which we have 6 of and love to death) scare me, I am also scared of the physical and emotional toll it would take on me/us. I don't think a lot of people understand the desire to be CF by choice, but more and more people are tending to choose not to have children. My mom is actually a great help to me and not one to pressure for grandkids - she's said some of the most sensible stuff on the topic and would never advise me to be a mom just because it's "what you do" or it's "expected of me," now that I'm a married woman with a house and a good job....

Anyway, welcome.

"..and though he's saying he loves me and that's it, I still find that I'm more in the CF camp than he is at this point. Hopefully that will change - I don't want to feel "guilty" that I'm denying him something, though I would never have a child unless it was something I wanted too..."

Keep chatting about it. You know you MAY just be pleasantly surprised! I'm more vocal about being childfree (well, in the relationship) and hubby was more a fence sitter than me. But he's said to me it's ME he loves and wants, with or without kids, what matters is he has ME - US. And I am seeing more and more that he really IS happy with our lives and our marriage just the way they are/it is!
He has even started to say he is happy with our life!

Isn't it great to have a mum who is OK with your decision?! I am lucky enough to have that too!

Thank you ladies, for your support and insights. It really helps me because there very few people in my life who I feel like I can be as candid with when it comes to these thoughts.

We did end up approaching the subject of whether or not we want to live CF. Unfortunatley, it was a little traumatic because it initially came up as an argument.

If you read my last post, you'll see that on the phone my SO told me he enjoyed holding the baby. Well, at home he just set me off by saying how, when holding the baby, he felt like he wanted one!! (all red sirens and flare alarms going off in my head)

He also says that he loves me and respects that it's really my decision but until we talk about it more, I am not convinced his love for me in his life is stronger than his desire to have a kid. Those little buggers can be a powerful force. Like, tsunami-style.

I have no doubts that he loves me. I told him I need to learn more about why people even have children. I need it to be a rational decision, not an emotional one. That's one expensive emotion-based decision.

Any stories anyone can share about their discussions is appreciated.

Me, too. I actually asked my Mom about it recently, and I said that I was surprised that she doesn't have much to say about it. And she said that if someone doesn't want kids, they shouldn't have them.

Given that my Mom is pretty Catholic, it's a pretty big deal for her to acknowledge this truth - don't want, shouldn't have. She got lots of points for that one.

But, I think it's based on her life experience. When my sister got pregnant at 20, my Mom encouraged her to keep the baby (as opposed to giving him up for adoption). She said she thought the baby would prevent her from "doing bad things."

Well, that didn't work. My sister continued to get wasted all the time, whether my nephew was present or not. And would just not come home many nights.

She knows I'm very different from my sister, and this wouldn't be my lifestyle. Still, I think she's a lot more real about what parenting means - especially since she's doing it again at 56.

Anyway, thanks for listening!

Ouch. I guarantee he needs to be educated on what it's about. Guys don't seem to be as in touch with it as women are. Hang in there.

I told my DH2B on the second date or so that I have no interest in having kids. I wasn't saying it in regards to us, just as a fun get to know you kind of thing

He was cool about it, but we've talked about it more over time. At certain points, he's shown an interest in kids. But because we are getting married in the fall, we cemented our no kids stance.

I feel fortunate that we are getting married older, because I don't have to worry about him changing his mind. I'm 35, and he's going to be 40 this year. There isn't any time to change our minds. We know it's now or never. Even though people keep telling us we have "plenty of time."

Anyway, I hope you and your guy can come to an agreement on this issue. It's a big one, I tell you. I agree, tsunami style force.

My point - Thank you Manatee.
PG

Yeah, and George Clooney said something like that, too.

Q: Do you think you'll ever have children?
GC: I don't know why everyone wants me to become a father - I'm so selfish and I get nervous around kids and I know I'm not ready for that kind of life. I've settled into a very comfortable lifestyle and I really don't want to change things. I've learnt enough about myself to know that my work is the main thing which drives me and that a woman who comes into my life is going to have to deal with that, which isn't easy.

I know!

These celebrities are planting the "selfish" seed about being CF - exactly the opposite of what we are working so hard to achieve in order to have our choice accepted!

It is already trying enough without such comments. I don't think Kelly Clarkson (or any other celebrity) who declares their reason for being CF as selfish ought to be praised at all...

(sorry don't mean to offend anyone: I know you were all rooting for her publicly declaring her CF status )