BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Someone with common sense!

My husband and I were out with some friends from his work awhile back and the topic of kids came up. (Hubby and I plan on having kids eventually) But one of the guys there said something that struck me as odd, only because it's something that you don't often hear when people are considering having kids or not. Basically, this guys adores children! He's good with kids. He makes decent money. He's a good person. And he would like to have children, however, he does not believe that he would be a good father because he's scared that he will turn into his father. His father was a good person until he had kids. He turned into an alcoholic and was abusive and was an awful father. And this guy is worried that he will turn into that if he has kids so he made the decision not to have kids. He is one of the only people who I know who despite his WANTS he looked at it realistically and said, "you know what? this just isn't for me, as much as I like kids and would like to have them, I just know that I would take after my father and I don't want to be that person"

Most people I know don't look at themselves that closely when they want kids or are deciding if they want them. My husbands friend said "I don't believe that anyone should have a child because they want to. I believe that people should have children ONLY if they know they would be a good parent. It's more so whether or not you SHOULD have a child, not whether or not you WANT one"

People should think more like him!

I think that's true lala.

It's like it's a basic human right to procreate, and that right seems to trump considerations about issues like whether you have genetic problems, or don't have a good temperament for the job. It's your right dang it, and your body can do it, so you are entitled to have a child!

My husband and I have been on the fence for many years. Recently he was talking to a friend about it, and his friend said, "If your wife wants a baby you shouldn't deprive her of that."

In a way I thought that was sweet of him, but in another way it baffles me. If my husband doesn't want a kid doesn't he have rights too? That's a lot to ask of him just because "I'm a woman and am entitled to utilize my uterus, so no one better get in my way." I have mixed feelings about it, so it's not really true that he's depriving me anyway (I find most people don't believe me about that, and are anxious to place blame on my husband...including therapists we've seen).

I'm very concerned about passing certain genetic deficiencies of mine along to potential children, and that's part of why I haven't been very enthusiastic to do it. My issues are nothing life threatening either, it's just things like curly hair, over-sensitivity, nervous stomach, etc. (there are worse, but that's just an example). It's like, if I hate something about myself, why would I afflict that upon someone else? If I really don't like having curly hair, I should leave procreation up to the straight hairs! I know, that's ridiculous, but you know what I mean. If I did have some more serious deficiencies, I think it would be so irresponsible to have a child.

I had the exact same experience with a "therapist" - who took everything I said about my husband's reservations/concerns and twisted them into his attempt at control and that I shouldn't let him "deprive" me of something. Her implication (thinly veiled, too) was that since I was the one taking birth control, that it was ultimately MY decision solely. Uhm, last time I checked, there were two of us in this marriage. Yeah, I didn't go back to her. BTW, after 13 yrs of CF marriage, I still don't feel "deprived."

I don't advocate having children to anyone who isn't sure, because though they are fun and rewarding, they are also annoying and downright frustrating. It's fun teaching your child to walk, not so fun to walk the floor with them when they're sick.

I frequent a parents board at a site called "babyzone". Despite the name, its not just babies. The board I hang out on is:BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Thanks Dez. I think some of us have also been lurking on the True Mom Confessions site and getting quite an eyeful.

What is that site? Is it here on Bella? Sounds interesting, lol.

Dez

It's www.truemomconfessions.com

Very addictive!

I worked with a lady that was older than me, in her 50s years ago in NC. She had her tubes cut/burned bc of abusive parents. She chose not to have kids when she was in her 20's. She told me she was afraid she would be like her parents. I was shocked. But at least there are people that think before they have kids. There are soooooooooo many kids having kids. The papers, schools and billboards, commericals promote safe sex but look at all the teens who are pregnant and not married. Parents need to communicate with teens before they are old enough to date so this doesnt happen. Its a sad world right now.

That's! That's an interesting site, and I can so relate, lol.

And thanks too for all the nice comments, you are a very good group and it's a pleasure to chat with you.

Dez

I would say 95% of why I don't want children all have to do with my crazy a*s moma. She WANTED children and never let us forget that she had desired to be a mom. We had quite a horrible traumatic childhood and this let me see very early that just b/c you want children does NOT mean you should have them. And, not too mention that I am scared I would treat my children the way my mom treated us (me especially). So, in my opinion, the ONLY true way to protect my hypothetical child from an uncertain future is for me not to have children. Now, I don't expect others to feel the way I do. I know of some other people that feel otherwise. They feel that they must have children to break the cycle. To each, his own....