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Re: Weak moment [Re: Andie] #319714 06/05/07 02:08 PM
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nosy Offline
Gecko
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I see - I thought you meant that particular issue/person would heat up. My advice, you know what you want to do, it's perfectly ok, and if you are confident and conduct yourself as such you shouldn't have much difficulty. People will ask about kids, be prepared, be yourself, and you will be fine.

You're not committing the crime of the century, you just don't want to have kids. Hold your head up and enjoy life! If you expect difficulty you'll get it. If you feel good about your choices and act like it people will have to deal w/it. Good luck smile

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Re: Weak moment [Re: Andie] #319720 06/05/07 02:27 PM
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happytobechildfree Offline OP
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Thanks to all of you for your support. I think I fell into the trap of wanting to be liked, and I was afraid of showing my true colors. I know that someone can't truly like or respect if they don't know you, though.

Even my good friend that was there gets quiet whenever I say I don't want kids. It's like, you say you want kids, everyone applauds. You say you don't want kids, everyone is silent.

And they feel the need to fix it, or to encourage you that you will want them later. They don't understand that we don't want them, and it isn't a problem to be fixed. It's so frustrating!



Save your own life - don't have kids!
Re: Weak moment [Re: happytobechildfree] #319735 06/05/07 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: happytobechildfree
Even my good friend that was there gets quiet whenever I say I don't want kids. It's like, you say you want kids, everyone applauds. You say you don't want kids, everyone is silent.

And they feel the need to fix it, or to encourage you that you will want them later. They don't understand that we don't want them, and it isn't a problem to be fixed. It's so frustrating!



I know exactly what you mean about that Happy. It's like a social faux pas or something to admit it out loud. It certainly changes the mood. My only guess is the reaction is a combination of emotions like pity, jealousy, and the assumption that you must not like their kids. It feels like I'm bringing a cloud of gloom into the room, and that's very unlike me.

I wonder if part of it is because a lot of us are very conscious about the environment...I would imagine parents need to be more in denial about that, and don't want to hear about it. I think they don't want to really hear our reasons, because it makes them feel bad for having kids.

I always find myself assuring people that I do in fact like kids. It helps but feels like a cop-out. I do like kids a lot actually, but know that being around them 24/7, along with all the accompanying duties, would not make me a happier person.

Re: Weak moment [Re: happytobechildfree] #319737 06/05/07 03:04 PM
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happytobechildfree Offline OP
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Another thing I forgot to mention -

When the gal asked me about my position on kids, I asked her if she always knew she wanted kids. And she said she only wanted one, and her DH talked her into having two.

So she might have some regrets about her own life. I think it made her uncomfortable that I asked her that, but hey, she asked me. If we are going to get really personal, let's at least make sure it's not just about me!


Save your own life - don't have kids!
Re: Weak moment [Re: happytobechildfree] #319739 06/05/07 03:12 PM
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nosy Offline
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Exactly - maybe she didn't want her most personal info being discussed at a social gathering, hope she learned a lesson about asking personal questions. I like the idea of turning the tables and saying ... "tell us about your reproductive choices?".

I had to endure all these questions much more when I was younger. I wish I was as confident then as I am now. It doesn't even phase me now. Now I've had the chance to see that having kids isn't all rosy and they know it, so when I say "it's not for me" I think they kind of get it a little smile

Re: Weak moment [Re: nosy] #319746 06/05/07 03:23 PM
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happytobechildfree Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: nosy
I had to endure all these questions much more when I was younger. I wish I was as confident then as I am now. It doesn't even phase me now. Now I've had the chance to see that having kids isn't all rosy and they know it, so when I say "it's not for me" I think they kind of get it a little smile


I'm totally confident that this is the right choice for me, but I just feel weird talking to a Mom about it. Especially a mom I don't know very well.

It's only when I'm in certain social situations. The rest of the time, I am running around, living my busy and fulfilling life.

That's great that it gets better as you get older. Most of my peers' kids are still in the cute stage. None of them have teenagers yet. So it's a totally different ball game.

I think Bonsai said she works with teens, and their parents are a lot more grounded in reality about what it means to have kids than some of the other people we encounter.

All puppies must grow up. I don't think many Moms think about this when their biological clock is ticking.

People change so dramatically from like age 8-18. It's so scary. You don't know what you will end up with.

I actually used the crapshoot analogy with this woman that asked me about my reproductive choices (some gals used this in another thread.) I will never put my life on the [censored] table, I'm just not that careless. I've met too many people that have kids that ruin their life. My sister is one of them. She's 28 and is still causing my parents' tremendous grief.

Who needs that?


Save your own life - don't have kids!
Re: Weak moment [Re: happytobechildfree] #319753 06/05/07 03:31 PM
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Gecko
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I guess it's more about a face to face "confrontation" about differences and what that implies that can make us uncomfortable. When you're talking one on one w/a mom about not wanting to have kids there may be a perceived implication that because you haven't made the same choice that you dissaprove of hers.

I don't think it's limited to the CF issue though. I have experienced the same discomfort or feeling of subtle confrontation when discussing being a vegetarian w/carnivores and being an agnostic w/religious people.

It's more about two people who have made different choices looking each other in the face and dealing w/it. Can be a little weird at times, but hey, it's only a difference in opinion/choices. That's what makes the world go 'round.

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