BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Need serious advice about my "stepsister"

Hello,

My dad was remarried about 7-8 years ago to a women who has 4 kids from a previous marriage. I never grew up with them or lived under the same roof. I only seen them whenever I would go and visit my dad. Sometimes that would be often, sometimes it would be once in a while. Always on the holidays though

Well my dad's new wife's oldest daughter always displayed a lack of personality around me and my dad/s side of the family, she was very seldom talkative and friendly, and when she was it would always appear to be very fake and phony to me and my dad's (her step-dad's) side of the family.

Well I just received confirmation from a very reliable source that she said the following words, "I can't stand anyone on my step-dad's side of the family." A friend of a friend was chatting with her on myspace and that is exactly what she wrote to him.
He forwarded it to me practically right away.
So another words after a good 3 or 4 years of suspecting that,
I pretty much got it from the horses mouth.

First, I'm trying to think of reasons why, and honestly can't think of any.

So every time there's a holiday function she greets my uncles, aunts, cousins, myself, and most importantly my grandma with hugs and smiles which has been extremely fake and phony all a long.

I personally do not feel like tolerating this and am feeling like I should confront her. I'm very protective of my family when it comes to things like this. I'm guessing that she will just lie anyways. I just want my family to know the truth so they don't keep wasting their time with her. I could show them what she typed but it was accidentally deleted so now I don't have that solid proof.

What can I do to convince my family that my suspicions were real and true, so they don't subject themselves as fools anymore by buying into to her phoniness? How do I do that without it backfiring on me and me turning out to be the bad guy because everybody just automatically looks at the pretty girl as the victim, and I'm a the male who is also older than her.
And how do I do all this without causing a rift or problems between my dad and his wife?

You can't. So she doesn't like you, lots of people in life are going to not like you, family or not. As for her being fake, you say she's greeting you with hugs and smiles. Fake or not, these are the usual ways of greeting family members. Maybe she needs to work on faking it better, but when you get down to it, it's just courtesy. Do the same. Accept the gestures as tokens of politeness, rather than genuine affection. You're not a fool, just someone who didn't get to pick his realtives.

I don't care if she doesn't like me. Then I don't want her come up to me smile and hug me if you she doesn't mean it.
But that's not as much of an issue as it is about my family.
It's my family, my blood, that she's pretending to like and being phony to that bothers me, especially when it comes to my 85 year old grandma. I'm pretty sure they don't realize what's going on here, and are being taking as fools.
They always make attempts to treat her like family, holidays or not.
If she had a legitimate reason for not liking our family, then I wouldn't have a problem. Harmony, courtesy, and polite gestures, shouldn't be fake or phony. I don't expect her to be affectionate or overly affection, but she should be genuine and not play my family as fools. She has the nerve to ask my father for money throughout the years. My father's wife convinced him to put her name on their car insurance even. She's taken advantage of him and the situation, meanwhile she doesn't like us. Meanwhile, he's letting it happen because he has no idea where this so-called "step-daughter" of his is really coming from. I will not accept that.

This girl has no character. She's in a relationship now because of money and convenience because she doesn't know how to stand on her own 2 feet. And her redneck/cowboy wanna-be boyfriend is that typical meat-head kind of guy who just can't see it, because he's blinded by the "hot piece of [censored]" that he can show off in front of all his friends.

Oh my GOD, I'm just realizing that I think my dad may have married into a "white trash" family for lack of a better description.
And I think I should speak out to protect my family, even if I have to be the bad guy.

It doesn't sound like you like her either. Have you been upfront and honest with her. At some point both of you have to respect your own parents enough to get over it. It really doesn't matter if she likes you or your grandma, what matters is that she likes her mother enough to respect the relationship that she (her mother) has with your father.

I had my suspicions about her sincerity for a while, but I never felt like I didn't like her until now when it has been recently confirmed that she's been playing my family for fools.
When my friend asked her, she gave no real good reason as to why she does not like anybody in my family. I think maybe she still carrying resentment over her parents divorce...possibly?
If that's the case, she just needs time to grow up and mature I guess. But in the meantime, I just can't accept my family being played for fools.
We have all treated her like family. We offered and helped her with many difficult things in her life. She moved into an apartment, didn't have money for a mattress and box spring, we found one for her. We helped her with her school work...stuff like that.

She took advantage of us this whole the last 4 or 5 years

Force, I married into a family like that. DH had a step-sister and step-brother (his dad+their mom). The step-sis was/stil is wonderful (parents divorced/dad now deceased). Step-brother was/still is a smug jackass and his girlfriend/wife is a witch. But whenever the parents were around, they were so nicy-nice it was sickening. And if you said anything about it, the parents didn't believe you. Their whole deal was they'd talk to the parents and complain about DH (usually they'd make stuff up), whereas DH wouldn't say a word. So it was the squeaky wheel - because they were the loudest, they were the ones the parents believed, even though they were lying.

The thing is, if you decide not to play along (like the hugs, etc.) be prepared for a backlash from those who don't see her darker side. She'd probably respond with "I dont know why Force doesn't like me, I always extend a warm greeting when I see her!"

So here's the really hard part - you probably just have to let it play out. Her mother will always love her and defend her, just as you'd want your dad to do for you.

Try to remember that people like this eventually hurt or alienate everyone around them until they end up alone. It's not really up to you to save your family from her nasty words or tricks. Your family WILL come to see her for what she is, it will just take them a while.

Force - you need to get your own life and quit trying to be the knight in shining armor for your family. They may very well know the truth about this girl but choose to ignore it for the sake of family harmony. You would be wise to take their cue and do the same.

As you get older, you will realize that there are worse things in life than being played for a fool. The main one that comes to mind is interfering in other people's lives...even if they are family members that you love. Keep in mind that in centuries past, the bearer of bad news was beheaded. That may not happen physically anymore, but it often does still happen emotionally.

You need to concentrate on your OWN life right now. You are at stage in your life where you need to determine what path you will take. Perhaps your obsession with this situation is a nice diversion for you. Perhaps by focusing on others, you can procrastinate on what you REALLY should be concerned about, and that is what you will do with YOUR life.

Finally, I believe that rescuing your family members from the so-called humiliation of being a fool is based primarily on your need to feel important in their lives.

I agree with �iwonder�s� response that your stepsister's fake display of affection is at least her way of respecting her mom's decision to marry your dad. If you REALLY care about your dad and your other relatives - grandma included - you will do the same and stay out of a situation that you really don't have any business messing with.

Harsh words, I know, but you need to see the error of your ways before you cause a rift between your dad and you. Quit wasting your energy on them and focus that energy on your own life. If you continue down the obsessive path you�re on, you will regret it.

Good advice, but WAY OVER DRAMATIC. You managed to take my post and turn it into your own sensationalized soap opera.
You are reading way too much into it.


There's no interfering into anything, but just letting my family know so that they can think twice before being taken advantage of again. And for the sake of family harmony, that can be done very discreetly and carefully, one family member at a time.
That is all there is to it. I think anybody can handle that, and still concentrate on their own life/path too.

Again, it's nothing that dramatic. My family (especially my grandma) just needs to be able to see the truth so again, they don't continue to get played. The truth is the only way, we should be living our lives. We should never hide things and make polite gestures to anything or anybody if it isn't sincere or genuine.

"Should never hide things and make polite gestures to anything or anybody if it isn't sincere or genuine." Oh my. Only at play, at school, at work, at home, at a ball game, at a family get together. It's called BE NICE! Why would you want to lower yourself to that level? And besides, how is any of this hurting your Grandma?

Hi

Well personally my step-brother pretends he likes me but I know he's got something against me for some reason. I honestly never had a problem with him but when this person told me that he was saying something about me I was kind of shocked. In life alot of people are fake towards certain individuals and its because of family. Like me and my step-brother a civil but talk unless we have too. Also I dislike my stepmother too.
So I think without hurting your dad and your family she is just trying to be polite. Think she knows if her mother and your dad knew it would cause problems. Yeah my step-brother has something against me but dont know what. Think it is jealousy thats why your step-sister that way. Is there competition between you both?