BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development What is your touchstone?

I saw a news item at BBC the other night, and immediately, I wrote this:
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WOW!!!

I'm all teary eyed! That got to me. I can relate to feeling stunned by news that changes your view of the world, and makes it go from a beautiful and safe place, to one that has senselessness, cruelty and loss. Your blue whale is your anchor of hope.

I want to think on this before responding.

This is too good a post to let slip away... i hope others are reading it.

I want a "touchstone" but i'm not sure i have one in my experiences. Do touchstones have necessary ingredients?

I read it Holly, but Im the same as you... A "touchstone" would be nice to have lol.. but I don't think I have one either, so I didn't bother posting before...

Well, i'm thinking if a touchstone is like some reminder for hope... then wouldn't for some people it would be their faith? And for some who nearly lost their life but by some miracle managed to survive... wouldn't it be the memory of having lived?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... i think i know what my touchstone is then, or at least an important one. I can't tell you all of it, but my mother almost died three times in about six weeks... and she more than lived. It became the most significant turning point of her life. It taught me that even when NO ONE has hope for a situation to improve, that miracles can happen. And i think that's what Barbara was trying to relate about the Great Blue Whale.

I got it!

Some of you might know that my dad is Bipolar and I had a lot to deal with when I was growing up. I was often scared and unsure what to think. My dad was not physically abusive, although he was mentally/emotionally/verbally. There were times where I didn't think I was loved. It was confusing beyond confusing with all the highs and lows... I cried myself to sleep almost everynight for a couple years, I was depressed and lost for a long time but never told anyone.

When hubby and I were dating, and I realized I was in love with him I wrote this letter to explain to him how I was feeling in comparison to how I felt before he came into my life. Ever since we've been together and since I wrote that letter, things between my dad and I have been wonderful. He still has ups and downs, and so do I, but we have a great relationship. And now I know that I am loved. Even though we went through so many awful hard times, we pulled through and we are closer than ever now. Things aren't perfect now, but we are extremely open and honest with eachother and my dad has helped me discover WHO I am, and my husband has made it possible for me to BE who I am.. if that makes sense. Anyways hopefully you get my point, but here is that letter I wrote 4 years ago...

" I always knew what it was, even though I never experienced the intense feelings that would eventually take over all the chaos that had always revolved around me. I never felt the happiness that I knew existed somewhere outside the intimidating maze that I found myself lost in; Locked in the confusion and frustration which never stopped wrapping itself around everything in my world. Continuously lost in my thoughts and not knowing or caring right from wrong. I wished I could forget everything that seemed so horrible, not realizing that I had it okay. And then I forgot.... but it came back it haunt me, for nights upon nights, tears never ending and my heart tearing and breaking over and over again for no apparent reason. I soon felt there was no reason for anything in my world. I went no where for so long... what is the point of suffering for what I didn't do? I grew up quickly but still holding on to the agony that always rushed back into my world. Hating what I had, and what I didn't have because I didn't have what I wanted, and I never would.

Somehow I let loose and removed myself from the hectic atmosphere I lived in for so long. But removing myself in a way that would affect that one relationship (my dad) that I never wanted; but I did, and I do. Walking through my front door was what I dreaded the most. Fearing the unknown of what might occur that night. Whether it be the constant anger and uneasy aura of what wasn't even "home", but should have been and never was, or if I would yet again enter into the awkward silence that we all hate. Always ashamed of how I lived, I couldn't pull myself away from what I had because it was the only thing I knew. What did I know? Chaos, jealousy, and anger... such a problematic life.

But through it all somehow I knew that there was another side of life, or so I always hoped for. The side where beauty surrounds where we exist. I couldn't find it anywhere I went, because every path I travelled down, took me to another dead end where I would stop in my tracks and wish for the impossible. My wishes never came true. So I hid the dark side of me, only allowing the pen in my hand to fill the pages while my eyes filled with tears and I let them pour onto my words that I tried so hard to share with the only thing that would listen. My best friend.. a piece of paper.

I dragged myself down as far as humanly possible without killing myself although I already felt dead inside.

Then I met you and suddenly I felt alive for the first time. I saw the beauty that I was so blind to see before. I felt the love that I always knew, and needed. You amazed me when I watched how simple it was for you to let go of the past. I quickly learned that no matter how crazy life is, there is always some way out.

I found the end of the maze that I was tangled in and all the drama is now disappearing. And my mind is more clear than ever before. I left the confusion and pain behind, only keeping my past as something I've learned and grown from and because of it, I am who I am.

I couldn't ask for much more than what you and I share, nothing but a promise from your heart that you wont let go. Because of you, I see life in a whole new way. Because of you, I cut the last little thread that attached me to the web dangling from the maze that had sucked me in... and now I see a new beginning.

The beginning of what I knew existed but couldn't find.

The impossible that is now reality...

I found you.. I found love that I know wont end, and I found happiness that keeps me sane.

Thank you for everything you are, everything you say and everything you do.

I Love You."

Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have tears in my eyes, but they are happy tears!

I had no idea, Lala. I think i understand you better now, certainly see from where your wonderful love for your husband comes.

My husband was diagnosed bi-polar and psychotic, and i had a housemate who's brother was bi-polar. We used to compare notes and were surprised how much similarity there was between my ex's and her brother's behavior... and the uncertainty we experienced, as you did.... so i think i understand a little bit how much you have been through! I never would have guessed, Lala. You don't wear your hurts on your sleeve. Instead you cheer others, spread encouragement and warmth!!! I'm completely impressed!!!!!!!!!

There's alot people don't know about me, and alot that I don't think most people would have guessed about me. Not sure if that is a good thing or not though! I grew up with alot of uncertainty and that's hard to live with, especially as a kid. It's been a tough road, but I've also learned an enormous amount about people and life.

I had alot of hate and anger towards my dad until I was about 18. When I was 8, he attempted suicide on my birthday... for the next 10 years, I hated my birthday and didn't look forward to it. I was scared and got depressed around that time every year. And it wasn't until my parents separated that I got to know my dad. Truly. He opened up to me and I realized that he wasn't trying to end his life because of ME (which is what I thought for 10 years!! What's an 8 year old girl supposed to think?!) - but he was trying to end is life FOR me. He thought I would have a better life with out him. He thought he caused too much pain and that no one could forgive him - he cried in front of me and asked me to forgive him, and I realized that he was hurting more than me. That's when things changed between us.

I think that's mostly a good thing. I try to do it more and more, too. There are a couple of good reasons i can think of for... well not hiding these things, but not shoving them forward, either.

For instance, many of the people i've come to admire for their happiness, goodness, and solidness... i knew for years before i learned what they had been through was more than most. Like my students... M started coming to classes only a month after her son died and i never knew. Or B's been fighting breast cancer for 18 years now and yet she comes to class and cheers everyone else! S, too... she's been through so much family stuff. But she just glows with happiness and being around her is like basking in the sun! They didn't "wear their tragedies." Instead they had transformed their bad experiences and grief into appreciating life and caring for humanity and the people around them. They are very generous women. I wanted to be more like them long before i ever knew they had been through so much, because of the joy and love that overflows from inside of them. Everyone feels good just to be around them. And because they don't gripe or blame, i will try to follow their lead and learn what they have learned to change the bad experiences into love and wonder!

Another reason i think its good not to announce bad stuff all the time, but particularly when you first meet someone, is because first impressions do count, and if you tell everyone you've been hurt or are handicapped by your past, that's how you are defining yourself, and they are going to remember you in those terms and reflect that reality back to you... so it's disempowering! They will affirm for you what you tell them. You'll get your excuses fed back to you because you first identified yourself to them as wounded rather than capable, as having suffered rather than being filled with joy. Do you get what i mean?

I agree with you that forgiveness is very important. I, too, felt very burdened until I forgave first my mom, and then my dad. It sets them free, but the reason i did it was to set myself free. And it did... it really did. And i also wound up getting better relationships with my parents after that than i ever would have thought possible! They changed, too... were willing to change. But even if that had not happened, if they had been dead at the time or whatever... forgiving them was like setting down a huge stone i'd had to carry with me wherever i went!

When i forgave my dad, for example... i realized that my dad would never be able to give me what he should as a father, and that certainly there is no way to make up for what i didn't get as a child. But i decided i didn't want old pain hanging on me... it just wasn't healthy. The pain entered into everything in my life that had anything to do with him, and even into a lot of things that didn't. So i decided i would forgive the debt and wipe the slate clean... that hereafter he would "owe me nothing." That phrase was important to my feeling released. I pictured an imaginary contract where he, as a parent, owed me so much care and nurturing because he was my father... and then i tore up the contract. He was still my father, but the debt was cancelled... by me. Following that whenever an issue came up concerning him... like when he announced his will was going to set up a trust fund for his building... and not the building or money would go to myself or my brother (who were both struggling financially and trying to afford college)... it was actually easier for me to deal with it. I figured it was his money and he could do what he wanted with it and i even felt a bit sorry for him that his priorities were so screwed up. He had his building, but he didn't have good relationships with his children. Later, as he aged, he started to wonder why no one he loved was in his life anymore, and it was only then that he started seeing the people in his life, rather than only seeing himself.

But what i was trying to say with this is, you don't have to have "them" ...whoever "them" is in your life... redeem themselves or give to you in order for you to get out from under the burden.

Forgiveness is so empowering!!!!

Blame is so disempowering!!!!!!!!!!!!

When we wipe debts clean and forgive... i don't know quite how this works but rather than losing something huge, we actually GAIN! Somehow I gained ME when i forgave my dad and my mom. I gained peace, freedom, and strength and I could stand taller because i wasn't struggling under the weight of blame and what i felt they owed me... i'd set those stones down. It wasn't fakery... you can't pretend to forgive and then call it up as excuses or anger, i had to paradigm shift. And also when i forgave... and i think this happened for you too, Laura... I was able then at last to receive from my dad all the gifts he had to offer... like my independence and freedom from conformity... like my ability to discern... these are his characteristics, and they are mine. And we could talk again, he and i.

I think you share things just right. You don't carry stuff around like a bleeding wound, but instead offered it to me and others when your story can do some good! I deeply appreciate when you share your experiences!