BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Bring Up Boyfriend

Hi, This is my first post here but I liked a lot of what I have read so far.

My dilemma is my current bf that I love dearly. He is 46 and lives at home. I have been pushing him a bit to go get his own place. He keeps hedging on that issue but says he will look this week.

I want him to grow and I find myself giving him advice a lot. He never gives me advice so I feel a little bad about doing it.

I guess I am a bit embarrassed to be dating a man that lives at home. We are both disabled so we could never live together without losing out on the scant benefits we already get.

I am happy just dating indefinately and was wondering if anyone has dealt with trying to change their partner instead of just accepting them as they are?

The other issue is that he has a very disfunctional family, don't we all though,,, Lol! His Mother wants to keep him at home and doesn't think he can make it on his own. I'd like to see if he can or at least give it a try. I think he would do fine but he feels like he is letting his Mom down by moving out.

He has lived on his own before. I think she likes his company and it gives her something to do.

So should I just let it go or keep prodding him to get his own place?

Thanks,
Keleee

If you guys can't live together than what is the problem with where he is at? Is it that you don't like the mother or something? Or want time alone with him? If he tried it before and it didn't work out why would he try it again. Do you live on your own?

If you guys can't live together than what is the problem with where he is at? Is it that you don't like the mother or something? Or want time alone with him? If he tried it before and it didn't work out why would he try it again. Do you live on your own?

If he's on a fixed income and disabled, and his mom is willing to let him stay there, then I wouldn't see the problem with him staying there. Especially if you're not planning to move in together or anything. It might be more independence than he is really ready for.

Also, I can't remember the title, but there is an old John Candy film about a guy who lives with his mom a long time. It's a good insight

Dez

I think it all depends on why he is still living with his mother. If it's because of his disability then I don't see the problem. If it's because he is lazy and mooches off his mom then that's another story.

I can see why dating someone who still lives at home would be annoying or frustrating or embarrasing etc, but at the same time, I don't see anything wrong with it. It doesn't make him less of a man for it. If it really does bother you, maybe just try to figure out why he is still living with her. Does he want to be on his own? Does he have a job? What is it that bothers your about it? Is it because of privacy issues? Does she seem to be involved in the relationship becasue she's always there? Or is it just that he doesn't seem independant?!

Hi,
Thanks for the insight. It is really "my problem" and not his. My title came out wrong too. It was supposed to be "Bringing up boyfriend". That is what it feels like sometimes. Like I am his Mother asking him to grow up.

He is a really nice guy that lived through a bad car accident. He is also very afraid, I think, of moving out on his own. He can at any time get an apartment because he is eligable for housing.

What bothers me the most is that he doesn't seem independent. I like his Mother but all her adult children are screwed up or in jail or on drugs. I have never seen such an enabling Mother who doesn't address issues.

Last weekend his sister who is in her late 40's overdosed on drugs in the spare bedroom. She is staying there for a week to get away from her adult sons that use her and steal from her. This really upset me and also the fact that his Mom said she didn't OD she was just stressed out...? She was in the hospital for overdosing, not stress?

Then there is my bf's brother John who will be moving home this month. He has been in prison for the last 15 years for rape and sodomy. I am afraid of what he might be like.

His parents are also getting older and now would be the time to go out and get situated before they pass on. He has plenty of support but the fear is keeping him from taking the step. Also maybe laziness... He doesn't have to do a thing at home.

Ok, and lastly there is the issue that maybe he just isn't capable of caring for himself. He has two children that are not a part of his life. They are not getting any support from him because of his SSI. I think he just can't handle the responsibility of them but luckily they have Mothers that take good care of them.

I am just not accepting him as he is. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions. He is very nice to me and so what if he has some things that bother me... I'm not perfect either!

Sometimes I really can make too much out of something small.

Thanks for helping me sort things out.

Keleee
ps- I'll have to look for that John Candy movie...

hhmm...Dang !!! your bf MIGHT NOT THINK that he can do much if his parents are enablers....let me explain...i have Cerebral Palsy which has affected my right side. i wasn't allowed to be the separate individual that i am because my parents would say "oh...you can't do THAT... you'll HURT yourself"... i can breathe...i can think...i can walk...i can talk...i can learn...I'M an individual... your bf HAS to WANT to be HIS own individual as well...i have a son who will soon turn 15 years old...i've missed MOST of HIS life...AND it was NOT of MY choosing...and yes...because he's on disability doesn't mean the courts won't touch it because they've captured so much of mine for child support...
Duane