BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When you have kids ...

I've mentioned how the women at my job always bring up the subject of kids with me.

In the last few days, there have really been a lot of comments aimed at me. Not mean comments or anything, but there have been a lot of "when you have kids" comments. We'll be talking about something and it comes up in a totally off-hand manner.

My ex-boss came in the other day to visit, and they were talking about how a co-worker's daughter just had her second child. My ex-boss said that she didn't care what the complications of childbirth were, she would go through ANYTHING to have a child. This was the first I've heard of it (she just finished getting her master's, has lots of debt, and hasn't been on a date in a few years because she's been too busy.)

I said, "really?" just because she'd never mentioned to me that she wanted kids, and for her to seem so desperate to have one was new to me. My co-worker said, "oh, Lynette doesn't want kids." And I got the LOOK and the "maybe you're not ready yet/you'll change your mind/you just have to get settled first" speech.

I wonder the following:

1) Why is everyone so interested in this subject?
2) Why do they continue to lecture me?
3) Why, when they know how I feel, do they keep saying "when you have kids ... "

I just don't get it! I've been ignoring it because it hasn't been bothering me (for once,) but if it continues today, I'm going to pull out "if you DIDN'T have kids ..."

I've had the same issue with co-workers. Even though I've mentioned on several occasions that I don't want kids, I'll still get comments later with the bent that you'll change your mind/you're just not ready, etc. With some of these people, I could tell them till I'm blue in the face that I don't want any kids, and they would just dismiss me as if I don't know what I'm talking about.

I think people sometimes just like to pick at others if they know they're sensitive to something. They probably like to lecture you and pick at you because they know you don't want any and they know they can rile you up. Maybe in a way they're jealous; maybe they never realized they had a choice, so how dare someone else think for themselves and realize that?

I've always had problems with groups of women; they tend to talk about kids, and other things I'm not interested in. There also seems to be a peer pressure element in these groups, wanting others to fit into their group and be like them or assuming people will make the same choices they have. I learned that in high school, and really, it's the same thing with older women. It could be an insecurity issue with them, who knows.

I've been learning that I just need to let go and remember that the comments are a reflection on the limitations and lack of understanding of others; basically, it's THEIR problem if they can't understand. Like the saying: "Sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never harm me."

By letting go, I feel better about myself and my decision. It's like I've taken away the power that I sometimes felt like they were trying to wield over me. There's always going to be somebody who doesn't get it and thinks there's only one way to live life. I don't let them upset me anymore; instead, I pity them for not being more open minded to life's other avenues.

I understand how you feel; I want to strangle people sometimes when they know my childfree stance and they keep saying things. But they're just words; they're not indication of what my destiny will be. I'm in charge of that! :-)

I guess I'm lucky, most of the people I work with have seemed to accept my childfree status and don't "bingo" me about it anymore. Maybe they've finally noticed I don't go all gooey-mushy every time someone brings a baby into the office. (Now, if someone brings a dog/puppy, that's a different story!) The thing I tend to get now, if I show up to work in a new outfit/shoes/purse etc. is the comment "Oh, you don't have kids, so you can afford to buy yourself nice things." Well, darn tootin', you're right! Sometimes I want to say "Well, if you didn't think your kids/grandkids had to have every new iPod/computer/new video game/etc. you could buy yourself something nice once in a while too!" I definitely see some jealousy there from some of my coworkers, but it is really about our choices. Having children is a CHOICE, not an OBLIGATION. And even if you have children, what rule is there that you have to shower them with every little thing available to the point of debt and not being able to buy yourself anything? I just don't get it....

Cindy

I completely have the same issues at my office. Being 27, I get the "you're young, you still have time" lines. One of my coworkers the other day said that she is wanting to start having kids. I told her that I didn't think I would ever feel that way. She said to me "Well, I just think that there is more to life than just having a husband." What is that supposed to mean? Am I not "fulfilled" because I am not having babies? It kind of made me mad. I have even gotten the speech about the purpose of marriage is to have kids. Ugh. I wish people in the work place would just mind their own business.

Ugh is right. How tiresome. Maybe you all get more of it because you're still young enough to breed. I don't get it in a serious manner much because I'm older, but I do get a lot of joking about "it's not too late", etc. It's meant to be funny, not a real suggestion. I don't even care any more. I just say what I think and we all have a laugh.

On the flip side of this... a coworker (who has kids) and I were comiserating over all the general housework type stuff you have to do when you don't have a spouse to help out. He is going through a divorce; my DH is spending late nights/overnights on a big project in another city. He was asking why DH has to be gone so much and his comment was that "if [DH & I] had kids, they wouldn't have him doing that." Exactly. Even if it has no bearing on this situation at all, it was still kind of nice to see someone recognize that we're getting the short end of the stick just because we don't have kids.

How about..."There is more to life than raising children?" There needs to be, because once children are raised and gone, there needs to be SOMETHING there...

Cindy

Well sure there is! We have our pets, our activities, our vacations, our jobs, our volunteer work, our house, our garden, etc.

Obviously her marriage must not have been very interesting before the kids!

You're a Kiwi, Athena? Match! So am I ... I'm living in Canada now, and love it here - the travelling is awesome!

Hope you're hanging on to that house deposit - they get more expensive in NZ every time I look! But I had a girlfriend did the same as you, came home after four years and a ton of travel around Europe with $50,000 in her pocket. Nice!