BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Is Grief All Bad?

Grief has such a bad name! Even the definition of "grief" is bad � dictionaries define �grief� as �intense mental anguish; deep remorse, acute sorrow or the like (from the middle English greven, from the Old French grever, from the Latin grav�re � to oppress, weigh upon, from gravis, heavy, weighty). How can anyone live through that!?

Grief journeys are as varied as the grief experience. Grief is so unique, yet at the same time, so universal. We all go through some version of each of the classic 5 stages of grief, whether we recognize it or not. Disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance are all part of our journeys. So are depression, relief, embarrassment and pain. Why is it that none of these definitions appear in the average dictionary definition above?

Do we really know what grief is?

My own experience of grief has encompassed all those definitions above, and many, many more. Some of them are more common than others. One of the most controversial ideas I put forth in the grief experience is benefit. Take for example the statement "I benefited from the death of my son". That's a hard one to wrap our minds around. Of course, I would trade my increased personal growth and spiritual awareness instantly in exchange for my sons' life back. That, however, has never been an option.

As you try to wrap your minds around that, let's look at some of the more common benefits of experiencing grief. They often include a new appreciation for precious time, a greater compassion and empathy for others, and a clearer connection with ones inner self. As tired as it sounds, your life is your perception of it, and your perception lies in your perspective. Life offers you unlimited perspective. Life (and death) has as many perspectives as your infinite imagination.

How many perspectives of grief have you experienced?

Our topic "Is Grief all Bad?" is now active in our forum. I invite all my readers to participate and look forward to your posts. Each of the subsequent posts to this topic in BellaOnline's Good Grief Bereavement Forum must be a perspective of grief, starting with "A" and working our way through the alphabet. It's okay to have more than one post per letter. You can share your grief stories, your reactions and responses to the death of your loved one and the skills you have learned to cope with in daily grief management. Let us know what the 5 classic stages of grief mean to you, all the other perspectives of grief you have encountered and how your experience of grief has affected you and the world around you.

I look forward to hearing from all of you and adding my own posts with new ideas and definitions for grief...A is for acceptance, anger, apathy, annoyance....B is for benefit, bargaining,...

C is for closure. You need to grieve when the situation warrants it. It is a basic human emotion and without grief, I don't think you can have closure.

D is for disbelief. It is hard to believe and accept what has happened. It could be for just about anything too. From the death of a loved one or a loved one leaving you for someone else or even committing a crime and spending time in jail.

I know if I did something to go to jail, more than likely I would be sitting there in disbelief that I was in jail.
It would be like yesterday, I was sitting in my living room watching television and today I am sitting in a jail cell.

My father died 7 years ago and I didn't really grieve for him. I guess it is because I didn't feel we were close and yet today it is still hard to believe he is gone.

Eight yeras ago, my girlfriend left me for another man and I cried like a baby for days. She couldn't even tell me why she left. I couldn't eat for almost six weeks after and I lost thirty pounds in that time.

Which brings us to E for Extreme grieving. Going that long in a grieving process may be a little over the top but it wasn't anything that I could help or control. When she left me, I went through all five stages of the process. It was especially hard when she came to my sister's house with the police and a court order to take custody of our two children. One was not yet a year old and the other was just a couple of months old and that was even before I knew she was leaving.

I did go ot court and I did get custody of the kids so I think that helped me to receive closure in my grief of losing her.

Grief is not fun but I believe it is necessary to be happy and healthy.

Oh my goodness, this is quite a coincidence....
I went to the library this weekend, and I picked up a book titled "Living in the Light of Death - On the Art of being Truly Alive." by a man called Larry Rosenberg.

I will first and foremost state to all here, that this is a book based on Buddhist philosophy and outlook - but it can be read, learned and appreciated through the wise insight it offers, by anyone. He speaks of Meditation, both of the Calming and Insightful varieties, but these are regularly practised in a Catholic Church I used to go to, so it is not exclusive...

I have found it to be a frank, honest and extremely supportive piece of writing.

Hello to everyone.
E is for essence, the attributes that a loved one has left.The heart of a person, their meaning, their spirit, their soul.
Everything in my home has a memory of my husband, the things we chose together, the fun we had, the happiness of sitting in the garden on a sunny day, these things cannot be taken from me but now instead of joy there is sorrow. My husband gave my life balance and without him i am lop sided. His essence is still here and in my grief i know i do not look after it enough.
Is grief all bad?, of course not but it has given my more sorrow than joy.

F is for Feeling.

A feeling is an emotion and grief is a feeling of emotion and it has been said several times that it is a necessary emotion to keep in balance.

It probably would not be very healthy not to grieve and cry because it is my understanding that crying helps release toxins from your body and is cleansing.

One cannot be happy 24/7 nor could one be angry 24/7 and stay healthy. You need a mix of all the emotions to saty in harmony with yourself.

G....Well, G is for Grief, isn't it....?

I would suggest that several comments or inputs be included here, as the topic is so diverse....

Grief is perhaps one of the hardes emotions to come to terms with.... because grief has no time-line, even though so many people think it should have. I have lost count of the times I have heard or overheard comments like "He should be over it by now", or "Goodness, it was such a long time ago, why is she still so depressed about it?"

Grief is an unknowable equasion....
The problem is, it's because Death is so unknowable.
We all know Death is inevitable. For everything, and everyone.
The trouble is, not that we are scared or unwilling to die, but that we don't know when, or how...under what circumstances.

If people can come to terms with death - their own, that of their spouse and children, their loved ones, the dog, the neighbours.... then the pain will be easier to bear.

Comments like "it was so sudden, so unexpected, it was such a shock..." Will come to hold no substance for us.

Grief will be genuinely for the passing of that wonderful person. It will not be mixed with the confusion and misunderstanding of unexpectedness and unreadiness....

"It is better to be in the house of mourning than the house of merrry making."
Grieve brings us closer to ourselves, and the reality of the brevity of life. And the preciousness of what we have in the here and now.
And gratitude for all the wonderful people that have come and touched us.
It is in grieving that we achieve a little more clarity of vision of what we want in life.

Grief is not bad, but good.

H is for Hope.

Hope in the life ahead in this world even without your loved one with you.

Hope in your life together again in the better afterworld.

Hope sustains us... keeps us going... keeps us happy and healthy.

Wait a minute... that's two more 'H's

I is for Immortality, for the ones we have lost live forever within us.

This poem is written on my mother's prayer card:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond's gift of snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the autumn's gentle rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die.

My mother was 72 years young and full of life, a true spitfire with tremendous strength and a heart of gold. She was a great woman whom I miss terribly, love and cherish dearly and who is immortal in my heart and soul. I love you mommy!