BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters My Daughter out of control

My daughter and i have always been so so close. I had cancer last year and she was always talking with me about everything, now that she has this new group its all gone, and she goes from group and i get her out and now its drug dealers and thugs.She has always been a follower and we have tried to teach her to be herself but refuses to listen to me. i am all done my treatments since dec 06 and she was fine till two months ago. She now steals from me , drinks, drugs, never listens, gets her stuff stolen from her frirnds here at home and refuses to admit they stole it ( No friends allowed here no more)then buys the same stuff that is stolen from others... she lies all the time now and she is 16.She has no respect for anyone but her new friends. I have tried to talk to her like we use to and tried the couclers she refuses to go to and the cops wont do a thing and say she is now 16 for me to kick her out..they say that she is a guest in my home now. I asked about programs to get her into and they say she has to be willing to go and she wont.I talked to my dr today and he says the same thing. She is lazy to wont do nothing and i have gone to the end of the earth and back for her. We fight all the time now and we are so lost. i miss my baby girl and she wont even talk no more cause it turns into fighting. She was coming in at all times so i took her keys and changed the locks and she turned it on me saying she should come and go as she pleases. I told her thats this is the rules and she knew it and blew it. There is so so so much more is there anyone out there with some advice for me PLEASE.Thanks so much. HUGZZZZ

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through so much after having cancer, but with the grace of God, the treatments worked and you will stay healthy. It is too bad that you are now having problems with your daughter. 16 is a difficult time, especially if a teen has gotten into alcohol and drugs with a new set of friends. Obviously, my first suggestion is what you are doing and that is to take her keys away. I assume you meant her car keys, too. Clip her wings, so to speak. Let her know that if she wants freedoms and wants to be treated more like an adult, then she needs to act more responsibly.

Give her YOUR set of rules, maybe written down, but certainly done in a very CALM, quiet voice. Let her know what is expected of her and what the outcomes will be if she doesn't follow the rules. She is a minor and legally you ARE responsible for what she does, so don't let her tell you "she should be able to come and go as she pleases". When she is old enough to truly make good decisions and actually support herself, then she will have the right to EARN enough money that will allow her to come and go as she pleases.

How does she re-buy the stuff that is stollen from her? Does she have a job? Do you have certain chores that she is responsible for? Are you the only person who enforces the rules in your house or do you have a strong backup?

I know this is a really tough situation and my take on it is no-nonsense because my husband and I were very strict with our 4 kids as they were growing up, because of my husband's job (as a policeman) and my background (from a big family and as a teacher). Many times our kids said that we weren't fair, or that other kids were doing such and such, but they knew that we were going to ALWAYS know where they were going, and who they were going with and when they were going to be home. They knew if they got into trouble they had ALOT of trouble to face. We were blessed that they never gave us trouble because they would have had to deal with the police department.

Now, that is the direction that I am going and many people think I am kinda hard on kids. Well, I am and I think that if parents were hard nosed when their kids started acting like your daughter is now acting, there might be a chance to save them. Otherwise, you will be setting both yourself up for years of heartache and her for years of trouble, abuse and God knows what. So, what I am going to say now is this: If you set the rules, or the LAW, tell her what YOU expect and what you WON'T allow, tell her how she can EARN privileges and rights AND SHE STILL ACTS UP, then YOU have one thing that you can do that might just save your daughter. You said you tried counselors but she wouldn't go; so I am sending you info on a program that my husband and I watched on TV last year. We were so impressed by how it was run and the behavioral changes of the kids that I immediately thought of it when I read your letter. When I read your letter to my husband and asked how he thought I should respond, he immediately mentioned the same program. I hope this helps you, but make sure you check everything out, just like these articles suggest.

Wilderness therapy lets kids evaluate themselves through introspection while looking at a sunset instead of TV. They talk to others and to "licensed therapists" while they work through their individual problems. They must stay there until the counselors think they are ready to be joined back into society and their families. Things to look for and to avoid are discussed atBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Well ty so so much i will look into this program some ore. This weekend was her wake up call as she was drinking and with a bunch of her so called friends and they all pilled into a car and yes they were in a awefull accident. They all fled the police but were caught. She did spent the whole night and most of the next day in jail (Which i believe woke her up) and then i had to go get her when they wer done. Chargese r still pending. I then had to take her to the emerg after we got home as the acohol had started to wear off and the pain started to set in. She has a concusion, internal brusing ect. I did take her keys (House keys) she does not drive. So now she knows te rules and she seen what couldnt have happened as while we were in the emerg one of her friends was brought in and he crashed and they r still tring to save his life as i write this. I made her go look and take a good look as it coud have been her while she was so un responcable with her behavier....... The Dr told her as well that this is a dangerous life that she was livingand that it needed to stop. She knows that if she does not respect me or my rules that she does need to move out with only her cloths on her back or she listens and has all that she still has. RE: her ipod was stolen from these so called friends and then they sold her a stolen one.....so she could have one.... She is to have no contact with them and i have offerd to go to rehab or to a councler with her. Today is really her new life as she calls it and i pray that she did see what could have been and to see all the love she does really have now. Thanks so much for ur advice and i will read more into this program if she starts to act up again. Hugzzzzzzzzzz Love Pam xoxo

I'm so sorry that your daughter had to get into a car accident for her to get a "wake up call". It sure could have been much worse if she had to remain in the hospital or had been killed. I am glad that she wasn't hurt anymore than she was. Hopefully that WILL be enough.

I hope and pray that she will straighten up and "fly right" for you now. There is such little time for children to show respect and give their parents love, AND learn about REAL life. I think it is a good idea for you to just check into wilderness therapy so that you can even know what they are. They may too expensive or may not even be what you are thinking about, but it is a good idea to have some idea of what they are.

I wish you lots of luck. Stay patient, be firm and love unconditionally but ALWAYS be consistent. Kids learn best that way! God bless you and your family!

Trish

well everyone so far so good with her. I have explained to her that she was at fault for everything that happened but i waited for her to come to me and talk about everything that happened andi said that if you can grow up and not be influenced so easy and to be your own person then we can talk. She ha shown so far to be respectfull to us all here at home and to be to work on time and she did go out this weekend and kept calling every three hours to say everything was ok. She is paying for her phone she broke that is in my name and i have ordered another one and now she pays the whole bill as of before she would only pay the over time. I told her she needs to pay it all and know the value of money. she has agreed whole heartedly and she has been really good. Now i have to take her down the road she was in the accident as she says she cant go down it so i told her i will take hr down and that she has to, to get the fear out as i was in a aweful accident when i was young i was hit by a drunk driver and i told her it will do her good and she will see what did happen. I went to the sceen that she was in and it wasnt to nice but it is cleaned up npow and believe she needs to see it all in the day and get a reality check again and be happy she does have days ahead to be here thanks so much everyone and hugzzzzz to you all xoxoxox

That is wonderful to hear that things are going well with you and you daughter. I continue to wish you lots of luck and remind you to stay patient, be firm, and consistent. It sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!

God bless you and your family!

Trish

Hello Mom:
As a survivor of abuse, addictions and group homes, eating disorders and all the psychological in between....
See if your daugter would take some time out to read my story in my personal bio www.hjwebster.com.
I trust you are a survivor of Cancer and have beaten that disease. *hug and empathy to you* I feel for your storm at this time.
Mom, it is never about the drug. The user is hiding some wound or feeling and cannot get it out so self desctruction happens.
I was in gangs, (serious) ones for years....they become family, protectors, and what I came to know as love.
I was a victim, survivor and warrior. Now a Goddess!
Also, I am 41 now....it took along time.
There is all kinds of wonderful help in this world....I am wondering if creative therapy would be a choice for your daughter?
Loads of options!!! Bottom line, you daughter has to reach out first. There are also alternative to 12 steps which are extremely empowering for women and more updated! Maybe a young mentor your daughters age can help?
I am not dis missing the 12 steps but, it is not for everyone and options are gateways to healthy choices.
As for your self.....treat yourself well, full of love and care! Talk and journal about it....start a support group even just to share your thoughts and gain wisdom and self healing. This is your daughters journey, and when she comes to an evolution or a crossroad....it would be wonderful to ready for it!(know the facts and the how to responds) That means to keep evolving yourself and get educated on this un healthy behavior. Very complex indeed!
Your daughter sounds like she is in pain! Under all that outter sicknes of the drugs and what she thinks are her family, is that little girl you once knew. It is up to her to find her and take her hand and get passed her wounds.
Of course with professional support and support and support and support.
When she reaches out.
To push will only get you resistance... the only time I am for intervention is when you can see it in your daughter that look, you know that lost look and she is not even being hygenically clean. Lost, just going through motions, no feeling, just lost.
You can always bring in an intervention?????
With much empathy Mom
Namaste'
Chia
A huge (I can realate to your daughter)

Well Hello everyone. Chia, thanks for the support. Loks like she is going right back at it again so im not sure where to turn now. She is starting to go out all the time and being disrespectfull again. I thought that the accident would have woken her up. it did for what about 3 weeks i guess. Now she wants to quite school shes arriving late to work and he friend is in jail and always wants to go to see him.... Very frustrating as a parent to see this happening again. She brags to everyone that she is drinking again and she wont listen. When anyone says why are you doing this she puts a smle on and says "Oh its fun" She if a major folower like i had said before and it seems like that gang just has her wrapped around thier fingure. WHen we talk she agrees with me but then goes and does what she shouldnt be again so. She tells me to let her learn on her own and to me thats a cop out for her to get her own way. She knows whats right from wrong because if she hears that someone in the family is doing something simular she freaks on them but yet to her its ok for her to do it. i guess ill Just have to sit back and be here when she gets hurt again and hope she realizes it before its to late. Thanks to all for your kind words and advice but she dont want to go for help she dont realize she needs it. And she has to ask i know for any oginization to help her. Take care all and thanks again. Love Pam...(K)(K)