BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids It takes a village parenting

So, I am currently CF but probably won't be forever. My sister and her husband have 2 very young children. The little one is only a few months old. I get a teensy guilt trip from my sister when I don't jump at the chance to help her at bath time when her husband isn't home, or volunteer to come over on the weekend to help so that she can get some work done, etc. I don't want to be harsh and mean, they are my nephews, but does this happen to everyone? Maybe I'm the one with the problem, and should be more helpful. But I don't want to! I have things to do too.

They are your NEPHEWS, not your own children. Therefore, no guilt necessary. You didn't choose to bring them into the world, they're not your responsibility. If you LIKE helping out with them, go for it, but don't let your sister guilt you. Her kids, her responsibility.

Cindy

When you cut my lawn, weed my garden, cook my dinner or walk my dogs, I'll babysit your kids ... sound fair? We're a village, right?

Pikasm- that is an excellent point, and I do tend to me more flexible volunteering to watch my neighbor's kids because my neighbor DOES cut our grass once in a while, and he feeds the dog when we're out of town! I feel a little better now. The village thing is supposed to work both ways. I do feel rather harsh at my knee jerk reaction of "NO" when she asks for help, but I really am very busy and not just sitting around looking for ways to spend my boring weekends.

I've run into this many times, and it's infuriating. No, it's definitely not your obligation. Anything extra you do is out of the kindness of your heart.

It doesn't mean you love your nephews any less, it's just setting boundaries.

She should have thought of all of this when she did her family planning, if it's particularly stressful. And if there was no family planning, that's their bad, not yours.

I refrain from talking about my youngest sister on this board b/c it just gets my blood pressure going. But she had my nephew at 20, and she's a train wreck. So the last 7 years has been comprised of everyone in the family picking up the pieces.

My parents and my sister have said things to me about not helping out enough. And, I'm like, how often did my aunts and uncles watch me when I was little? Rarely. I am more involved in my nephew's life than most aunts and uncles. We are really close.

My sister has actually said, more than once "you only want to watch him when it's convenient for you." Well, yeah, why would I want to do it when it's inconvenient for me? And it's so SHE can do something. So I should inconvenience myself so that she can do what she wants to do. That makes sense.

She's totally warped and entitled, and thinks it's a given that other people should bend over backwards to help her.

It does take a village, but only you can discern how much energy, free time, etc. you can expend. I would set limitations now, and over time she won't ask you for help as much. At least, that's how it has worked with me.

Your weekends are your weekends, whether you are busy or not. If you want to kick back and just relax than you should be able to do so without feeling guilty. Her kids are her kids. They are not your kids. If you want to help, then help, if you don't then don't. But please don't feel like you have to stay busy on the weekend to not feel guilty.

Right. I chose to have three dogs, so if my relatives don't want to take care of them every time I want to do something, that's not their problem, and I have no right to give them guilt about it. My neighbor and I do help each other out with our dogs, but it goes both ways. It's not one of us unfairly burdening the other with it and never doing it in return.

My family lived far away from our relatives when I was a kid, so we didn't have grandparents/aunts/uncles available to look after us. My parent's didn't let it keep them from doing things without us kids, they hired a babysitter. I guess people don't do that much anymore. Family takes care of kids, or they drag kids everywhere with them.

Cindy

This is so true. We have two relatives that don't drive, and they are constantly looking for rides everywhere. They are grown men, and they should be responsible for their own transportation.

Even if I am just home taking a nap, it doesn't mean we should drop everything to drive them around. They chose to be nondrivers, and they need to be willing to take public transportation. Major pet peeve, can you tell?

Exactly! But the childed have like zero free time to even do their own weeding. But that's their choice, of course. They know that going into it.

My sister is always looking for help with her son, but NEVER, NEVER offers to help any of us. And, on top of it, she's nasty to us. Which is another reason she almost never gets help from me. I see my nephew on my own terms.

OMG Happy! I can see why that would raise your blood pressure. It pisses me off from here! Her thing about you only doing it when it's convenient would almost be funny if it wasn't so obnoxious. Ug.

I guess I don't have much sympathy for parents who can't get enough time away from their kids. I should...and feel a little guilty for my lack of empathy. But actually I do empathize. That's why I haven't had them.