BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband dropped the BOMB

It's much, much simpler than that. Fleurie, Tell your husband that he might have changed his mind, but you haven't. The only way he's going to have a kid is by impregnating someone else, because guess what buddy - you ain't shifting.

And trust me, if you lose him, Life will go on. If you lose him, is he worth hanging on to in the first place, if he can muss with your mind in this way?

Excellent form of control, isn't it?
"Either we have a kid, or I walk".... That's not emotional blackmail, is it...? Oooooh no, of course not....

Not saying this has happened, but that's what it is, if it does....

Amen, Alexandra. Any man who tries to manipulate your mind, guilt you into giving into something so extraordinarily serious as producing a child you do not want, and not taking "no" for an answer when your relationship was at least partially founded on a mutual desire to remain childfree, is certainly not worth the financial and emotional ruin you describe. Within yourself you will find strength you did not know you had if he chooses to leave to pursue other options. If he does this, find solace in the fact that he will probably find a suitable lemming, settle for less than true love, end up divorced and paying a sizable amount of child support for kids he gets to see every other weekend and on some holidays. Meanwhile, you'll still be true to yourself, have the freedom to do whatever you want and find someone who truly shares your life's desires, and when your miserable ex comes crawling back you will smile and listen to his complaints, pat his hand, and then go back to the life you have that you always wanted.

I totally agree with that... Maybe it will shock him into thinking with his BRAIN instead of his hormones. If for 20 years he has said he doesn't want a kid... he really needs to do some thinking about why he suddenly needs a child of his loins. He needs to share his reasoning with you.
I would NOT recommend having a child to please someone else. But if you two DO agree to have a child together, I would lay down the law and tell him that the kid is going to be HIS. He will have to pull his weight and take more than 1/2 of the child rearing duties... if not, you'll split. If you divorce, the baby will be going with HIM.

Really, its a no win situation for you either way, so I would suggest you try EVERYTHING to try to get him to think this through, figure out WHY he suddenly wants a child, see if this is a passing thing, or if he can fulfill those needs in some other way (volunteer with big brothers?), and try to get him to change his mind. Get him to look at the plusses AND minuses of having a child (and there are TONS of minuses). There are lots of threads on this forum which have helpful information. I would suggest doing a lot of reading on here, and getting all of the ammunition you can.

Good Luck! We're with YOU!

Excellent advice, Alexandra. And she's right, Fleurie - trust me, I split with my long term SO two months ago over the kids issue, and I don't regret it. When we sat down to have "the talk" the first question he asked was "you don't want kids, do you?" and my answer was "No". No second thoughts, no hesitation.

Was I sad to lose him? Yes. Was he worth screwing up my life for? No. Life does go on, and two months later I am happy, healthy and well on my way to being over it. He will find his lemming (nice, Shannon!), and will get married and then probably divorced, he will pay out thousands to raise his kid, and will I envy him that? I think not. I have trips to plan, a house to renovate and a policeman to date on Friday...

Sorry to hear about this.
I have a friend who wanted to have many children. Her husband told her after they married that he didn't. They compromised and had one. She is now contemplating divorce after 30 years of marriage for many reasons and admits to a huge resentment that he didn't allow her to have the big brood she dreamt of having. Had they annulled to begin with, they would maybe both have what they wanted.
My husband and I are CF, but I admit that I don't bring the issue up around him (negatively or positively)that much for fear that as he ages he will change his mind. Men can develop a sentimental weirdness on the issue. (He's a CF that likes kids and pregnant women, I'm a CF that could care less)
Also, one of the benefits of CF marriage is knowing that we choose year after year, to live together and love each other because are compatible...Plain and simple. Should we decide or evolve otherwise, we will not be traumatizing anyone but ourselves. Knowing we can "walk" is a freedom my friends with kids don't feel they have.

[ In fact, I would be so despondent I would have to quit my great job and move in with my parents in another state, which will also mean financial ruin. [/quote]

Fleurie,
perhaps this is rude of me but you are creating a dismal future for yourself either way with this statement. There is no reason for you to predict such ruin for yourself. Have more faith in yourself!!! Consider joining a co-dependancy group.
This could also be a whim on his part, so why predict such things?

Yep, that's it. He always told me he loved me more than anything, but obviously "fantasy future family" suddenly became more important to him. It's very hard to take. The best part is that he has alcohol problems and somehow thinks he's going to be able to get a grip on himself enough to take care of a kid. Sure, drunks make great parents!!!!!!!!

I realize that I would eventually be able to move on and have a nice life someplace else, but I was pretty happy here and things were only getting better. We had more money, less debt, etc. Oh and if we had a kid he would have to be a stay at home dad because I am the big breadwinner with a professional job. He doesn't make enough money to support a family in this big city and I think that unless you are a single parent with no choice putting a little kid in daycare is rotten.

So, he's going back to therapy ( he was in therapy at the beginning of our relationship for sex addiction, yep and I still married him ! I can hear you all groaning! ). He's had such problems with depression for about a year and a half I'm thinking he's grasping at this "family" straw to try and save himself. So, I'll keep you all posted.

Yes, I have the same situation, he likes kids, and I don't. But I must confess I have never really been around children, ever in my adult life. My sister and mother are gung ho kid freaks. He was abandoned by his father as a young child and I think he wants to prove to himself that he is better than that, that a kid will fill the hole left by his abandonment. Unfortunatly, once people get the baby bug, I don't think they snap out of it, whatever the reason. I hope the therapist can pull him out of this. A long road of therapy & couples counseling lies ahead. Ugh.

I'm sure I speak for everyone when I wish you luck. It sounds like he has a lot to deal with, and hopefully you'll all come out of this happier and wiser. Hang in there.

Cindy,

I am LOL right now. WHT? is exactly what I thought when he said that to me. Doesn't he realize real love was sitting in front of him, not some whiny child?
Also I should note my brother has 2 kids 4 and 6yrs of age and he just called me to let me know his wife was divorcing him because he works too much and can't stand to be by herself with the kids all the time.