BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids This Would Have Been Me

I found this entry on the True Mom Confessions Board. This would have been me if I would have had kids.

"I so wish I could talk to those women who are on the fence as to whether or not they should have kids if they are uncertain. Speaking from experience - please don't. I was one of those women who never really took an interest in babies, never offered to hold or babysit other people' kids, never felt the ticking clock, etc. It's not that I don't like children - I do - but I would have been perfectly content to remain childless.

Unfortunately I caved into the pressure from family, friends and ultimately myself. I was the only one in my closeknit family without a child. They all seemed so happy that I began to think that maybe I was missing out on something. Both my parents were seriously ill and I knew they would be over the moon at the prospect of a grandchild. I had been married 7 yrs and my dh always left the child option up to me.

Now here I am a few years later w/ a one year old. It is hard, so hard. The maternal instinct never kicked in. I have no patience and absolutely no clue how to raise her. People always used to tell me "it will be different when its your own". It wasn't. I love my girl but will always feel she would have been better off with someone else. I wish I would have had the courage and conviction to say that I was totally ok to be child free. I liked my job, my freedom and living on my own terms. Now every day is filled with guilt. I have a little girl who did nothing to deserve a [censored] up mom and a good husband who tries so hard to make up for my shortcomings.

I am determined however, that my daughter will never know that I regret my decision."

The truly sad thing about that post is that regardless of how determined she is, her child will still sense that she regrets having her. Kids aren't as oblivious as most parents would like to believe. That child will probably grow up desparately seeking her mother's approval and may never feel that she gets it. I've seen too many people grow up like that. How very, very sad.

Very true.No matter how hard the mother trys the Kid will know she was really a mistake.

You are correct Tbuuny. Children are ver intuitive. They pick up on many things that adults think are going right over their heads.

Maybe that is why it is so taboo to admit regretting having children. More than looking bad to your peers, it's cruel to your children to say that to them, or in front of them. A lot of people end up doing it anyway. Can someone who regrets parenting really be a good parent? I think they can...but that would be a long, hard job. Wow. That post really spoke to me.

Frieda: I have a friend that regrets having her daughter. Shortly after her daughter was born she found out that her husband was gay/bi-sexual and they divorced. She was bitter for a long time because she really wanted to wait a while before they had children and he talked her into getting pregnant right away.

She is a good mom, but I'm sure her daughter feels her mom's regret. She is always short and impatient with her daughter and is counting down the years until she turns 18 and is also insisting that the child go away to college.

She is one of the people who strongly urged me NOT to have children. Glad I listened.

Holy moley. I've never met anyone who even came near admitting that to me. It helps immensely to hear it. Deep down I know I'd feel that way, at least to some degree. It would probably depend on the child, which doesn't make it any better. I know it would make me resentful of my husband, because I'd be doing so much more of the work. Thanks for sharing that commoncents.

Your welcome Frieda. Many of my friends are honest about parenthood with me. My bestfriend, though, always trys to make it sounds like it is always great being a parent. On a few occasions she's dropped her guard and I get the real deal. I'm going to tell her that she does not have to sugar coat it for me any longer. I've finally put my adoption plans to rest and I care for a friend's daughter once a month for a weekend, and just babysitting during that short period of time, let me know that I was DEFINITELY not cut out to be a parent.

This post really resonated with me too. When I was 37 (I'm 41 now) I went through a period where I was seriously thinking of having a baby, despite never really feeling any maternal instincts. The reason: I didn't want to miss out on the wonderful experience that EVERYONE around me insisted motherhood would be. Luckily, at that time, I had two conversations that literally changed my life.

One was with a family friend who admitted to me that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't have had children. She said that she had children because "she thought she should, and it was expected of her". I was shocked to hear this comment from a woman in a happy marriage with two "good" college-aged kids (smart, nice, relatively few problems raising them). So it's not like she had a harrowing time as a mother - she loves her kids, it just that motherhood was never her "calling".

The other conversation was with my OB/GYN, a man in his 60s no less, and an amazingly compassionate person. When I told him that "even though I've never been the maternal type, I'm thinking that I should consider having a baby." His reaction was kind of surprising. He said, "So many of my patients have babies because they think they should. It never works out well." I was floored. Nobody had told me that!

Anyway, if it weren't for those two conversations, I could have easily been that woman posting on TMC.

Yeah, I know I would feel the same way if I had them. I would HATE it.

I guess we have to be careful when listening to other people, because people are so different. Just b/c kids changed someone elses life doesn't mean it would change ours (for the better, at least.)

I would also like to know what their life was like before they had them. My life is full now, I don't see how having a kid, and all of the responsibilities and headaches it brings, would enhance my life.

I've noticed throughout my life that I fail to see the enjoyment in a lot of things other women, or people, enjoy.

For example, big parties when everyone is standing around drinking but not really talking about anything. People say it was the best party. And I'm like, I was there, and it really wasn't that great. I tried to go to these parties over and over again, but I never got it. My needs are different, social and otherwise.

I also go for quality over quantity. I'd much rather get together with one good friend and have a real conversation than go to a big party.

I'd also rather be alone than just be with anyone, friend or boyfriend. I enjoy spending time alone. Another reason I can't have kids, because you get SO little alone time.

It's hard to be different though, and that's why I thank God for this forum.