BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids if we don't have kids who's gonna take care of us?

Hello to all. I am new to this board, but was extremely happy to see that I am not alone. I am on the fence (and leaning harder towards not having them) with having children. I recently went to the GYN and broke out in a cold sweat walking out of the building after he told me what my next steps could be to help with having children such as meds, x-rays to find out if I am sterile, telescoping etc.. I also and firmly against having and can not afford In-Vitro, so that's not an option. My life is great. We have a dog and I am content with our small family. I am a planner and realist, so the one thing I think of most is what happens if my husband dies before me, and let's say I become deathly ill, who will take care of me. What are some reccomndations ladies? I know, that when you have children, no one says they will stick around to help you when you get old. I truly believe if I get solid advice on this topic, I will change my mind about children. I know kids are a blessing, but honestly, last week walking out of my doctor's office made me think the children thing is not for me. Please advice. Thanks.

BMW,

Without college funds to think of, you should be able to save like crazy and have it compound over time. Entering a "life care" community (where there are independent living apartments for active seniors, as well as assisted living and a nursing home) is an idea for some, once they reach post-retirement age. Others want to stay in their own homes and hire home health care at whatever point they need it.

Maintain your friendships. Maintain your interests, and make new ones. Maintain your primary relationship with your husband. Those are the things which will sustain you in old age. People who are depending on their kids to take care of them in old age are making a shaky bet indeed. Not only is it a lousy burden to put on a kid (and a lousier reason to *have* a kid, although some people do list this reason!), but it's simply a bad bet. Lots of lonely, unvisted people in nursing homes are parents.

I agree completely with Elise.

I have this vision of a childfree commune...where childfree adults over a certain age live near one another and take care of one another as family.

I never want anyone taking care of me because they are obligated. My mother, who is very close with her parents, tried having them live with her and my dad for awhile. It was terrible. My grandmother now lives in a nursing home near my mom who visits often. My mother was as good a daughter as one could dream of...and she could not handle taking care of her parents on her own.

Even with the best possible situation, your child still may not "take care of you".

On the flip side of this, a friend of mine's mom passed away about 12 years ago. The mom and dad lived on rural land next to mom's parents. Mom's parents are now almost 100. Who has been watching out for them over the last 12 years? My friend's dad, who is their son in law! From what I understand, they have other children. Yet it is this non-blood relative who has picked up the slack.

I am not a religious person. However, I wonder, if a person is not able to naturally have kids, is that life's way of telling them not to? Or to say, "adopt"?

My great aunt didn't have any children. She lived to be 98. She choose to live in one of the lifecare type places mentioned above, although she did have extended family who would have happily taken her in (including me once I was an adult.) In her later years she recieved a lot of help from her sister-in-law's sister-in-law (also my great aunt), who had become her good friend and some of her neighbors from when she had lived in a house who had also become good friends. If you are a loving person, you will most likely have family or friends to take care of you regardless of whether or not you have children.

Julie

Thank you Elise, Chaco and Julie for the sound advice. Chaco made a comment about, if you can not have a child naturally, was it meant to be? For me personally, I agree with this. If it not meant to be - it is not meant to be.

I will never forget reading a story of a woman worth millions and her son took everything and she was left in the cold to die. Whether it be a child, nephew or niece, I hope once I get to the point of handing power of attorney/estate/finacials to a nephew or niece and hoping they will do the right things with the wealth.

Thanks Elise, I will start looking at these communities. This will put my mind at ease knowing that they are not terrible places that my parents make them out to be.

Thank you, again.

BMW

We're starting to follow the Europeans' lead on this front. The USA used to have this mindset that you took care of yourself, at home, until you either dropped dead or entered a nursing home. There's a lot of ground to cover between those two points...

With the baby boom generation starting to retire, I think options will only become better and more numerous. (I'm a gen-Xer, but only missed the baby boom by two years). It's nice to know that by the time I have to deal with these questions, a lot more of the wrinkles will have been ironed out.

I love your choice of terminology, Elise! Ironing out the WRINKLES! Perfect for this discussion!

Hi BMWAUDI, Thanks for posting. It's great to hear from people new to the forum.

I could almost have written your post about year ago. Been going through much similar experiences. I continued soldiering on despite my misgivings, and got all the testing at the doctor for me and my husband (oh boy...trying to get *it* to land in a cup in the car in a dark corner of parking lot at the clinic...how romantic), and went through the preliminary fertility clinic process. Good lord, what a pain in the arse. The whole time I'm thinking, this is NOTHING compared to what my life will be like if this cockamamee scheme really works.

I was so relieved to find others to talk to here. Even my doctor and a counselor tried to froth me up over my lack of childedness, and my husband's lack of enthusiasm for the whole idea (though he does go back and forth a lot even still). It's really hard (for me) to make the commitment to give up, but at the same time, I'm not trying anymore at this point.

I came here asking similar questions about old age and such, and I love Elise's philosophy. The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that it may well be too high a price to pay for an unguaranteed caretaker in old age. I know so few old people that live with their children. I certainly am not planning to move my parents into my house when they can't take care of themselves anymore. It would damage my marriage if I did (my mom is very freaky).

No, I think it's better to plan for my own retirement, and not live in a situation where I'm a burden or obligation to someone. I hope to be able to live in a pleasant environment, maybe in some sort of shared, communal housing develop where there's activities, and shared meals (and a chef!) and other people to keep me company. If I'm able to stay involved in the community at all by volunteering or taking classes, that would awesome for interactions with younger people.

I know so many older people whose kids have caused them to be broke in their old age. It can go either way...you could end up with a big mess and a dependent child who is grown up if something goes wrong. Who knows?

I plan to care for my parents in their old age but I know that my mother and I will unfortunately have tension, regardless. My closest four friends are childfree and are ages 62-79 and I plan to be there for them. My older childfree friends are so unique and interesting, subversive and individualistic, that the young flock to them anyway.
I also have one older friend who has grown children in her life but asked me to help her plan her funeral because she said I would bring no B.S. and drama into it.
And don't forget, BMWAUDI, should our spouses go before we do, we can count on great care from our competitive hot young lovers!!! (At least that's my gameplan!)

I know my parents are not planning on having myself or my brother take care of them (ie., living with myself or him) if they can no longer care for themselves. They have provided themselves insurance for their care if that becomes necessary. They have no wish to be a burden on anyone. My Dad is a healthy and active 74, and my Mom is 61, so it's not likely they would become invalid seniors at the same time regardless. I can't imagine them as invalids anyway because they are so active, but I know anything can happen. I would not make a good nurse, and how would I care for either of them 24/7 if they needed that anyway? I would have to quit my job to do it. Do people really expect their children will do that for them, if they need round-the-clock care? Or if their children live in a different city, are they expected to uproot their life and their family's lives to come care for an elderly parent?

My grandfather has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home in the town he lived in all his life. Two of his daughters live nearby but they both work full-time and would not be able to quit their jobs to care for him. He can be very difficult and stubborn anyway, and it would be a heart-wrenching and physically difficult job to care for him, if they were even trained to do it. Therefore, he can receive the best care and be safest in a nursing home, where he receives frequent visits from his daughters and other relatives.

Cindy