BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Atheist Morals v. Mores, or Etiquette v. Integrity

At what point do personal beliefs become more important than remaining in harmony with those around you? Would you attend a service of a religion in which you do not believe if you were invited to do so by a friend/acquaintance/lover/child/boss? A quasi-religious service, such as a wedding or a funeral? Does it matter if you were in your own community or visiting a differnet culture? I'm thinking in this case of Japan, where it is customary to pray at funerals in the manner of the deceased, regardless of your beliefs. Would the general culture or politics of a country prevent you from visiting? I'm thinking of such examples of Saudi Arabia (women's status), Ireland (abortion and divorce), Switzerland (suffrage), China (Tibet) or the U.S. (Iraq)

I'm surprised no one has replied to this yet. I was hoping someone else would jump in and get the topic started so I don't unintentionally end up taking over the whole thread again. But since no one has, I guess I'll post a few thoughts.

The line between morals and mores, etiquette and integrity can sometimes be hard to draw. However, two aspects that I find make a difference in how I react to a request to do something that goes against my own belief systems is (1)whether anyone will be adversely affected or offended by my actions, and (2) whether the request is polite or coercive. In the case of wedding and funeral invitations, attendance is a personal choice. Hence, in accepting a polite invitation to a wedding, funeral, or other religious ceremony, I view my acceptance as an opportunity to partake in a ceremony that has meaning for those concerned, if not for myself. Given that these people are presumably friends or family of mine, it would therefore be rude of me to act disrespectfully during the service. That means that I stand and sit down when others do, and remain quiet during ceremonial repetitions. It is simply a matter of personal respect not to make a nuisance of myself.

Thus, during an optional moment of prayer or "moment of silence," I will bow my head out of respect for those who believe in the ritual if not for the ritual's purpose. Likewise, I will refrain from taking part in rituals which are prohibited to outsiders, such as the taking of the eucharist in Catholic churches. If I'm so offended by the Eucharist that I can't stand to be around it, then I probably shouldn't be in a Catholic church to begin with.

Once the request to participate in a religious ceremony becomes coercive, however, I no longer feel compelled to cooperate. Thus, if I am told that I have to swear allegiance to "one nation under God," I am probably going to be a little less complaint.

As for visiting other countries, I separate the politics of a nation from its people, and hence, I would not avoid visiting a country for political reasons alone.

Yes, and we have. Before we attend I make sure the "friend" understands we are not converting, changing our beliefs etc. For us we feel it is a learning experience and it can be fun.

I guess my own behavior stems from my upbringing in the importance of the guest/host relationship. Wherever I go, I try to follow the customs of that place. Theoretically that means that there are places I won't visit (Iran, Saudi Arabia), though there are more practical reasons than my moral objections (i.e., there are other places I'd like to spend my money on first.)

I'd like to think that almost all of us try to respect the guest/host relationship, Nechochwen. What specifically about a visit to Iran or Saudi Arabia would compel you to break with local customs and therefore cause you to violate that relationship?

As a woman, I imagine that I might not be too fond about the idea of wearing a veil in Saudi Arabia or other Arab nations, but I would probably do so in the presence of local Muslims if I were in the country visiting relatives, for example. I might draw the line differently if I were living there rather than simply visiting. As a guest, it seems both more respectful and simply more sensible to honor local customs at least superficially. (This doesn't mean I have to accept the dogma behind the customs.) But as a citizen, for example, I might not be as willing to submit myself to the will of a dominant majority. I don't think I'm significantly different from other people in this regard.

It's not that I would feel an irresistable urge to break with local customs, but that I'd rather not put myself in the position of having to make the choice in the first place. Specifically, the restrictions on male/female interaction, the public prayer would bother me. More importantly however, my time and money are limited, and there are so many places I haven't been yet that I'd rather go to places where I'd be more comfortable. Having said that, it is forseeable that I may need to go to a sharia-ruled country in the course of business someday, and while there I would obey the customs (though I understand visiting businessmen are somewhat shielded from the harsher aspects). You are right that I'm more comfortable challenging the customs of my own country/town/peer group. After all, in those groups, I'm (theoretically at least) one of the decision makers, and I have to put up with things there for a lot longer.

I don't exactly know how I'd deal with being kancho'ed if I was visiting or working in Japan.

Ok, that's all understandable. As for kancho-ing, I'm not sure that's a matter of integrity so much as a matter of personal comfort. Still, it's not something I'd care to put up with either. I guess you'd do best to wear heavy twill pants and a stiff pair of boxers.

For starters.

I suppose it depends on circumstances for me. Certainly, I wouldn't go so far as to convert to make someone else happy! (I tend to be upfront with most people about my agnosticism, though I'm a bit quieter where I currently live - there is a huge strongly fundy element in the local homeschool community, and we have to live here. But fortunately, I am meeting more and more accepting people of all stripes.)

I certainly go to a church if it is a wedding or some such. My dh (atheist) and I (agnostic) are even one nephew's godparents, so we obviously went to the church for that.

We go to a church regularly -- for scout meetings. (I do have issues about the BSA policies, but while my ds is a scout, I don't want to rock the boat too much and risk him getting kicked out.)

For a while, my ds sang with a church choir (his choice, despite not being a believer), and I often felt like an anthropologist, watching a strange culture. Easter was most bizarre, because those people TRULY believe that Jesus rose from the dead, and that means they will, too.... I just find that hard to fathom, that some people believe things in the bible so literally!

But I would never go to church services as a regular thing, because I would feel too uncomfortable.