BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development A change is gonna come

I'm a big believer in personal growth. Lately, I've wondering if anyone can ever experience real personal growth without everything falling apart first.
In other words, the crisis theory of change.

It would seem with all the self-help books out there and an Internet offering a veritable smorgasbord of facts at our fingertips 24/7 that we would be the healthiest, most enlightened, happiest generation around. But to me, it seems we are more confused than ever.

I had posted Weighing in on weight on a women's Web site and got a lot of women upset with my thoughts that if you're unhappy with your weight (or drinking, or infidelities, blah, blah, blah), you've got to change your lifestyle. And I acknowledged it's hard.

But maybe you can't "just do it."

For all my hippish and questioning beginnings, I didn't start to do the real work on myself until my marriage started crumbling and we headed for a divorce. In a very warped way, I'm glad it happened because it was the slap across my face that got me to be fully present and engaged in my life (and The Kid's, too, although I know that the divorce most likely helped create lifelong issues for him). And, of course, it sent me straight to the shrinks and self-help workshops to understand what the hell had happened and what my role in it was � and how not to repeat those bad behaviors. And I get it! It all became so much clearer to me. But you know, it's a process, I still make mistakes (but I know it while I'm doing them!) and I'm still learning.

But could I, or any of us, accomplish the same thing just because we wanted to shake things up in our life? Could we really change our bad patterns and behaviors � and keep it up � without having the emotionally wrenching reality check? For some people I know, it took a DUI for them to get real about their drinking. For others, it took a divorce to get them to face up to their addictions. And for others, it took a medical emergency to get real about their unhealthy diets and lifestyle.

Yet even that doesn't always do it. I was watching the irreverent comedy "Scrubs" with The Kid the other day (and I seriously think the main reason I've been watching it with him is because I have a huge crush on Zach Braff Those lips!!!), and it was the episode in which a man returns several times to Sacred Heart hospital for the same serious medical condition because he just will not change his diet, even though he knows it may eventually kill him. Sure, this is just TV, but ... don't we all know someone like that?

So even a crisis doesn't do it for some of us. Why?

According to Rebecca Skloot's Why is it So D**m Hard to Change in O The Oprah Magazine, change is hard because it "means fighting one of the most fundamental neurological systems in the brain."

Then she goes on to say that

So all of this sound to me like it's really, really hard. I mean, who wants to go head-to-head with hard-wired biological destiny? I have a feeling I know who'd win on that one!

Yet, if we truly want to change our bad ways, we have to, like it or not.

As Skloot says:


I'm all for working with our brains. Sometimes, however, I wish mine would work with me for a change!

Have you changed your life without having to go through "the crisis"?

Kat Wilder's My So-called Midlife

I don't think that anyone can change their life without going through a "crisis".....it usually takes a crisis to precipitate change!! My own change came when I realized that if I didn't get out of my marriage, I was going to self-destruct. It was a bad marriage from the very beginning - but for various reasons, I wound up sticking with it for 29 years.

Once I was free of the shackles, I rebelled in the usual way - reverting back to my wild teen years, and acting irresponsibly in every way. Long story, short - I finally realized that I was being as self-destructive as a single person, as I had become living with my ex. At that point, I started to become the person that I am today.

I am happy to say, that crisis can be a good thing - we need to become infatuated with ourselves - realize that we are the ones who should dictate who and what we are.....if we allow others to dictate to us, we lose our identity, and become Stepford Wives, or Stepford Children, or Stepford Whatevers. We also need to understand that everyone else is as insecure as we are. It took the Landmark Forum to show me that every little slight that I took as an indictment of my character was simply someone else's own insecurity directed towards me. When people attack you, odds are, they feel inferior to you, and are trying to bring you down to their level.

What a revelation!!

I was allowing silly childhood and even some adult experiences to become my excuse for being a doormat for others. Holey Moley!! I say, let the crisis come!! It opens the door for change and self-acceptance.

I do think you can. And i have changed without a crisis... quite dramatically. So i would say there is evidence to the contrary, however...

Usually we change following a crisis because we all tend to have a certain inertia. We are comfortable with what is familiar. But if one thing changes, often many other things then have to change, or some things i think, have been waiting for the right moment to change. Sort of like, when you want a glass of water but you don't go get it until you have to get up for something else.

I was going to address both of your wisdom with something I rememebered from a long time ago � that the word crisis in Chinese is made up of two words � danger and opportiunity � but then I discovered this at The Straight DopeBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Yes, i quite agree, that deeply hurting events can bear wonderful opportunities and gifts! ...not just "lessons" but real gifts. They can't usually be seen though unless you go looking expecting to find the silver lining.

Sometimes though, we don't want to wait for a crisis. And getting the motivation to change when we don't have a crisis can sometimes be challenging, but i've found a couple tricks that help me. For example, i'm planning on rearranging my room. Some people cut their hair or change the color or grow a beard, but for me, moving my bedroom into another room or something like that really helps. Sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it? But try it. You'll see it works. You see, if you change little things, but particularly things that you see and little routines, it helps everything seem fresh and makes big changes easier. From a new room, i have a new perspective. And a new perspective, allows me to have a new perspective in other parts of my life.

I've been involved in self help and change for a long time, and one thing I've learned that has surprised me is how many people there are who think they want change but who really want more to hold onto their excuses for not making change. It's as if they seriously believe something is keeping them from changing, so they're "safe" and "off the hook," and they'll go on and on about what it is that is preventing them from changing. If I try to penetrate that belief, all I get is resistance, protest, and eventually rejection--the person will eliminate ME from her life before she'll eliminate the problem she loves to complain about but "can't" change. I'm sure we all know people like that, but it still surprises me.

I like your "new perspective" idea, Holly. Sometimes I sit in another chair in a room in my house just to force myself to see the room (and life) differently. Maybe it's that inner willingness to force ourselves to keep our perspective fresh that helps us be more fluid with making changes in our lives?

Barbara

I wonder how much am guilty of that... "arguing my limitations." I try to guard against it, but i'm not sure any but the most evolved human beings can do that.

or was that an argument? LOL

That is so true, that most people resist change - which is why it can take a crisis to precipitate change - I too, have found that women (and men) don't like it when they are told to step out of their very safe, yet miserable, comfort zones. It is so much easier to just keep doing what they have always done. I used to be a master of avoidance!!

I, too, work with women who think that they want change, but resist it like the dickens when it comes right down to it. What a thrill it is, though, when they work through the fear, and the final results are improved appearance, which improves self esteem, which improves performance, etc, etc, etc!

hollyelise, i used to rearrange furniture (moving rooms seems a little daunting!) all of the time....it does satisfy the need for change, and is a way of getting a fresh look at things.

something else that i have noticed is the way that women will change their appearance after a divorce. I guess that it is a way of "starting over" and reinventing themselves. And, it is exciting to see the butterfly emerge from that marital cocoon that they were living in. Again, another crisis (divorce) bringing about a positive change.

hahahaha... yes, and men change their appearance after a divorce, too... often by getting fit and growing a goatee or a beard or something like that!

I'd like to hear more about your work and what have you found that helps women to change?