BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Long Absence

Hello everyone. It has been such a long time since I have been back to this site. I forgot how refreshing it is! I got another baby shower invite in the mail today. I don't know why, but for some reason I felt a little depressed. It seems like EVERYONE in my town are having kids. Close friends of ours just had a baby last February and they are already talking about having another. I sort of feel like all of the people I know are making all of these crazy changes in their lives and I am just doing the same old thing. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I want to start having kids or anything, but I feel like they look at me and wonder why my husband and I don't have any children yet. Like our lives are empty without kids. Is this a normal feeling? I honestly hate going to showers. Women act all gushy and stuff. I am just not into that. I will go though. I have known this friend since grade school and they had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, so I know she is truly happy. I just feel so uncomfortable around that kind of stuff. I shouldn't care what people think about me, but part of me wonders if I am missing out on something. Any advice on how to deal with these feelings?

hi small town girl! i just want to let you know that you aren't alone in your feelings! i also despise baby showers and i couldn't have said it better myself about the gushiness of it! that is really what i can't stand. it's not so much about the pregnant person involved although that is part of it. most of it to me is how everyone around her acts! it's like the invasion of the stepford wives! i'm just not that either. in fact even though i'm married i don't even like bridal showers b/c you know even at those things people are already bringing up having kids. i didnt even want a bridal shower for myself when i got married. my mom had to talk me into it.

one practical thing that might help when you go is to try to help out as much as possible.if you're busy helping to open up gifts etc.. from personal experience there is less chance that you'll have to socialize and it really does help pass the time.


i think it's only natural no matter how comfortable we are in our decision to still care what people think. i'm very firm CF but sometimes when people ask if i have kids i still feel a little bit uncomfortable.

it's really difficult not to be a part of " a club in this case the mommy club". it's not easy but maybe you can hopefully find at least one or two people who dont' have kids to talk to or hang out with. luckily for me i have at least some people in my life who are Cf and it really helps. if not i find personally that posting on here really helps me feel connected and not so much alone.

indigo

Thanks Indigo. It does help me to post on here and read the replies. It's funny that you should mention that you didn't want a bridal shower because I didn't want one either. My aunts put it together and it ended up being nice. I made them swear not to do any "games" or things like that. I despise them. Of course when I broke the ribbons on some of the gifts, I got the "Oh there's one you're going to have!" comments. Ugh. I get asked all of the time if my husband and I have children and when I say no, the reply is always, "Well, you're young and you still have time." Like it isn't possible that a woman wouldn't even WANT to have children. My husband's cousin is expecting and I just heard yesterday about how cute she looks with her little belly and all of that. I just walked away from the conversation.

I sort of feel bad for wanting to make some new CF friends around here, which is actually very difficult in this town. After my husband finishes school, we will move to a bigger city. I am hoping that we can find more CF couples to hang out with.

On another note, a family member that lives in the same town that I do just had her second child and she is only about 20 or 21. She and her fiance are not working and on welfare. She wanted to have her tubes tied while she was already having a c-section. Her OBGYN refused to do the procedure because he felt that she was too young and that if something were to happen to one of her other children, she may want to have more. I found this appalling. What gives this doctor the right to refuse to do the operation? Not to mention that they can't properly provide for the two children that they already have. They are irresponsible and lazy. There were times when she didn't even bathe regularly and all of that. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I can't see why people should have children when they can't keep a job to support them. Her kids don't have a chance. Just a thought for you.

I'm feeling the same way about showers, just not interested. Not excited for people who get pregnant. I don't mind buying a gift but don't want to sit through the shower. I think I'll start doing just that - sending a gift & skipping the showers.

I know three couples who just announced they are due in Oct. They will all probably be good parents and not have 6 kids so it's not awful, but then I heard about all sorts of people having 5,6, ... 9 kids and that makes me feel [censored]. I know it's their business, but OVERbreeding just bugs me.

I no longer feel uncomfortable when people ask me if I have kids - It's usually people who have kids asking and I just say - it's not for me, I like my life the way it is, etc. They usually don't have much to say to that

Showers suck! It's like being forced to spend an afternoon with a room full of accountants when you have no interest in accounting! But hey, I'd hang out with accountants any day over people partying with diapers and formula. (nothing against accountants, just an example.)

I feel sorry for women, especially young women, that are pregnant. I feel like the really young ones have no idea what they are getting themselves into, and when they find out, it's too late.

I don't know why, but I agree with you, people seem to think if you don't have kids you are somehow unfulfilled.

If they think this, I feel like, wasn't their spouse enough for them? Were they bored with each other, is that why they had kids?

It helps me to think about some of these myths in a different way. I question them just as much as they question me. I wonder if they are really happy, and if their kids are responsible for their happiness.

I think happiness is relative, too. I mean, a parent can just used to the parenting lifestyle, and be okay with six hours of sleep a night. And they might be happy. I know I wouldn't be happy with that, but if it works for them, okay.

People also don't have a choice once they have kids. They have to figure out how to deal with the new reality.

I avoid going to Mommypalooza type events for the most part. Why put myself through that? No one likes to be the odd one out. So I try to hang out with friends that have similar interests.

I agree with what someone said above about helping. It does limit the amount of socializing you have to do, and it gives you something to do.

I started taking pictures at my friends' receptions for a while, b/c they were so boring, and it gave me something to do. And, you can hide behind the camera. That might work, too.

I'm sure we've all heard many times the "something was missing" reason. Personally, the only thing I feel is missing in this relationship is a horse, and so if I don't get that, then children are definitely out! (I've even told my husband that if I get a horse I'll give him a child. Considering that we'll never, ever be able to have a horse, I'm pretty safe.)

Smalltowngirl, I just got two baby shower invites in the past two days, so I totally feel where you are coming from!!

I agree with the suggestion of taking pictures. The great thing about that is you seem like you are into it and participating...and dont have to say a word!! This is what I did at the last shower.

I think those that look at us like we are missing out by not having kids are subconsciously afraid that they are missing out by HAVING kids.

Yep I believe this aswell. One friend of my sisters who just started a family at age 39 ( she has 2 under 3 years) she hastles me every bloody time she sees me. Its so rude as we have made it quite clear on several occasions that children are not in our plans.

How does my decision not to have children affect her? Its weird.