BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Will be 30 soon feeling CF pressure

I will be 30 years old this fall and since I was a teen I have know I do not want children. My husband and I have been together since I was 16 and we were married when I was 21 and he was 24. My husbands 33rd b-day was today and although he said he never wanted kids he mentioned to me a year ago that it was really bothering him and thinks we should. I completely flipped out and told him he knew how I felt and he called me selfish!!! I of course told him it was more selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world but told me I was crazy and I told him to read this blog and he said it was a cult!!! I love my husband more than anything in the world and we are so happy, have a great life, great careers, we travel, have great pets. Why would he want to screw that all up?? And it doesn't help that his family is pressuring us too. He hasn't brought anything up in a year now but with his b-day being today I know he is thinking about how he is getting older. This constantly is on the back of my mind everyday and is making me crazy. I even have dreams I have become pregnant and I am crying and then I wake up and say whew it was only a dream. I have absolutely no desire to be responsible for another person the rest of my life and I live with a fear everday that my husband will leave me if I don't have kids.

I just don't know how to convince him I am not selfish and he is for trying to make me do something I dont. I love him way too much to let him go but I don't know what to do. I have talked to a counseler and she had the nerve to ask me if I was abused as a child. I had a great child hood and I guess you have to be really screwed up to not want kids!!

Yikes! Girl, stick to your guns.

He may be feeling the pressure from his family and that's what is bringing all of this up. Let the subject lie - don't bring it up again. If he does, suggest you guys go to some sort of counseling, etc.

Jeepgirl,

That's a tough one. I wish you could clue him in to the reality of what's involved in parenting. If you could, he might change his mind.

Every time you are doing something fun, remind him that you probably would have to give it up if you had kids. Every childed friend I have is basically chained to their child/home.

You are NOT being selfish. Women get stuck doing most of the work around children. So you could argue he is being selfish, because you will likely be the one that gets stuck with all of the domestic labor. Even the best, well meaning guys seems to not be interested in the work that is associated with parenting.

I'm so sorry you are receiving pressure from his family. Do they have grandchildren?

I don't think he is going to leave you over this. It sounds like things are really good with you. And why would he leave a good relationship to start all over, just to have a child. I can see a woman doing that, but I don't think guys are as motivated to have kids.

And I can't tell you how many couples I know personally that have separated/cheated/divorced not long after the little ones come along. They put a lot of stress on the relationship.

You can frame things like you want to focus on your relationship with him, and how is that selfish?

Don't count on it. It happened to me :-( and I know I'm not the first.

This will come up again, and I agree with you that it's likely to be soon. When it does, don't get into it with him but suggest that you'd like to seek counselling. If your relationship is strong he can at least do that for you. As a feeler, talk to some of the people you know (maybe your employer has a program in place?) and seek out a good, OBJECTIVE counsellor that you could see. The last one you saw needs a kick in the pants.

You can talk until you're blue in the face about how tough kids are on a relationship and a life, and it's just noise to somebody who really wants them. And believe it or not, some people do.:-) There are a lot of people who look at kids as a question of logic, and that's fine, but if your SO is feeling this on a biological level rather than just as a response to the "life script" then you really have an issue to deal with. Counselling will help figure out where his reaction is coming from, and then you can go from there.

It's incredibly difficult as someone who had never wanted kids, to even imagine what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the fence, but in this case, you're going to have to exercise some patience and tolerance. I've been there, done that, and I know the stress this will be putting on your relationship. Even unspoken, it's always the elephant in the room. You're right to be worried, and you might be wise to be proactive. I think the applicable quote here is "hope for the best, and prepare for the worst".

I really wish you luck. You're not the one who changed the rules, and being in this situation bites. He is entitled to change his mind and do with his life what he feels is right. But you have to remember there is nothing "wrong" with you. You feel the way you do for a reason, and as tough as it seems, the man who you love enough to wreck your life for, hasn't been born yet...

Hey Jeepgirl,
Perhaps you could read him some of my posts to give him a male viewpoint. Like Pikasam, I have been through a recent breakup. The breakup was not over the kid issue, I got snipped last fall. Like you, I don't want to screw up the lifestyle I enjoy now and plan to enjoy in the future with that special lady by having kids. I can compromise on many things, but being CF isn't one of them. On the internet dating site I use, I automatically hit "remove from search" any woman that wants or has kids. It doesn't matter how pretty she is or how many common interests we would share.

Here are two posts you might want to read him. The first is from poster Lastingone about her boyfriend's niece spending a weekend with them.

Best of Luck staying CF,
Mike

Ahhhh, sigh of relief!

To expound upon this topic, over the weekend my BF and I had his niece over to spend the night. I told my BF before that I'm not a babysitter, but I'll help out as much as I can- the point is, she's your niece, you take care of her! May be a little harsh, but I have explained in other posts that he is a fencesitter and I felt this would be an excellent test for him to make pros/cons notes about childrearing. Needless to say, after having a 7 year old around, he told me he's "gotten kids out of his system" for a very, very long while. She was bossy, inattentive, wanted more of everything, and a non-stop chatterer! Most of the time he was at a loss as to what to do or say.

Yesterday, when we were driving to the stable where I board my horse, we saw a pasture full of young goats. They were bucking, flipping, and playing- it was really cute. My BF told me "Those are the only kids I want! When we tell people we're having kids, we'll just show them our herd of pygmy goats!!"

LOL!

Edited by LastingOne (04/03/07 05:16 PM)


This post from member jmb about sex ought to get his attention.

You might also want to tell hubby about the many negative effects that having a child will have on his sex life:
1) You probably won't WANT to have sex when you are pregnant (and having mood swings, morning sickness, swollen ankles etc.) So he won't get much sex then...
2) When you HAVE a baby... you will be tired, and trying to SLEEP when the baby is not awake. So he won't get much sex then either...
3) When the baby grows into a child... you will have to wait until the child is asleep... and try not to wake them... and worry about them walking in unannounced. So he won't get much sex then either...
and
4) If you have vaginal childbirth... your "stuff" will be all stretched out. You won't be as "tight" for him anymore, and sex won't be as pleasurable for EITHER of you. So, when he DOES get sex it won't be the same... (FYI I got this info from my husband who had children with his first wife)

Maybe he'll listen if you lay out these facts for him. In general, men rank sex right up there with food and sports, as the best/most important things in life, so maybe he'll think again if he realizes what kids will do to his sex life.

Hi Jeepgirl,
So sorry to hear about the pressure you're under. Since my husband is less into having children than me (which has been the opposite problem to yours at certain points), I don't have too much helpful advice. But, if he doesn't get anything out of reading this site, maybe you should direct him to www.truemomconfessions.com.

I used to be on the fence, but reading that site has been scaring the bejeezus out of me. All my worst fears are true for many people. Reading it has taught me that those who say we're missing out, or it's the most magical thing ever in your life, well, they just might be not telling the whole truth. There are so many reasons people aren't willing to admit it if they regret having children. Also, no matter what their experience is, that's their kids. They might have exceptionally wonderful kids, but you never know what kinds of kids you would have. They may have ADD, or autism, or be disabled, or have colic. Be sure to remind your husband about that!

Here are two confessions that just came up on truemomconfessions.com that made me think of your situation:

"I used to have this ideal image of what motherhood would be...now that I'm no one but "Mom", and I do nothing but serve and take care of everyone except for myself, I really regret it."

"I had a child for him even though I didn't want any kids. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had her at all."

"'I'm so jealous that my husband gets to go work and talk to adults. I'm jealous he walks out the door and leaves me here to lead this boring life. I feel unappreciated and lonely. I really hope he realizes I have given myself up for this family."

Good luck Jeepgirl!!

Wait ... this isn't a cult? Damn, I'm in the wrong place ...

Seriously, though, any idea why he suddenly flip-flopped? That seems pretty strange, unless he's going through some early midlife crisis stuff. Do you think he is caving in to his family?

Keep us updated.

Jeepgirl, you are not at all selfish. This is a huge issue for me. I get so angry at men AND women who think that by making this decision we are somehow bad people. I obviously don't know your husband, but him calling you selfish sounds like a line that someone fed him..."oh your wife does not want kids....how selfish"

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. If he brings this up again, encourage him to spend some quality time with a kid...be a Big Brother or something...so that he can truly see what he would be getting into. This will at least give him a reality check. If he loves being around a kid 24-7, you can explore further at that point.

Hang in there

I agree with the comment from JellyFish. My husband too wants a child (but is okay if we do not). However, I know for a fact that if we have a kid, I will be doing 99.999% of the work. He will only be the Disneyland Dad and do the fun stuff while you are slugging loads of laundry and wiping noses. We bought a Hunting Dog, and guess who is taking care of the Hunting Dog and I don't hunt!

Jeepgirl -

I was just Googling for sites in support of women who do not want kids, so that I could find some solace in the fact that increasingly, that's what I've been thinking more and more lately - then, I found this site and this forum, and I had to register when I saw your post. It is unbelievable how similar your situation sounds to mine. My husband and I are high-school sweethearts who even went to the same college, despite being 2 years apart in age. We have lived in 3 states, including MO, which is where we are now. We met when I was 14 and he was 16, married when I was 23 and he was 25, and I am going to be 29 in less than a month, while he just turned 31. We used to both be pretty firm in the decision to "wait and see" on the kids issue. Both of us have gone back a forth a little bit, but in the back of my mind, I think I've always known that getting pregnant, giving birth, and devoting my life to another human may not be for me. He is a teacher and deals with kids every day, and it used to be that he was way against having kids, but ever since he turned 30, he's started to warm to the idea. I think that being around our friends' 1-year-old and being sort of a surrogate uncle to him has helped in that. However, when we go out to eat with our friends and the 1-year-old (soon to be 2) gets out of control, both of us have said that that would be annoying to deal with all the time. However, lately, he's mentioned more about having a kid in the future, and I just don't think I want one. The good thing is, that we've discussed it frankly, and I've told him that I'm not saying that my decision is final, but the way it looks now, I might choose to remain child-free.

I expressed my fear/anxiety over this to him, saying that I was afraid I'd be letting him down if he really wants a child, but he has reassured me that he loves me and just me, and what I decide will be ok with him. There's still a part of me that feels I will be letting him down, however, I have to think about my happiness, as well as the stress level and enjoyment I wish to maintain in my life. It may be selfish, but my philosophy is that I will not bring a child into this world unless I am fully dedicated to being that child's mother 100% and no less. I think that more people should think that way.

We have 6 cats and are very happy with them in the house we bought 2 years ago. We love to just go and do whatever we feel like whenever we feel like it. We missed our cats (there were only 4 of them at the time) terribly last June when we traveled to Jamaica for our 5-year wedding anniversary, and it was kind of a hassle getting someone to watch them and care for them like we needed them to, but luckily we had someone to do so. I am just thinking now that any time we have a health issue or stressful problem with our cats - that same type of situation with a human child would be multiplied tenfold in terms of stress and anxiety. The sadness we felt when we lost our dear sweet cat, Leo, last August to kidney failure suddenly was monumental and we still miss him terribly - he was wonderful. We decided to adopt another cat after that, which turned into the 3 newbies that we added to the remaining 3 at the time. At no point during this last few months have I wished for anything but cats.

Friends/family are constantly asking when we'll have a baby, and I am getting increasingly irritated by those questions. I really feel like it's none of their business what we decide to do. I have talked with my mom and dad on the subject, and though I think that they would welcome a grandchild (me being the only girl and the only married one makes me think I might be their only hope at this point), they do not feel that they have to have one to be fulfilled in this life. My mom has said that she doesn't really envy people who end up keeping their grandkids for a week or when their children want to get away, etc. I wish this could be said for my in-laws, who, despite having tons of grandchildren already, seem to really desire for my husband and I to have one - like it would be just the golden child or something. I have felt pressure from that side of the family for a while now. It seems like formerly child-free friends/family are now becoming pregnant/having babies all the time, and since we have moved from where we went to high school and college, our friends are long-distance anyway. We really need to find a group of friends that is child-free and nearby so that we can get out and do the socializing we once did....

OK, I've vented long enough - I love that I have already found a place to go and voice my feelings on this subject. Be strong, Jeepgirl, and I wish you the best of luck in getting through your situation with your husband and come out of it healthier and happier than ever in your relationship.