BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence What Point Does Verbal Abuse Become Verbal Abuse?

Mandi, yes abusers can change but it is rare. You are very blessed to have him changing for the better! Thanks for the update on the situation. Congrats on the pregnancy!! Let us know how things go! It is always great to hear a success!

The thing is, if you read "The verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, you find that those wonderful high points where he is nice and everything are actually part of the cycle of verbal abuse because they make you think he his trying, is better, etc, and when he "loses control" again it is so much worse than before because of the break. It is all control.

Most women don't leave a 7 year relationship on a whim, you are probably starting to see many of the same things that drove his ex away. It's how the cycles work. My mom left my dad after being married 6 years. His second wife called my mom 4 years later and said all the time she was married to him she thought my mom was the b from hell, but now realizes it was all a lie. My ex played the same game, he painted his ex-gf as a habitual cheater, abuser, etc, but as soon as he leaves me for her, guess who is the habitual cheater, abuser, etc? Me.

After I left my ex the last time, when we got back together I was put in the position of constantly trying to prove that I wouldn't leave again. Never mind why I left, obviolusly I was wrong, right? As I continued to promise, he continued to treat me bad, and I took it, and worse because I promised I wouldn't leave. But in the end, the verbal met the physical abuse and the betayal became so bad that I broke my promise. And according to him, it was all my fault anyway.

Good luck. Remember, anger management can't cure an abuser because their problem is their THINKING and CONTROL not anger. They need an abusers program if they want to have a chance to change.

Dez

Dez, You've got a good grip on what's happening and have potential to be a huge success story. Stay strong. If your heart tries to take over, it's easy to forget everything you know and emotions don't make great decisions. Abusers are such great actors and I think our hearts really want it to be true. Abuse is a deal breaker. The only promises you need to worry about are the ones you've made to yourself and your kids. When you're ready, you should think about becoming an abuse advocate. You'd be good at it!

I agree that being overly excited about him overcoming his anger and abuse overnight is too short-sighted. But this has been months of progress, therapy, and just plain happiness. Happiness I have never felt before. If it were a week, I'd understand the cries for me to leave him but his amazing changes has made me realize how much I do love this man and how he will change for me in order to make me happy. Perhaps he was not over the abuse from his former wife (which his family told me he was really abused by her) and thought that another woman would do the same to him. I honestly did not believe in miracles until this situation began to take a turn for the better. In all that anger, I found a soulmate...who would have thought that one? He comes home smiling and when I am sad, he makes sure to put a smile on my face. Now, that was love is supposed to be like. I thank God every day for me not giving up on this relationship.

It is possible for him to change if he really wants to and is dedicated to it. Just watch for the signs, if he gets irritated do you back down a bit? If he gets too angry about something, does he blame something/one other than himself for it? If he does change, great for you and more power to him.

Only...a few months is nothing to an abuser. My ex could go 4, 6 months after swearing he would never hurt me again to his blow-up. So much the worse for the long furlough. Some people thing that if he hasn't sparked in a couple weeks the bad times are over, but abusers know about damage control too, and they use it to their advantage. They can realize they pushed us too far that last time and are on the "honeymoon" much longer than before. But when it starts again, the cyclone starts all over again.

Good luck, and here's hoping you're one of the lucky few.

Dez

Mandicake - I am going to tell you a story, and it's up to you what you get from it.

I have an aunt who was married to my step-dad's brother. The whole family hated her. She was abusive, mean, controlling. She was mean to his daughter and we heard terrible stories about what she did. My parents took this cousin in when she was 13 and her parents lived in Germany (my uncle is air force). At 16 my cousin is diagnosed with Hodgekins Disease and they move from Germany to live by us and take care of my cousin.

We all knew we would hate my aunt, and we weren't disapointed. My uncle was charming and my aunt frazzled. But you know what happened? As we got to know her and her two boys, we started seeing a different picture. We saw a woman who wasn't allowed to use the checkbook, who wasn't allowed to open the family mail, who was constantly berated for being overweight (she really wasn't). And then one day the older of the two boys came to my little sister and, very embarrased, showed her a bruise on his rib and asked how long should it be there? It had been there 2 weeks he said, from when his dad kicked him.

After awhile it was clear it was my uncle, not his wife, who was the abuser. But only we saw it. The whole rest of my step-dads family didn't see it. My mom and I helped my aunt leave him, helped her write her court rebuttals. It was a long and drawn out 2.5 year battle for custody that she eventually won, but literally by the skin of her teeth, and without our help she would have been lost.

This man berated, controlled and belittled her until she almost believed him. He kicked his son in the ribs, grabbed him by the neck and threw him against walls. It was all documented. But his family (except my step-dad) still think she was the abuser. If you talk to any one of them they will tell you how terrible she is. But if you talk to me, my dad, or my mom, or even my sister, you would hear a different story.

The moral: Remember that your husbands family don't know him as the man you do. Or his ex's did. To them he is a brother, a son. And you can bet that they will see him in a better light, because its hard to look at your brother and know what he really is.

Dez

*Edited by Jeanette*

If you are going to attack someone, do it in private messages.

Hi,
Since he keeps going off on people in public someone may want to fight with him. Or someone is going to call the police on him. He could get arrested for this uncontrolled, crazy behavior. I would not try to have children with him. I mean if you choose to put up with this, that is 1 thing. But it is not fair to bring kids into this. He may be wonderful around kids because they belong to others. But that could change if you 2 have them.

This is his problem to fix, not yours. You can give all the support that you want. But he is the only 1 who can change this terrible anger with professional help. He sounds very controlling. Most of us had many past hurts & worse, but that gives no one the right or excuse to go off on people like that. To me you seem to make alot of excuses for his behavior. The law may force him to sit in jail to think about it. He may also go off on another person who has anger issues. They may just beat him up real bad. You never know who you are dealing with in public.

I live in Chicago too like Smallbutstrong (above post)& you never know who you may encounter. He may meet his match if he does not do something about his problem. Good luck & look out for yourself. Judy K. Chicago.