BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Weekend with my family (aka "I am so lucky")- LONG

I just got back from spending a weekend with my parents, sister, BIL and two nieces. I had a wonderful time playing with them, but am also glad to get home to my quiet house.

While I was there I got "the question" twice, but the situation went incredibly well both times (bear in mind my fam knows we're leaning strongly towards CF). The first one was from BIL and was the "when are you" question. Sister answered for me. "When h*ll freezes over, right?" (looking at me- not sarcastically, but supportively).

The second question came from my dad, and it was the "doesn't spending time with the girls make you want kids?" question... this time I answered with something from a previous thread in this forum- "I have a 10-year-old cat and a 34-year-old husband; I think that's enough". And then my mom jumped all over him for asking something inappropriate.

I find it rather interesting that it's the men in the family who ask. Maybe it's because my mom and sister have more of an awareness of the rudeness of the questions? Or maybe because the ladies are more familiar with how much work childrearing actually is? Don't know. But I was glad they defended me.

It was a great trip for another reason as well. I had a VERY bad case of baby rabies after hearing from not one, but TWO friends that they were PG. On the same day. One wanted to be, one didn't. The irony and the contrast really threw me for a loop, hit me at the core, and had me questioning CF-dom. While I thoroughly enjoyed being with my nieces for the weekend, I think I'm cured.
Fortunately DH bore with me while I went through this.

So anyway, long story, but I feel very at peace today, and I haven't for a while. Thanks for listening to me babble on.

That is really strange that the men in your family would be the ones to ask the rude questions. Men usually (I thought) were the last ones to care if women had children or not. I guess I really don't know men like I thought. But, I am glad the women in your family were very supportive. But, you know it's good that you were able to experience all of the different perspectives within that one weekend.

It's nice to be supported by the females in your life. I recently broke up with my long term SO after he decided that he wanted to have kids (after 3 1/2 years of officially "not discussing it"). My mother was telling her sister about it, and her response was "what the hell is wrong with the girl? If the relationship's that good, why doesn't she just have kids and be done with it?". My mother would have been CF if she'd lived in a different time with different choices, and she was pretty quick to go in swinging. My father was highly amused telling me about it, he likes seeing my mother with her Irish up, as long as it's not directed at him!

I think you're right, there are a lot of women out there who would have made different choices had they known what they were getting into, and those that know are far less quick to judge. I read somewhere that someone did a survey of parents and asked them if they'd do it again, knowing what they know now - and 50% of them said no.

It is strange that the guys in your family seem to take such an interest. Maybe on some subconscious level, they feel that you should be barefoot and in the kitchen? :-) Or that your DH is "less of a man" because he's hasn't managed to "get laid and make a baby ..." - like babymaking is some kind of contest ...

I totally agree that having a baby is a testosterone moment for men. They pass out cigars, for crying out loud, which are an obvious phallic symbol.

I've thought this for a long time. It's like, my package works, I'm a man now.

And then they proceed to do nothing toward raising the child.

Or, they brag about having a child that they see like twice a year, that they barely have a relationship with.

I get REALLY mad when men talk about parenting b/c it's so different for them. My DH2B has a gay uncle, and his partner is always trying to defend childrearing to me. And it's annoying, because he wants me to be sensitive to his plight as a gay man.

But then on some level, I think he wants me to be put in my place with a baby. You wouldn't think a gay man would be sexist, but I think there is a bit of that.

I get furious when he goes on about how wonderful it is. It must have been wonderful for him, because he lived with his parents until he was 38! I guess that might be why he defends it, because his Mom was so good to him or something.

Sorry to hear you broke up with your guy. No offense, but I think your aunt is so wrong about that!

I wonder how many women do that, have kids they don't want to keep a guy? What a BAD idea.

It's not like you are going to see a movie you don't want to see, you would be signing up for 20 years of domestic labor and aggravation AKA parenting.

It's a shame to lose a good guy, but you can't lose yourself in the process of keeping him either. And there's no guarantee that the relationship wouldn't go south anyway, if you had had a baby.

I was reading somewhere that statistics show men cheat on their wives for the first time when they are pregnant. It makes sense, but it's pretty disturbing to hear!

I was just gobsmacked that people I know actually think like that :-) I don't feel so bad for her now though ... I know her daughter (my cousin) doesn't want kids (I'm pretty sure she hasn't enlightened her mother yet though!) and her son is married to a girl who just underwent major surgery for endometriosis, and they're holding their breath as to whether she can have kids now either.

As for the man, you're totally right. As much as it was sad to lose him, and for a little while really made me question my stand, I know in my heart that having a baby with him or anyone else, would be the worst possible thing I could do for myself. I'd hate the baby, and I'd hate him, so this is the best solution all around. Althought the fact that he registered on Lavalife and under "wants kids" put "undecided" ticked me off more than a little ... I hate liars... and to start off a relationship with someone new under a false pretence like that is asking for trouble ...

My dad has insecurity issues, and almost every time we're together he'll say something like "I didn't do too bad a job with you girls, did I?"

I just want to slap him and say "And what exactly did you do with us?" I saw him once a week when I was a kid and all we did was watch wrestling. My older sister HATED him, and used to cry when she had to spend time with us (1/2 the week.)

He was not involved in our lives until we were practically adults. But he still doesn't pick up the phone to call me, but he bitches that I never call him or see him. He forgets my birthday almost every year.

I do have to give him credit, though, for trying. I really appreciate presents that he gives me, even if they aren't something I'd ever like or are corny (every year I get a giant jar of pickles that I throw away.) He does a lot of work on our houses, and I don't think he understands that we don't have him do work for us to take advantage of him. It's the only way we've ever been able to relate to him and have a relationship with him. I look forward to working on projects with him.

Sorry, got off on a tangent. I needed a little therapy there.

p.s. Sorry I talk about myself so much, too. I'm not totally self-absorbed - I like to share because I like to relate to people and find things that we have in common, or maybe some of my experiences make other people feel like they're not alone. Definitely I love to read long posts and hear about everyone's experiences.

p.p.s. Sorry for apologizing.

p.p.p.s. The persons in charge of those credits have been sacked.

p.p.p.p.s. The persons in charge of sacking those people have now been sacked.

Python fans are everywhere...8^)

Indeed, indeed.

It's so nice to be understood! Usually I just get blank stares ... I like you all more and more every day!