BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids less confused , and other thoughts

It has been many weeks since i posted, and i appreciated all the responses to my post about being undecided and confused. I thought today would be a good day to post... I feel like I have gotten to know some of you (been lurking on the site reading quite often). It has been wonderful to hear others articulate some of the very things i have thought so often. I am not ready to commit yet to being CF, but i think that is the direction DH and i are headed. (By the way, what exactly does DH stand for? Dumb Husband? Dear Husband?)You would think many many clear "i dont want kids, never wanted them" from DH would be enough to keep me permanantly on one side of the fence, but alas, I'm a moron . I'm also thoroughly irritated at myself by the fact that were DH to change his mind and get all mushy and lovey dovey about wanting to have kids with me, I might be easily influenced (so it is a damn good thing that probably wont happen - b/c we'd all probably be miserable!). I feel that even if the actual decision has been made, i still am processing it and am so glad you folks are all out there. As i had written before, all of my reasons for wanting them felt wrong and selfish, and I am so heartened by the articles and studies that people have shared, esp. about kids not being the key to hapiness (duh!). What is hard for me is that i have the tiniest family, but I know that I need to build my own networks and nuture myself and my interests and my family of 3 (DH, me and the cat) and there ARE people out there who understand that it is not necessarily a genetic bond that makes you a family, close, loyal, caring etc. I also find it sort of annoying that this forum is in the relationships section, not the family section!!!
I do think that adopting later in life, and perhpas an older child, is an avenue that i want to keep open, and for what i think are the right reasons. Anyway, there is so much more i look forward to posting in the future, esp. about moms at work -- the ones i work with give woman such a bad name. And of course more on the inner conflict that is still driving me nuts...
One more thing tho -- the idea that someone expressed about WANTING to want them really hit the nail on the head for me, and with DH it took a new twist - when DH has told me that he does not ever even have any pangs now and then about how great it would be to have kids with ME it made me sad, and then i realized how much cultural baggage there was with that -- I wanted HIM to want them with ME bc it would be such an easy way to feel loved and validated in our crazy world. I realized how much more special the unique and amazing ways he shows his love for me are and how i would be an idiot not to see that, and that i should be thankful for his honsety.

Hi Rabbitt!

Thanks for your post. It is so nice to know that there are others who enjoy reading all the contributions on this forum--and that the input also helps crystallize the childfree/not childfree position. I feel as you do that it is indeed a process and the support of the folks on this forum is important.

To piggy back on your comments...I think the CF decision between two people in a couple should ideally be a joint decision, but sometimes, one may feel more strongly about it than the other (I vacillate sometimes between thinking about having a baby to not wanting children. Most of the time, I don't want them. My husband indicates that he would never try to convince me otherwise whatever I decide. He's a bit ambivalent.) It is difficult to process but if you love and respect each other and you keep continually communicating, then I feel a mutual position (CF or not) can be worked out.

I like the articles people share also. I send them to my childfree (so far) younger sister who finds them as pertinent and interesting as I do.

Good luck!

Alison

Rabbitt, a nice way of thinking about the fact that your husband does not think about great it would be to have kids with YOU is that he enjoys being with you so much, he feels no desire to change things.

I am the woman who once a month has this desire to WANT kids. Different of course than actually wanting the kids! My husband does not really understand this. I think it is because societal expectations are different for men. Of the two of us, I am typically more likely to ignore societal expectations. With the issue of having children, society and biology (at least hormones)the opposite is true.

I understand your feelings about your husband not having thoughts of children with you. We are socialized to believe that "making a baby" is the ultimate act of love. Yet we know that babies result from sex...not love. Sure love is a factor in some, but certainly not all. A husband's or wife's love for the other is displayed in their actions toward their partner...not in whether they decide to be a parent.

And i had the same thought about this forum not being under family!!

As many times as I have come to this forum, I always stop scrolling when I see "Family." I have to remind myself everytime that we aren't in that catagory...

Chaco,

Regarding this happening once a month -- I am absolutely convinced that when the "i want kids" feeling hits me it is when i am actually most fertile -- i'm sort of informally jotting this down when it happens and every now and then comparing it with my cycle -- and i HAVE noticed a correlation that is a little too high to be a coincidence. Biology and evolution are quite amazing... but, I dont have to be a slave to them if i dont want

I saw my nephew tonight and it reminded me about how much I love being with him for short periods of time. I love the little squirt so much, but I just don't want one.

I also feel the "wanting to WANT kids" thing, especially when I'm around him. But, more than that, I want to do things like think of names.

I don't know why I feel this urge. I don't feel an urge to buy toys or clothes or do any of those other things, but the thing that makes me sad is that I will never name a child. What a DUMB thing to want!

Whenever I see my husband with kids I also start to want to want them. But again, it's only for the Kodak moments.

I think that's one reason I love my nephew SOOOO much. Because I can get all the Kodak moments with him (he adores me) and not worry about all that other [censored].

I think CF couples *are* families- they just don't include any children.

I also get the baby rabies once in a while, with a really bad case just over. But I always do get over it. Once of the nice things about being a human is the ability to rise above the hormones and evolutionary drive to procreate. I know that when I get baby rabies it's definitely about these basic instincts.

Oh, and rabbitt- The "H" in DH always stands for "husband" but the "D" can stand for just about anything, depending on how you're feeling toward him at that moment.

I am so glad I read this thread. I am also confused on whether to be CF or not. I am 30 and so is my husband. He adores children and is great when he is around them. His face completely lights up. I always thought we would have a child some day, but I never had that urge or desire to go ahead and do it. I knew if it happened, it would have to be an accident. Well, a year ago, it happened. That was when I became a wreck thinking a child would end my life. I miscarried at 6 weeks. Suddenly, I wanted it back more than anything. I even felt like something was missing in my life and I was a bit bored with it being just the two of us and several pets. Two months later, however, I went back to not wanting them. Now, a year later, here I am. My DH really wants children, but I am not so sure anymore. He too says he will not try to convince me either way and that the decision is all mine (why do I hate that?). Anyway, like most of you, I too find that maybe once a month I start to have the desire to have them. Then, a few days later I break down crying because I think I don't want them, but at the same time, I do not want to deny my DH the chance to have his own child. I also think about wanting to Name one, and also shopping for some of those cute maternity outfits, but when i think of having a child in my house 24/7. Another talking human being, I freak out.

I am just glad to know others get the baby rabies...of course, my situation may be a bit different since I will always think I will be miserable with a child, yet at the same time, I have been miserable for a year thinking that I am denying my husband something he really wants. So, I lose either way. lol.

If I had never got pregnant, I think I would still feel that it will happen someday, but now I feel I have to decide one way or the other, and I really don't know what to do. This is the biggest and hardest decision I ever had to make. All others (college, marraige, moving, etc) have ways to get out of them. Having a child, however, is for life.

That's where pets can be good. You can give them names. Even if it's something as low-maintenance as a fish. I didn't get to name my first two dogs, they came with names. But I named our last one, "Bentley". He's an Australian Cattle Dog, with a small white patch on the top of his head. I found out that patch is called a "Bentley mark" and I thought that was a nice name for him, so it stuck. Of course, my husband calls all the dogs silly names, so he calls him everything BUT Bentley! At least with animals, you don't have to worry about the other animals making fun of their names like kids do with other kids.

Cindy

I like the idea of naming someone, too. I have some really cool names that I will one day use for a fish or something.

I've heard of people naming their cars, too. That's kind of cool.

I get Kodak moments with my nephew, too. And I don't think he would be as crazy about me if I was his Mom. That's another thing that turns me off to parenting. The Mom has to be the disciplinarian, at least part of the time.

I always get to be fun Aunt. And he's only the nephew, so he gets tons of attention from me. He loves it. I wouldn't have it any other way.