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Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: Kat Wilder] #313534
05/15/07 12:34 PM
05/15/07 12:34 PM
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Canada
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MomsPaula Offline
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Shame and fear drive a large portion of the world. Moms need support or confidence to get past the tough times. I think the more self-centered we are the tougher it can be.

The past generation stigmatized single parents, and poor parents. Let's hope those times are passing.

Kat, I apologize for being sharp in my reaction to your post. I was interested until I discovered it was an advertisement. Then, all I could hear was insincerity. One of my pet-peeves, as there is too much of that going around

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: MomsPaula] #313581
05/15/07 04:47 PM
05/15/07 04:47 PM
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Marin County, California
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Kat Wilder Offline OP
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Kat Wilder  Offline OP
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Hey, MomsPaula,
Thank you apologizing but no need.
I think moms and dads need support � we just don't get that nowadays, so we need to make it happen in our own circle of friends.

Part of what I find disturbing about that "I Was A Good Mother ..." book is that moms feel that they have to have a "front" of happiness and perfection. Gimme real any day, and then let's all work together to support each other and find solution.

And, we need to let go of a lot of our expectations of happiness. We need to create our own, and then share it with our partner, kids and friends.
Good lord � can you tell I've had my coffee today?
Yikes!

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: Kat Wilder] #313612
05/15/07 06:38 PM
05/15/07 06:38 PM
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There is a statement in the bible that helped me in the "early" years. I can't quote, but the jest is, before you find fault with the way others behave, fix your own problems, then help others. My husband was lucky to have married a girl with a lot of problems! The thing about it is that while working on your problems, you get perspective, insight, understanding, empathy. And you help yourself in the process.

The URL I added to a post above was to a review of Brene Brown's "I Thought It Was Just Me. Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame." From her perspective it's not just mothers or women, but all people are presently suffering within an epidemic of shame. From how we deal with others, how open we dare be, what we allow ourselves to do, wear, or must own is weighted against our shame. She says disconnection is a major culprit, and true connection, resilience, and empathy are a good deal of the answer. We need to learn, and teach or kids that we all battle the, "not good enoughs."

But, I agree the early mom thing is a tough one, and messed up.
I think a prenatal class on communicating with kids; for example, how to distract instead of reasoning with a whiny toddler, solid useable info would go a long way.

In our market driven society, happiness is an obscure term. But, we need it and the active pursuit of peace!!!

I am sick; thanks to my son. Sitting is the most I can deal with.

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: MomsPaula] #313717
05/16/07 12:17 AM
05/16/07 12:17 AM
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Lake Lanier, Georgia
Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
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Lake Lanier, Georgia
Quote:
My youngst child (beautiful/healthy) fell stifly backward and had a seizure last month. The doctor's are calling it a mystery. We have to make it through the next 18 months without another to feel it's over.


Quote:
My youngst child (beautiful/healthy) fell stifly backward and had a seizure last month. The doctor's are calling it a mystery. We have to make it through the next 18 months without another to feel it's over.


Are these two things related? How is your son doing and do they have any more clue about what is going on?

I vowed when Seth(4) was born that I wasn't going to rush through any stage and enjoy everything - because he was going to be my last... that lasted through the first year, LOL!

Seriously, I did very well with enjoying him when he was a baby, and taking time to cuddle, and not wishing away the days. But now that he is in the potty training & tantrum phase - I find myslef wishing for it to speed up again! Although the other night he crawled up into my bed with me, and snuggled up next to me, and I spent about an hour just combing hs hair with my fingers. Everytime I tried to stop he would grab my hand and put it back on his head! laugh


Michelle Taylor
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Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: Chelle - Marriage Editor] #313880
05/16/07 11:03 AM
05/16/07 11:03 AM
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Yeah, that's the memory stuff. The tantrums, I think we should rush through!

Falling stiff is part of a seizure. He landed on his head. Of course, I started to get after him for clowning around. The doc. calls the seizure a mystery. A horrible thing to watch your child go through. Having a child with Epilepsy must be tough. Hoping I don't!

I've been thinking a lot about what you have to face. I think I would need him near by for a year or two. Any chance you can swing it.

I am drenched in sweat. My sweet son gave me a virus.

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: MomsPaula] #313894
05/16/07 12:08 PM
05/16/07 12:08 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 977
Central Florida
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As a parent who learned the hard way that I wanted to be home with my child, I can tell you that I love being a full-time mom. I was very career-oriented and couldn't see past that, even when I got pregnant.

I researched local daycares and felt good about the one I chose. However, when I dropped him off that first week, something didn't feel right. Sure, I loved my job. Sure, I had big plans, but leaving him there went against my mommy gut.

The urge to raise him myself (he was at daycare from 8 to 5 each day as an infant) was too strong to ignore. I was miserable, probably because I love kids so much. I mean, that's why I went into teaching! So here I was spending all day with other people's children while my own baby was cared for by strangers...

I quit my job at the end of the year and pulled him out of daycare at 15 months. I would have quit sooner but I felt obligated to finish the year..

I worked as a private tutor to help us make the transition to one income and learned how to be more frugal. I quit tutoring completely when I had my second child and didn't do any "work" until she was about a year old and I had the itch to get going again.

This time, I knew I wanted to write. I loved the flexibility writers had and was luckily enough to notice that the Natural Living site (my passion) here at Bella was available one night when I was surfing. Since then, I've gotten my first article published in a homeschooling magazine, launched my own personal website (janzeiger.com), and started writing regularly for pay at Suite 101.

I'm currently working on my first book which is a guide for homeschooling parents in my area. I've also got my eye on several magazines I'd like to write for eventually including Family Fun and Mothering. In the back of my mind, I'm mulling over the idea of becoming a certified lactation consultant, but I know there's too much on my plate at the moment. In addition to my writing, I've started my own Homeschool Consulting biz called A Love for Learning Homeschool Consulting and just started doing phone consultations and personalized information packets. I do homeschool evaluations locally, so this is my busy time of year smile I'd also like to get another master's someday--but this time in natural health. smile I even just started my own website for "green" resources in the Orlando area and am working hard to promote that. And to top it all off, I'm a distributor for Juice Plus and Usborne Books!

Why am I sharing all of this?? Because I think it's important to acknowledge that it's not a black and white issue. The internet has made it so even moms who want to be home with their children (and maybe even homeschool) CAN work from home. smile I do a little here and there when they're awake, but for the most part, I work after they're asleep at night. I love the flexibility. I have several things going on and will stick with what's the most rewarding personally and lucrative. I hope to eventually replace my teaching income with everything I do from home, but I know that probably will take years to accomplish. I'm okay with that because I'm educating my kids and living life to the fullest. I dropped out of the "rat race" when I quit and we're no longer worried about keeping up with the family next door.

While I'm a bit of a workaholic (lol), my point is that moms who stay home with their kids no longer have to "just" stay home. It's already a full-time job, but some moms may want or need more.

I need to express myself. I need to feel like I'm making a difference in the bigger picture in addition to making a difference in my children's lives. I also feel driven to bring in an income for multiple reasons, with one being that I want to be able to travel more often with my family. I also want to bring in an income so if something happened to my husband, I would have to put them in school and go back to teaching.

As for connecting with other moms, I make it a point to go out once a week. I know many moms who get out less than once a month, so I can understand why so many get burned out. My hubby knows Wednesday night is my special time and that, even if none of my friends can attend, I'm going to the bookstore for coffee. Usually it's a group of 3 or 4 moms and we often close the place down. smile Sometimes we even leave the bookstore at 11 and go to an all night diner to continue the conversation! I think connecting with and listening to other adults is important--especially when you're with kids most of the time. smile

In addition to my coffee night, I'm also a member at the YMCA and often go to workout with mommy friends. Our kids are happy playing in the childcare center while we get to workout AND catch up. smile I joined to lost weight, having no idea how good it would be for my mental health!!

I have found in MY experience with local full-time moms that the ones who aren't happy simply aren't finding time for themselves. Some will even go back to work because they feel lacking in some way, while others (like me) will figure out what to do from home to meet that need for intellectual stimulation and grown up conversation! smile

Sure, I'm busy, but it's a good kind of busy because my schedule is so flexible and kid-friendly.

I really do feel like I have it all. All I need now is a housekeeper.

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: JanZeiger] #313912
05/16/07 01:21 PM
05/16/07 01:21 PM
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Central Florida
JanZeiger Offline
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hey, look. I turned this post into a blog!

BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: JanZeiger] #313961
05/16/07 04:26 PM
05/16/07 04:26 PM
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Marin County, California
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Kat Wilder Offline OP
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Hi Jan,
Thanks for sharing, and congrats on making it work!
I, too, worked part-time from home until the divorce sent me back out into the real world.

But what you wrote � I have found in MY experience with local full-time moms that the ones who aren't happy simply aren't finding time for themselves. � is absolutely true! Women HAVE to do that, and they HAVE to make time for their husbands minus the kids. I wrote a column on that atBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: Kat Wilder] #313992
05/16/07 05:25 PM
05/16/07 05:25 PM
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I agree Jan, 100% (written on this many times, too, he-he)

However, what can be a clear series of dots to you are totally obscure to another. Environment, economics, education, average mental health issues (confidence, assertiveness, etc.) all factor. This issue is much more complex than just taking charge. Although, taking charge maybe needs to be what is a prescribed norm. So, people would be embarrassed
"not" to try. Harsh? Anyway, we are at a point where radical lifestyle changes are possible and do occur often.

Jan, I am posed with a decision of drugging a child the doc. calls ADD inattentive. She is attacking my character for choosing not to use drugs. I understand each case in unique, but, do you think kids stand as good a chance of surviving school by merely providing extra help? This is a LOT of pressure!

Re: Why are so many moms ambivalent? [Re: MomsPaula] #314018
05/16/07 06:26 PM
05/16/07 06:26 PM
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Central Florida
JanZeiger Offline
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I don't want to be flamed so I'll ask those who aren't open-minded to just ignore this message. I'm totally anti-drug and anti-ADHD.

Please check out the ADD section of my blog for resources:

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