Duane and myself met in 2000.After a couple of years together I knew I was ready to start a family. The one thing I had dreamed about all my life. Being on the pill a long time I naturally thought it might take a while to become pregnant. After waiting a while for the all clear from my gyno after some abnormal cells we were ready to start trying .I was aged 25 Duane 28.
What a surprise 2 weeks after trying I was pregnant. We couldnï¿½t believe it could happen so quickly. Only telling our parents and a couple of close friends by about 6 weeks as I couldnï¿½t contain our excitement. Our appointment was made with our gyno
And by this time I was 11 weeks pregnant. Having the first ultrasound was so exciting but short lived after he told us Iï¿½m sorry but there is no heartbeat. The devastation we felt was unbelievable. We then lived in the country about a 40 minute drive away from town and we were in separate cars as Duane had come in from work. That was the most devastating drive home Iï¿½ve ever had to endure. I cried and cried. I was trying so hard to be strong thinking a lot of people have had this happen to them focus on next time but it was just so hurtful. I was booked in for a D&C a couple of days later. Going back to work was hard as my friend I worked with was a couple weeks ahead in her pregnancy from where I was. I was very happy for her but very envious at the same time. My family, friends and my caring husband were a very good support to me. I found it hardest to deal with when the people I wasnï¿½t as close with but were still good friends tip toed around me. Not there fault of course everyone responds differently to situations. I was very good about talking about my situation it made me feel more comfortable if the people I was close to knew what was going on and I didnï¿½t feel like I was hiding things, which then I wouldnï¿½t get the look of sorrow from everyone which made me tear up instantly. So at work the girls all knew what was going on so it made it less pressure to be on top of things all the time.
Second time round about 2 months later pregnant again instantly. For sure this little bub will be okay. That excitement of being pregnant is now a bit of a numb feeling. Donï¿½t want to get excited just in case but deep down I think we both thought this one would be okay.
9 weeks in for the ultrasound what a nervous day. Stay positive stay positive is all I can think. Duane is the positive one Iï¿½m the one that doesnï¿½t like to get my hopes up to much just in case.
Well we had disappointment again. No heartbeat. That shattered feeling hit us again. Why us we longed for children so badly why is everything going so wrong.
Our gyno told us sometimes this just happens but you have no problem getting pregnant so just keep going. I had another D&C.
Third time around a couple of months later pregnant again straight away. Didnï¿½t really have heaps of symptoms except breast tenderness. Definitely not much excitement as we didnï¿½t want to get our hopes up to high. In for ultrasound at 8 weeks roughly again no heartbeat but a blighted ovum he told us. My body my wearing out how many times can this happen. In for another D&C. Shattered again I think Iï¿½ve started to go numb as a person. Iï¿½ve started putting on a bit of weight but I still try and pull myself back together and do my big walks. Iï¿½m back at work feeling sad but o.k. and I have some severe pelvic pain for about 1 hour tell the girls I donï¿½t know whatï¿½s going on. Then I have large chunks starting to fall out of me while Iï¿½m working in the pharmacy
I thought my insides were falling out. I get the girls from work to call the gyno he doesnï¿½t work Fridays so I called his emergency one. I was crying uncontrollably not knowing what was going on. Duane picked me up and rushed me into her rooms. Apparently I had an infection after having the D&C so strong antibiotics were giving to me and I was okay. I was just so frightened because I didnï¿½t know what was going on.
So on the mend again now trying to get back into the swing of things again. Lots of ups and downs with the way I feel. My best friend Bec has been a great shoulder to cry on being very supportive and always theyï¿½re for me to talk to about all the nitty gritty stuff. By now Iï¿½ve had to watch all my closest friends have their own kids which is a beautiful thing but also very hard. I in no way feel anger or anything like that towards them but I definitely feel envious and wish it were I. Bec was the easiest pregnancy to handle because we are so open together about my situation so there is no awkwardness there at all.
Speaking to my gyno we are starting to get frustrated at nothing being done to find out whatï¿½s wrong with all these pregnancies. If only I had the Internet then I might have had a bit more knowledge up my sleeve. I asked if I should do I.V.F numerous times as I know a bit more testing goes on but I was always told no you cant do I.V.F Belinda you fall pregnant.
So anyway gyno has arranged for all the bloods to be taken 6 in all. Every test came back normal. I said what else could you do. He said I could do chromosome testing on both myself and Duane and additional blood tests at Royal Womenï¿½s Hospital. Okay we will do them anything to find out what is wrong.
All tests came back normal. I donï¿½t know if you feel more disappointment that they found nothing or happiness that everythingï¿½s okay. Frustration at not knowing.
Trying again and pregnant straight away. This one feels different I tell Duane. I reckon this is going to be the one. Iï¿½m nearly being sick and having a lot more symptoms this time. Iï¿½m actually a little excited. Went in for my ultrasound at about 6 or 7 weeks I think, again the unthinkable happens no heartbeat. I said I thought this one was going to be okay. My gyno said my levels were a lot higher this time thatï¿½s why I had more symptoms. Again in for another D&C. Iï¿½m starting to recognise everyone in the hospital.
Iï¿½ve had enough Iï¿½m worn out I want something done. I get a referral to see Prof. Gab Kovacs at Monash I.V.F. We go to see him not for I.V.F at this stage just for recurrent miscarriage. Itï¿½s great to see a fresh face and here some different things. He told us to start trying and when I get to a couple of weeks come in and have a blood test.
In the mean time we have moved house back to town. I have changed jobs to accounting. I just wanted change. When I started the new job I wasnï¿½t well from day 1. I thought I just had colds caught from working with such a large group of women. I was really sick all that year the pressure in my sinuses was so bad that I couldnï¿½t walk up 4 steps when it was at itï¿½s worst and at the same time I was pretty sure I was having a natural miscarriage a very early one (approx 2-3 weeks). So I thought the dizziness was coming from that. A boss from work drove me home. I was a wreck I slept all the time. Everyone thought I had depression but I knew there was something wrong. They probably thought I was a bit weird at work as I could barely function. But I always tried my hardest to pretend I was okay. I had started having days of every month due to how bad my periods had got. It was to the stage I didnï¿½t know if I was having a miscarriage or if it was my period. Nothing would get rid of the pain nurofen plus being the tablet I took or some panadeine. I cramped for hours at a time and when finished I would pass lots of large clots the size of golf balls. Yuk I know.
I was at my local GP every month saying Iï¿½m getting bad sinus problems every 6 weeks and still not a 100% in between and my periods are horrendous. He kept saying I think itï¿½s okay at the moment weï¿½ll see how you go. I am going crazy everyone must think Iï¿½m a hypochondriac but I know Iï¿½m not making it up. There probably was a bit of depression there but no wonder I was feeling lousy everyday.
When back to local G.P for about the 3rd or 4th time. I said thatï¿½s it Iï¿½ve had enough I want an ultrasound and I want to see nose, ear and eye specialist. I canï¿½t take it anymore Iï¿½m supposed to be trying for children now Iï¿½m too sick to even do that.
Took eight months to get into nose specialist. So had to still put up with bad sinuses for that amount of time. I knew it was the air conditioning at my job. All it took was 5 cortisone tabs and I was cleared in the face the best Iï¿½d felt in over a year.
I had the ultrasound the following Monday at my gyno rooms. I was admitted to hospital 2 hours later. Some say it was left over baby from months ago. Gyno says it was inflamed cervix and 6 blood blisters so that was causing all my pain. I was right all along and wasnï¿½t making anything up. All I can say is most of the time if you have a gut feeling get a couple of opinions just to be sure.
I do not exactly know if I had 1 or 2 natural miscarriages that year but Iï¿½m finally on the mend. My worst year 2005 is over.
2006 has to be a better year for us.
We decided to have a bit of a break with trying for a while still using condoms as a contraceptive for a long time is not much fun.
I made another appointment to see Gab at Monash I.V.F Geelong and decided we wanted to give I.V.F a go because there is more testing involved. My appointment wasnï¿½t until July. By then I decided to have a break and leave work as I still didnï¿½t feel a 100% there and the sit down all day job wasnï¿½t enjoyable. So my old pharmacy took me back on a casual basis.
Gab said he thinks itï¿½s a good idea for us to start I.V.F. Most of the tests had already been done so Duaneï¿½s sperm was the only thing left to test, which should have been done years ago. He has top quality sperm but a bit high in the white blood cell count. Antibiotics were prescribes for 2 weeks and that was fixed. Maybe that was our problem. I like to think that so we could be hopeful with the next attempt. It seemed to take forever to start the program as my cycle caused us to miss out by a couple of days in the October one. So Jan 2007 is our first go at it.
The last few months in 2006 I am feeling a huge relief starting I.V.F as we are now being looked after, told what to do and take. I cant describe how much pressure has been lifted by getting some help even though we could still have a hard road ahead of us. Why didnï¿½t we do this years ago?
January 2007- we are getting excited about our 1st cycle. Trying not to get our hopes up to much though. I started all my drugs everything going smoothly. I went in for egg collection while Duane went to the Sperm bank round the corner. I woke up well and once I came out to Duane he told me they had collected 10 eggs. I thought that was really sweet that they ring the husbands/boyfriends and let them know. It was nice hearing it from Duane.
I have a new p/time job in pharmacy again so I waited for the call the next day. I finished at 2p.m there was 2 missed calls on my phone. I immediately called back it was the lab with my results. 9 had fertilised we were wrapt with that result. Thursday I had 1 embryo implanted and had the wait to get through. I didnï¿½t think it would seem that long. We went to Echuca for 4 days with friends by day 10 up there I knew things werenï¿½t right I was moody, upset and very emotional also lots of headaches which I donï¿½t usually get. The same symptoms I had had before a previous miscarriage. But I was still a little unsure as I.V.F could have different symptoms.
Anyway back at home I started losing a lot of tissue products so I rang my coordinator
As these symptoms were new to me. They let me have an early blood test today and the results were negative of course. Lots of blood loss again but my periods are still very heavy also.
So bad luck this time but not giving up hope yet itï¿½s only our 1st cycle. We have 7 frozen embryos that we will try in the next attempt.
Our family and friends have been such a tremendous support over the last 5 years and we couldnï¿½t get through it as well without all their love and well wishes. Now getting the support from Monash I.V.F is a great help to us also. My loving husband the tears, mood swings and down days you have had to put up with and your still standing by my side all the way. Your positive nature is what keeps us going and putting a laugh back into our lives is something your great at. Makes all the difference.
Our Mums, dadï¿½s sisters and brothers always there with a shoulder to cry on and giving us hope. My best friend Bec always their when I need to talk and always staying positive for me you are like my sister.
I forgot to mention my dog Zoï¿½ she is my baby (black lab/retriever) and she has helped me cheer up numerous times when I am devastated on the couch crying over the last 3.5 years that we have had her. Duane lets her inside when I donï¿½t want him to and she comes up licking me all excited. Guarantees to always put a smile back on my face.
This story I have only started today 14/02/07 so a lot of feelings and emotions have been left out as a lot of the past 5 years is one big blur. I wanted 2 children by the time I was 27. How Iï¿½ve learnt you cant always have things run so smoothly. My next aim was 30. Well I was 30 last October 06. So I suppose my new goal is 35. I canï¿½t believe how quick the years go when you are trying for something. I know it seems like Iï¿½m young and we have still plenty of years left in us to try for children but the time goes extremely quick I feel like I should be 25 still where did it go. But thatï¿½s what longing for something so badly does. I just prey that we do get that child we long for soon so we can start to be the way we used to be strong and happy with fulfilling lives to live.
21/03/07- Decided to have a go ourselves before we try a frozen cycle. Think the first I.V.F cycle not working hit me more than I bargained for. Friends had a baby and I just didnï¿½t want to go see them I donï¿½t have these feelings very often. Of course we were happy for them but not as happy as we should be. I was very teary frustrated the usual feelings of itï¿½s never going to happen and the added stress of Duane looking for permanent work and trying to build a house out on our bush block.
31/03/07- Well I am 6 weeks pregnant again the first time I have held that long for about 4 years. Its been a stressful week I have been trying not to but this one I seem to be worrying about a lot more because I donï¿½t think I can keep trying for much longer. I know I will but my body is getting tired and worn out and I would love to have a normal life again without all the worry.
This is a natural pregnancy not I.V.F so I am having weekly bloods done at Monash Geelong to make sure my levels are rising. Wednesdays test came back good but I think I was a nervous wreck on the day. I am feeling a little sick, which is great because Iï¿½ve not really had that frequently before and Iï¿½m an eating machine trying to eat healthy but itï¿½s hard work at the moment. Thursday I had a tiny bit of brown spotting now stopped but sent me on a downward spiral again. I would really love to just have this happy feeling and keep our baby and not keep having my dreams ripped away so harshly all the time so as nervous as I am I will try and stay relaxed.