BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Need to vent

I just need to vent...one of those days where you know when you just get the feelings out you will feel better. Thank you in advance for listening.

Yesterday, my husband told me that he got a message from his sister that she had her baby. My husband and I were both considering the fact that we did not feel anything at all about the announcement. We knew we were supposed to be all excited (it is our first niece or nephew) but in truth, we felt nothing.

Today in my e-mail inbox was an e-mail from my father in law titled "first grandchild" with pictures of the baby, father-in-law holding the baby, new mom, new dad...etc. all with titles and comments about the "feeling of holding the first grandchild" etc.

Whenever something like this happens, I feel this brief pang of envy. Intellectually, I understand why--I have never been real close to my family and have been the black sheep since my teens. Pictures of this type of family togetherness always bother me. And the whole baby thing represents what I can never be--traditional...or do--fit in.

99% of the time I love that I do my own thing and could care less about fitting in.

The 1% is usually during this type of instance, where all of those smiling happy people swearing this is the most wonderful thing in the world make me want to follow the stupid path and be accepted. I imagine there are many out there who have these feelings and maybe have less strength or willpower and wind up just having the kid because it is the thing to do.

It all comes back to my earlier posts of wanting to want to have a kid. Will this feeling ever go away?

About two hours after this stupid e-mail, my neighbor comes over to invite me to a baby shower. I don't enjoy baby showers. She tried to be nice and said that I did not have to come because she knows I dont like babies. I did not know how to respond to that.

I am sorry for the long post, but it feels better to get all the feelings out!

I hear you, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Strangely enough I am also dealing with very similar feelings of envy today after hearing of a couple new pregnancies among friends-of-friends. Not that I want a child, but that I wouldn't mind all the fuss and familial acceptance, I guess. I know it's silly but I can't help feeling that way sometimes. Especially since I can really tell that my relationship with my mother has gotten more distant since my sister had kids- she's very involved with them. I don't begrudge my sister the help; she can certainly use it. But still...
Anyway, I had to pull myself up short once again today, with the thought "trying to be part of the crowd is a pretty silly reason to bring another person into the world". I imagine this'll pass... for us both.

Thank you for understanding. I too know it is silly and that having a kid to gain family acceptance is nuts. I guess that is why I WANT to WANT a baby--that way I would have a kid because I wanted to and get the added benefit of fitting in with the family!

In a way, I'm kind of glad that I don't want a baby... it means that I am not a slave to my hormones/body... that I can let my MIND rule my body, and that I have the opportunity to do other things with my time/life. I kind of feel sorry for those women that feel driven to have babies (it's even worse for them if they are single), and feel that their whole mission in life is to be a mom. Some women let this drive turn into an obsession and having children is all they can think about.
To me that is sad, because if your only mission in life is to be a mom & make babies then you are saying that your life exists only to serve others, and that YOU don't matter any more.

[Notice I said if your ONLY mission in life is to be a mom... I think many people do manage to balance being a mom, and still manage to retain their own identity.]

Anyways, I'm glad that I don't want a baby... it makes life a lot simpler.

Chaco... I think everyone has those moments when we wish we fit in better... fortunately, they are only moments and they do pass.

Chaco...my husband was adopted and he has a huge family. He is soooo different from them all. He doesn't share hardly any of the same interests. He has spent his whole life (he is 47) trying to fit in. Sometimes it drives me crazy. I wish he didn't care so much about fitting in. The good thing is that since his family is so large and since he was adopted there is no pressure for grandkids.

Hang in there, Chaco! As long as you continue to follow your heart and do your own thing, you will always be an individual and you will always come out on top!

I think you were just having a rought day and I'm really sorry that you were feeling this way...

Chaco, I know how you feel. All the women in my family have kids, and even timed them so they'd all have cousins the same age. There's a lot of camaraderie I feel like I miss out on. Plus, the older generations are not being supplied with new blood to fuss over, so I sense some dissapointment. It's kind of a double whammy.

How it feels to me is kids are a bridge that bring people closer together in a family. As women, we are expected to build that bridge. If you don't do it, especially by choice, you're almost perceived as pushing people away. You're taking a different path, and it's viewed as rejecting their path plus not providing them with whatever they feel like is what you owe them for them having you. My family is kind of old-fashioned.

I totally understand where you're coming from.

My husband's former best friend and wife are about to have their first child. I say former, because they both abruptly cut off all communication with us when they decided to become parents. The freaky thing is the last time I talked to her she got on a big CF soapbox and declared she was going to schedule a vasectomy for her husband. I discouraged her from doing this, saying it was *his* body and *his* decision. Funny -- that whole crazy deal was what drove me to find this place.

On a happier note, my family has recently started acknowledging and celebrating some of my adult accomplishments, like a prestigious invitation I had to show a painting at a group show a few months back. It was a very pleasant surprise -- I honestly never saw it coming. I hope others here have the same experience when their families 'grow up.'

I guess in these instances, you just have to step out of yourself and think of others. How awful if they felt like they were hurting you with their joy, and how awful you would feel if you did hurt them just because you didn't feel like being happy for them. If you can't be happy for them, "Fake it 'til you make it." You'll like yourself better.

Andrea....I am going to guess that you are a mom. And you have noooo idea what it is like to have zero maternal instinct and have zero interest in babies. It is hard to fake it as you call it. When you fake it, everyone can tell that you are faking it and it comes off lame. It is like a big fat slap in the face. Not everyone is goo goo for babies.

I can't speak for anyone else here, but faking like I am something that I am not, is not going to make me feel better about myself. I can not stand people who are FAKE!