BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Need advice

Hi

I am 24 year old step-daugher. My father lives out of london and I am visiting him for the first time since my baby was born. My boyfriend is off work on friday and so is my dad so we thought we would go visit my dad, step-mother and brothers.
Well the last time I visited them was when I was pregnant. My step-mother wanted to come costco with us but dad said no. He wanted to spend time with me and my bf on our own. So in the end after talking to my dad she must of pursuaded him to let her come. Then the car was full up which i was not happy about. She's a childminder and she brought this little girl along. So there was like six of us in the car including my dad who is driving. My dad and my step-mother have to sons together so the little would have came with us anyway but dad didnt really want her to come. Then the other one didnt have his key to get so he said to her no so she would be there when he came back. Then he did come in but he wanted to come but in the end he was left behind she came with this child that she looks after.
I was not happy as I was pregnant and the car was overcrowded and if my dad got stopped by police etc.
Anyway worried abit because dad said he will take us costco again and hoping the same thing dont happen again as my baby is here now and 3 1/2 months. She cant decide to come with him in his carseat and if she is childminding. I am so fed up with her wanting always to be there when my father takes me out even at 24. When I was a child she treated me bad never liked my dad taking me out so my dad would in secret. Now she alot better but still somethings she is the same as then. Very nosey and wants to be in everyones business.
I should not have to deal with this and she should know my dad dont see me ofter because I live in london and they live out of london.

Try to talk to your dad privately, before you go, and express your concern. Always speak respectfully and considerately about your stepmother, so there can be no comeback. She obviously has relationship/jealousy/possessiveness issues.... but then again, understandably (and with greatest respect) you might have a little bit, too....
The guy has to divide himself up and please everyone. He loves you both, and I'm sure at times he is at a loss as to know what to do to keep things sweet, to do what's right....

Don't think so much of the effect on her, think of the effect on him.

Just remember that your dad and stepmom are married and very much in love. They are used to going places together and just because you come to visit doesn't mean they should have to part. It would make everything lots better if you allowed her to join in and feel a part of the entire family. After all, one big happy family is much better that one big disfunctional family. Good luck!

*(suddenly, I'm a Koala....!)*

I might just do that thankyou for your advice.
If she's going to be like that I might just tell my dad I am not going if the cars going to be overcrowded. It will probably upset my dad then it will be up to him to tell her she not coming. He's done that to her before.
Just want to say my dad her been married 16 or 17 years so she should have got use to my dad not being around. She still should not be so clingy, jealous or insecure. She will push my father away and he already tell me she does things he even dont like.
She is lucky that my dad is still with her.Which I shall point out that I dont want them to split up. I cant believe the woman is still like this. I got a baby boy think she might get jealous of him because my dad really loves his grandson. I having moan and the friday is coming fast which is making me more upset about this issue.

Well, is the stepmom there because she wants to see what your father is spending on you? Do you think now that she and you get along better, that she wants the opportunity to know your baby and continue to deepen a friendship w/ you? Would you be comfortable leaving her w/ the baby to nap while you and your dad go shopping? Maybe she'd feel needed and you'd get some one-on-one time w/ your dad, but if she has a house full of kids, maybe you'd be uncomfortable w/ that????

I think it's important to see what's at the bottom of her wanting to be in the midst of things to see if she is trying to get along better or just trying to come between you and your father.

I gather you don't genuinely like her - maybe w/ good reason. But, perhaps now that you're a mother yourself, she feels she can talk w/ you better - sometimes the stepmoms are much closer to the stepdaughters during the time they become mothers as we (stepmoms) often have young children, too, while the BMs now have adult children. Hopefully she wants to connect more w/ you. If it's just her being a busy-body, just tell your dad that you'd like to have part of the stay alone w/ him - maybe a quiet lunch or something, then include the stepmom in another part of the day.

Good luck,
Dana

Yes I think she does want to see what my dad spends on me. Well after being treated badly when I was a child I didnt like her. Got older and in my teens moved in with my father and her. It got so bad that we got into a physical fight. Then my dad sat us down and we talked about think she thought I wanted them to split. Which I didnt so after awhile we got quite close but then I moved back to london to live with my mother. I had fallen pregnant but sadly had a stillbirth in 2005.Like when I found out I lost the baby in the hospital because my friend came with me to the hospital was not feeling good anything they did a scan found out my baby died at 37wks. So my friend rang to talk to my dad and my step-mother answered the phone and my friend said to her can she speak to my dad. Then she demanded to know what happened before passing the phone to my dad so my friend was upset because she basically said if dont tell me then I am not passing the phone her dad. So my friend had to tell her but she didnt tell me what happened until later on because another friend mentions it to me. So she came to the hospital the next day when i was just about to give birth to my baby that died and after giving birth she wanted to come in the room straight away. So told my dad listen I can getting cleaned up etc. Then she said while my two friends went to get a drink that I dont need all these people here. Think she was talking about my friend and I thought I dont need you here. She really annoyed especially as I just been through the worse thing in my life.
So I lost the baby in march so in May I kind of like was seeing some guy. Very long story but my step-mum must of heard me talking to him. I had not told my dad at this point because this guy and I was not serious. Then a friend that lived near my dad's met my step-mother one day. She said to me that my step-mum asked if I had a boyfriend. So my friend said not think they are just friends. Kinding of lying for me which I didnt tell her too but she did. Which I was so annoyed that my friend had to lie because of her trying to get information. Then my friend actually let it slip that I had been doctors because I was in pain on my left side and the doctor told me I had cyst on my ovarie. Another thing I had not told my dad because I was waiting for a further appointment and didnt want to worry my dad.
So then I was really annoyed thought why cant she just ring me and ask me if i had a boyfriend she's got my number. So then after that happened my friends mum died. I rang to tell my dad but he was not there. She answered the phone and I said what happened then she like started having a go at me about not telling her about my visit to the doctors about this ovarie thing.So as I was like upset about my friends mum I just put the phone done. So from then I visited my dad just spoke to him and my brothers did say hi to her. I didnt actually get into a conversation with her though as I said kind of didn't talk to her. After a while I started to talking to her just to be civil for dads sake. We talk and she will visit me but its not the same as before. I mainly just ring to talk to my dad dont really ask about her but she comes nearly every other weekend which annoys me. My mum and boyfriend dont like her coming so oftern. Even without my dad she comes but we talk but I dont tell her anything really she likes to be so nosey.
Well I thought when we got closer that she genuinely was ok and thought she changed. Then she upset me by the things she did above. No dont really like.I would say I tried and tried with her but I got now where. Well I made a promise to myself when this baby was born I would never let her look after my baby. Which is going to upset my father but I would never leave my child with my father for a weekend while she is there. Dont want my child to get what I got. Why you following your dad all the time. How much money did dad give you. All sorts like that so its best if I got there for weekends with my baby without my bf. Or we all stay in a hotel or bb.
Thanks for you suggestions but somethings dont change she will always moan at my dad about being left on her own at home and managers to get her way and come. Its better when my dad come down to see me without her.

Wow! She sounds like an insensitive busy-body. You are probably right in not wanting to share too much w/ her. I'd keep my distance, be civil, etc.

From a stepmom standpoint...sometimes I do get annoyed when my husband continually supports his grown children (22,24,26) after putting them through school. I have asked why we are paying for cars for the son (who hasn't spoken to us in 3 yrs. and we only recently got the car back), the older daughter (who has lived w/ us for 5 mo. - see my other post - and hasn't paid any of her bills let alone offer to help us out from time to time) or the younger daughter who lives w/ her bf. Why should we have to pay for cell phones for three adults when we are having financial troubles of our own?

If I were you, I would thank both your dad and s-mom for any financial assistance they give you. I've often felt slighted that I've never received gratitude from any of my skids. Little do they know that since their father and mother ruined their own credit, our house, practice, and office bldg are all in my name alone, as are our cars. But, my husband was miraculously able to somehow get credit to buy his grown kids cars...so I'd rather we minimize my being so extended and get ourselves out of trouble rather than buy these kids cars they and we cannot afford. I downsized to a safe but basic Honda, while the kids drive a Lexus, an Inifiniti, and a Mitsubishi.

I don't want to get off track, because my guess is that you have good reason not to trust and/or particularly like this woman. I just think she could take a step back if you thank her for any items your dad buys you or your son, just being polite and somewhat act aware that your dad buying you something is also partly her buying it.

BTW, I am so sorry about your stillborn baby. That was my worse fear at the end of my pg'cies. Your s-mom was completely out of line to push her way in. As stepmoms, I think we need to stand back a bit until we are wanted or needed in a case like this. She showed no respect for you and your feelings and that is just wrong.

Good luck,
Dana

Well what a tiring day we had on friday visiting my dad, stepmum and brothers.
My boyfriend, I and the baby got to the town centre.I quickly text my dad we were in the town. Then he said he was going town anyway to go argos for my step-mum. She wanted some washing line I think or something. So in the end he picked up but said well she dont really need it really. Think he must of told her anyway that he was not going argos he was just picking us up.
So we got back to the house everything was fine was chatting and my dad was holding the baby. Then after awhile he passed the baby to my step-mum. She even showed us this baby swing she kept going on about that this friend of hers gave her. She said we could have it but my boyfriend was funny about it first. When she told me on the phone about 2wks ago. When he saw it and the baby was enjoying he said we will take it. So then my step-mother helped me change the baby. She said to me that my little brother who is five wants her to bring the baby to the school. So I said that I will go with her. Was not going to let her talk the baby on her own. So when we left the house she like took the pushchair and not even asked me if she could push him. Then when we collected my little brother from the school he wanted to push the pushchair. So my stepmother said when we got pick up this little girl from the school roung the corner.She is a childminder. There was more space in the playground so we let him but we both was holding the pushchair. Also on the way back but we stopped to talked to something. So I took the pushchair and said i'm going to the shop but both my brother and this little go came with. The little girl wanted to push the baby so I let her but also watching her. She was alot taller that my brother so didnt really need to help. Anyway after we got our stuff from the house we went back to the house. My boyfriend was doing something with my dad in my dads car. Then my step-mother had to take this girl to basketball practice but got my dad to drop her off. So my boyfriend and I and baby was in the house on our own. Then my dad suggested when then got back to go costco which as you know I was dreading him asking. As she was cooking she couldn't come with us. There was like me, my boyfriend, the baby was in the car seat and my little brother. So really no space for her. Before we left she said to my dont spend that money or something like that can't remember. Even yesterday my boyfriend was telling my mum and said think she meant dont buy us anything.What really annoyed me is that she said to me are you leaving the baby here. I said no and my dad said to her he wants to see costco too. She kept saying he wants to stay with me but I just picked up the carseat and took him to the car. My boyfriend did say that if we dont leave the baby with my mum why we going to leave the baby with her. Dont think she liked be left at home on her own but she was cooking. Anyway my dad did buy us stuff which he kind of said when the trolley was kind of full. So my boyfriend said wont your wife mine you buying us stuff. Then my dad said who said " am going to tell her" etc. Then she did ring to say dinner was nearly ready so we went. Felt abit bad she couldn't but there was not space in car. She was cooking anyway this was like the first time we spent time with dad on our own. She did cook us a lovely dinner and she was not too bad but the few things did annoy us. Dont get me wrong she is so good with the baby but she still dont like my taking me out on his own. She's always got to be there. You know what thinking about it now think my dad said lets go costco on purpose so she couldnt come because she was cooking. I kind of was like trying to put my dad and boyfriend by saying do we really want anything. My boyfriend said yes but then she didnt moan like she did before about being on her own. Anyway my dad dropped us home and all of us was tired.
Just thought I would give you a quick update on friday. sorry for being long.

Just pointing out that I dont ask my dad for anything. Think because my step-mum was so nasty to me when I was a child that she kind of instilled in me not ask my dad for money. So I dont but my dad offers too buy us stuff. Even my dad gives me money but if I say dads its alright he gets upset so I have to take it.
I dont see my dad everyday only like once or twice a month. So why does she want to stop my dad even now taking just shopping by himself. He dont need a minder and when my step-brother visits her dont think my dad dont care at all what them too do. My dad and my step-brother relationship is kind of funny too. My step-brother kind of carrys on line like he had a bad up bring too but I lived with my mum and he live with my dad and his mum. Which my dad took him on as his son too. Which is annoying because i am the one who should be upset not him. His dad apparently abandoned him which I was lead to believe. My step-brothers dad was not there but did not abandon him. As his dad speaks to my mother which is very complicated. My step-mother and step-brother dont know this though. My dad knows this which is kind of weird. So my dad is with my stepmum. My mum is with my step-mothers ex which is my step-brothers dad. So compicated is it lol.