BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Coach for the undecided

I thought this was an interesting and balanced article from The Times in the U.K. about a "life coach" who counsels women who are undecided about having kids.

That's a great article. We could do with more wisdom like that.

Yeah, I saw this article on the Internet, too. I think it's great that they acknowledge having children is a choice, and something that should require thought. What a concept?

I think having a coach is an excellent idea. But I think we should start even earlier, and introduce the CF concept in high school...teach women at an early age that they have options. And they should probably have Women's Studies classes in high school, too. Maybe they do by now. But I know my first Women's Studies class in college was like throwing food to the starving.

It seems like the feminist literature, boasting about women's choices and possibilities got buried or burned somewhere along the way. I meet so many women that don't seem to know anything about it. And we are the same age. I guess it has to do with your life experiences, and the circles you travel in, too.

I liked the article a lot too. Brings up a lot of points that you don't usually see in the media. The comments are very diverse, some of which [censored] me off a little, have to admit.

Happy, I took an amazing women's studies class in college, and had a roommate with that major. In all I read, heard and learned in that time, I don't remember ever hearing the option of not having kids discussed, and the societal pressures we face. I wish it had.

We did talk about how women without children were viewed as witches and were among those targeted in witch hunts.

Frieda,

We covered different topics every day, and, you are right, they didn't specifically talk about the CF lifestyle as an option. But for me, just hearing about women's struggles over the years and triumphs made me want to do more than stay home and have kids.

A Women's Studies class would be perfect for discussing the CF lifestyle/issues/struggles. We had one class on prostitution, and I was amazed that they covered it in a nonjudgemental way, and presented it as a source of income for women with little education or options. If they can tackle that, talking about being CF should be easy!

And the feminist stuff I have read has definitely gone there.

I did read somewhere on the net that parents voted that they wouldn't be comfortable with the CF option being discussed in the classroom. Which kills me, because everyone is childfree up until a certain age, and it would be in their children's best interests to stay CF at least long enough to finish their education. And then, their education could obviously open them up to other possibilities, that may or may not include a CF lifestyle.

Part of the problem is that many people who hadn't read much feminist literature were kind of turned off by the Andrea Dworkin/"gender feminist" types. Dworkin, who eventually ended up marrying (a man, no less!) in 1998, towards the end of her life, used to go about the American landscape in the late 70s and 80s saying fun little mantras like "all heterosexual sex is rape", etc. She and some of her pals liked to imply (or outright declare) that a woman can't call herself a feminist unless she's a lesbian...wowza.

The "equity feminists", on the other hand, I can get behind 100%. In a nutshell, equity feminists define feminism as "a buck in your pocket". I.e., equal pay for equal work, the same opportunities for women as for men, etc. --- and in terms of work life, all jobs should be fully open to women unless they absolutely cannot physically do the work (a tiny percentage of Armed Forces and firefighting jobs come to mind).

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Great article, but definitely gotta read the comments too--it'll be soon apparent which side you're on Pretty typical of the people who have kids to get out the tired ole "it's the best thing you can do with your life" [censored]. Well that's all fine and good for them, but again, they're telling people who aren't making the same choices that what they're doing is WRONG! Ugh! I guess I just hate the whole moral superiority of the breeders more than anything else. Why can't they respect other peoples' choices?

Ug. I'm getting really sick of reading these comments from people putting down those who don't have or want children. Maybe you guys saw it, but the other day on truemomconfessions.com someone confessed that they think women who don't have children are incapable of having the depths of emotions and ability to love that mothers have.

Yeah, that sounds like moral superiority to me. I hate that argument so much. Are they saying their emotions are deeper than their own children (who are not mothers yet)? It just makes no sense. I've always felt like I'm too sensitive and emotional anyway, so it's kind of weird to suddenly be considered a cold fish.

It's just thinking your the center of the universe and no one else is as real as you. Human nature I guess, but rather infantile.

Telling someone your life is more fulfilling if you have kids is kind of like saying, "You should get married. It's better to be married than single."

Not only is it not true...a lot of marriages are probably no better and often worse than being single...but it's also a rude thing to say.

Frieda, Your comment reminds me of an article I read recently about a woman who went through a divorce, who was surprised to find she was much happier with her life than she expected, considering she had gone through such a traumatic event. The odd thing was that so many of her friends insisted on feeling sorry for her, convinced that she must be miserable. They couldn't believe that she could be happy & unmarried. Interestingly, the writer noticed that these comments came exclusively from friends who were unhappy with their lives (mostly people in unhappy marriages, but some singles too). The happy friends (i.e. happily married & unmarried) accepted her feelings and didn't judge so much.

Anyway, I think that this need to insist that one's lifestyle is superior or more fulfilling than another person's is really a reflection of that person's unhappiness and insecurities. It's the "My life may not be so great, but at least I'm superior to her." sentiment. People who are truly content with their lives usually have no need to make themselves feel better by comparing themselves to others. Unfortunately there are lots of unhappy people out there.