BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Invasion of my privacy

Hi all,

I have been married for ten years. My husband is basically a good and kind man, but he is extremely insecure. This has caused problems in the marriage, and recently i insisted that he attend a counsellor. I told him that if he didn't do this, i would leave. He is now attending the counsellor, but it is early days yet.
Last weekend, i went away to see friends. When i came home, he was behaving strangely, and when i asked him what was wrong, he told me that he had gone through all of my things (work papers, clothes etc) and found some pages i had written about our relationship. He was shocked by what i had written, and told me that he has booked a session with his counsellor for both of us. I am happy (well, not happy but you know..) to go to the session, but am very very upset that he invaded my privacy like that. I had been using a self-help book myself and had kept my notes to continue them at another time. I stand by everything i wrote; there were no lies or exaggerations. Just what i hope for, and what i would like to be different in our marriage.
These notes were in my work diary, in a fabric bag, in my bathroom, so it's not like they were just sitting on the kitchen table asking to be read. I feel really angry, hurt and upset. What do i do now? Where do we go from here? I am sleeping in another room as i just don't want to be near him...
Has anybody else here been through something like this?

Hi, Dita! Welcome to the Marriage Forum!

Your husband seems as if he needs tremendous reassurance about your relationship. He has esteem low enough to cause him to snoop. You have a right to be angry and upset over this invasion of privacy.

He sees the writing about the marriage as "evidence" that he may lose you. I have coached couples like you and your husband and when one spouse is this insecure it makes it difficult for the other spouse to be supportive and loving. You more than likely feel as if you are being strangled and need some breathing space.

He needs counseling and needs to build his confidence that he is a person worthy to be loved. Unfortunately, no one can do this for him. You can tell him you love him a thousand times a day and show in all different ways but the self-confidence has to come from within. A good therapist can aid him in achieving this.

Tell him how disappointed you are that he would lower himself to spy on you and tell him that invading your privacy hurts you because you have the right to write down your thoughts and feelings. Let him know that you have nothing to hide from him and he needs to trust you.

Also tell him you love him but are not happy with his behavior.

This will take a while but you can work towards a good solid trusting relationship.

Hope that helps!