BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids The Critical Comments Return

First I want to thank all of you for your messages of support. The breakup with my girl friend does hurt, but I am doing well going on with my life.

I have plenty to do at work and am keeping busy outside of work skiing, biking and reading.
I had a really good weekend except for some critical commentary I received from my Dad last night. Dad decided that the breakup was a reason to stick his nose in my personal life. I went to my parents house for dinner. He said that I should keep my options open with regard to kids. "What if you meet a woman who wants a family?" I replied I had zero interest in parenting and added that he was being a hypocrite since my Mom did all the parenting grunt work when raising me and my two older brothers. I told my parents that the vasectomy was done on my initiative, by my choice and had not been pressured into it by my ex. It is interesting that my middle brother (has 3 kids) who has never made any critical comments about my CF choice does the most when it comes to helping with childcare and household chores. My mom was more respectful than my Dad and she said 7 grandkids was more than enough birthdays to take care of. I don't know if my oldest brother (has 4 kids) knows I got snipped. I got enough sh** from my Dad last night to last a lifetime so I am going to keep the e-mail chats with the oldest brother confined to biking. This morning I bumped into my friend Ron on my morning ski outing. Ron is staunchly CF like me and applauded me for getting sniped.

Otherwise the weekend was great.
I baked myself some chocolate chip cookies on Saturday night. My Ex did improve my cooking skills a lot, I can no longer eat store bought cookies. I hiked and skied the slopes of the local ski area both days. Yesterday I did a 3 hour, 50 mile bike ride as well with 4400 feet of climbing. I am looking forward to my first bike race of the season on May 26. The link is below.

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So true. I took my seven-year-old nephew yesterday, and I had him for three hours. He worked my nerves so bad, and my back was killing me by the end of the day. Kids are so trying.

Taking him to the fair sounds neat in theory, but when I am actually doing it, even for a few hours, it is very different. When I plan these things with him, it is never like I think it will be. I have ideas about what we can do - but he wants to do something different. And he whines, too.

I think it's like that when people decide to parent. They have these ideas of how it will be. But it's completely unpredictable.

I really do love my nephew, but he drives me nuts sometimes.

I'm so sorry your family is being insensitive. It's such a responsible choice, I just don't get why people can't respect it. These are the same people that would lecture us on parenting if we had kids, and tell us what we are doing wrong.

I guess when I think about it, I would prefer them harrass me about having kids. At least that's temporary. And we are living the lives we want.

Be strong! You are a cool guy with neat hobbies. You will meet other neat, similar-minded people through those hobbies.

My fiance and I were looking for doctors to the do the snip last night. We want to do that soon.

Good for you.

Hang in there, Mike. Your dad sounds like he's pretty old-fashioned/traditional and can't imagine his son would want a life any different than the one he made for himself, marrying a woman who took care of him and the kids while he was the "provider". He probably can't understand that a woman who wants/has a family will not be the right woman for you. If you start dating a woman who has kids already, those kids would always come first for her. Some people can handle dating someone with kids, I know I couldn't. There's also the complication of the ex always being involved one way or another when there are kids in the picture.

And you are right there are no easy days with parenthood. Even if everything is going well, there would always be the worry about what COULD happen. Even low-maintenance kids need their parents' time and energy, and that takes away from the time and energy you have for your own interests. And it continues for 18 years or MORE. Sorry, no thanks!

Cindy

Your dad sounds a lot like mine. What is it with that generation of men? Their belief system is so far from reality. They come from a completely different time, when the world was a different place. I can never decide whether it's worth arguing with him. I feel bad and fester on it either way. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Sorry about your dad ... I hope that he decides to stay away from this topic for a while.

Good luck with your bike race - and here I thought I had a good weekend because my husband and I rode 13 miles on Saturday!

This is really tough. But in the end, it's your life. Your Dad made his choices, and now it's time for you to make yours. Your family can think what they like, but you shouldn't make the wrong decision for you to please other people.

I know how hard this can be. Thankfully I have a mother who, had she lived in a different time, would have been CF, but my father loves children and I got the lot in my 20's and early 30's. Guilt, wheedling, yelling, elephant-sized hints. I guess in my life choices, I've been a disappointment to my Dad, but this is my life and I'm very happy with how it's turned out so far :-)

Commiserations on the breakup. I'm in the same boat, and keeping busy is a great antidote. Before I know it, months will have passed and it will all be behind me.

hang in there Mike! I have gotten the same "talk" from my parents. My mom seemed to think that it would be worth my giving up my desire to be childfree in order to "get" a man. Of course my mother has also felt that there are many things I should sacrifice of myself to have a relationship.

Relationships are nice, but not worth giving up who we area.

Enjoy riding and climbing and the beautiful scenery up there!!

I'm so sorry that your dad is being difficult. What he may not see is that you decide who you are and what you want *first*, then find the person who is the right match for that. If CF is who you are, then you find a mate who is CF. Yes, there are other points to consider when choosing a mate, but that's a biggie. And I'm sure she's out there. Cooking skills should be a big help btw. I know when I was out there dating, a guy who liked to cook got major points for that.

What is most annoying about my Dad's comments is that I felt I had put the kid issue to rest forever when I got snipped. The weekend immediately after the snip, my girlfriend could only stay with me for a couple days. The recovery was very quick but that was not something I knew in advance. My parents offered help if I needed it (I didn't) and made no critical comments at that time.

I have also thought of a list of things to tell my oldest brother if he feels he has to criticize my CF choice
1) With 4 kids in the house, I assume that's not conducive to a good sex life.
2) Send me an e-mail every time one of the kids gets in trouble. The girls are 17, 15 and 13. The boy is 5.
3) Send me an e-mail any time one of the kids gets a bad grade on a test.
4) Let me listen in the next time he and my SIL discuss birth control.
5) Let me listen in the next time he and/or my SIL discuss birth control with the kids.

Feel free to chime in with your own witty comebacks.

Pikasam-I feel just like you do about my life. I have lived it the way I want to and not the way my Dad, my oldest brother or anyone else says I should.

Mike

Mike:
In response to your brother, how about "You had enough kids for both of us".
If you are not feeling as witty, I think a simple "I don't tell you how to live your life, please don't tell me how to live mine" would do.
If you're feeling nasty, you could mention all the fun things you get to enjoy because you don't have kids... and that you don't want to give them up. (Maybe that will remind him of what he gave up).

The nice thing about being an uncle is that you can borrow the kids, and do fun things with them, and then give them back!