BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie- feel so inadequate

If only that were true. I'm sorry but I think this is a dangerous generalisation - maternal instincts don't kick in for all mothers automatically, as evidenced by abandoned/maltreated children. To have a child in the absence of maternal feelings is a gamble I hope few would take.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog! Most of us here are animal lovers and would be devastated if we were to lose one of our beloved pets.
You're not strange at all for not wanting children. It turns out that there are quite a few of us out there that feel the same way. I understand the wanting to want children, but there's nothing wrong with you for not being maternal - some women are maternal and others aren't. It sounds like your husband is okay with your lack of maternal feelings and if so, I hope you can get to a place where you feel more comfortable with this part of you so that you both can enjoy your lives as a two person family. You're definitely normal and you're definitely not the only person who feels this way.

in response to Ali's post:

remember this real-life story/article?

BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Silverbobs -

It's amazing how similar you are to a lot of the people on this board. I'm sure that everything I could possibly say has been said already, so - welcome!

Check out the CF retreat thread if you're interested.

But the thing is - we are here because we DON'T want children. So there is NO "when." And there is a lot more to being a mom than having maternal instincts. In fact, I think that phrase is over-used.

Once again, I feel that my statement has been taken out of context. I didn't say, "Don't worry, just go ahead and have a baby even if you don't want one and everything will be fine!" Instead, I said that if you have thought through the decision and have decided that you want a child, then don't stress out so much if you don't immediately adore every slobbering infant you've ever seen! I know I certainly didn't, and yet I ended up adoring my slobbering infant more than words can say. So I don't consider this a gamble, assuming you have thought through the decision carefully ahead of time. Please read that sentence again in context to see it in its proper context. It was not written as a general piece of advise to everyone on the forum. It had a very specific setting that it applied to, and it was advice to Silverbobs and Silverbobs alone and even then only IF she decided to have children, which, if you'll read her comment again carefully, she has not entirely ruled out.

And incidentally, I don't think that mistreated and abandoned children are necessarily proof of an absence of maternal instincts. People who abandon or mistreat children usually have other serious issues (e.g. drug abuse, a history of abuse in their own family, psychological disorders, etc...) that override their maternal instinct, as well as a many other protective instincts as well.

Should somebody who comes from a family with a history of child abuse be relying upon maternal instincts to ensure that they will treat their own children well? Certainly not. A person in that situation will hopefully receive a great deal of counseling about their own child abuse and seriously consider all the benefits and dangers of raising children before they decide to have children of their own. But it is not up to me or anyone else to make that decision for them.

Yes, Ingilbert, but Silverbobs did not say that she absolutely does not want children. She did say she does not want them now and has no instinctive draw to them at this moment. She did not say she is dead set against having children ever. Did you even read what she wrote before you jumped on me for advising her not to worry too much about the maternal instincts issue one way or another? If she decides never to have a child, so be it; it won't matter whether she has such instincts or not. If she at some point decides that she may want to have children, then the fact that she doesn't find all babies absolutely adorable does not mean that she'll be a terrible parent. It's her choice either way, which is exactly what I said if you re-read what I said instead of merely repeating that single statement out of context.

Incidentally, I almost mentioned post-partum depression in my original post in order to qualify my statement about maternal instincts kicking in, but I didn't because I see post-partum depression as a separate issue. It is an illness, not an attitude. It is not something that only strikes people who don't find babies absolutely adorable. It can hit any mother, whether she has never had a child before or has had a half dozen of them and has raised them successfully. It is not to be taken lightly, but it is NOT a reason not to have children. Anyone who decides not to have children for their own reasons should not be questioned. But it is neither very helpful nor very kind to blame a mother who suffers from post-partum depression for her illness or to tell her that it's obvious she shouldn't have had a child in the first place.

Let's please try to separate cause and effect around here. Just as I support any woman who has doubts and questions about having children and who does NOT want children in her decision not to have one, I also support those who have fears and questions but who have not made the decision one way or another to explore the cons and the pros of motherhood before deciding.

And please stop taking my comments out of context. Never did I suggest that the rest of you will or should have children at any time in the future.

I hear you, but I just don't think it's that simple. I don't think that everyone that abuses children is crazy. I think some people go crazy from all of the stress.

We are a defensive bunch though because we are constantly having this stuff said to us. And we constantly have to deal with awkward questions from people that don't know us, or our well thought out intentions.

This is one of the only places I know of where we can actually even talk openly about not wanting children. It's still taboo. And when CFs are interviewed, they often don't want to give their names b/c we are judged harshly by the general public.

Because we are the minority, we need a little support. I've seen very little peer pressure like the pressure imposed on women. It's sometimes subtle, and other times brutal. But it's always there.

First, I did read what she had to say, and it seemed to me that she does not have any intention to have children. Silverbobs, please forgive me if I misinterpreted your post.

Second, why are you bringing up PPD/PPS? Did anyone say anything about that? Who has blamed a mom for having this illness?

Third, I didn't "jump" on you - I pointed out that we are not here to discuss "when" we are having children. Enough people have pointed out how offensive suggesting that "someday" we will have children.

Fourth, I will "jump" on you for your response to my post. I know you have been more respectful than most parents are concerning this subject, but personally, I don't really appreciate your posts. Kudos to the rest of you CF people on this board who are okay with this, but I have a problem with it. Not a huge problem, but I do have a problem with parents posting. As someone stated before, this is our "safe zone." I will not apologize if I "jump" all over you for your statements. I feel judged enough in "real life," I don't need to feel judged here. I don't judge the other CF/fence-sitters on this forum. I am a nice person and I try to respect everyone and their opinions.

I will judge you, however, because you are not CF and you're posting on a CF board. I really don't know why you continue to post here. I respect that you have opinions on the subject, but frankly, I don't really want to hear them.

And yeah, I do have issues about this, because I am CONSTANTLY judged for my decision, even by my close friends. So sorry I am a little [censored] off here, but I've been feeling pretty depressed over the last few days and your reply to my post set me off.

So sue me.

Hi Ali,

I think I understand what you were trying to say, but I stand by my post. A person can rationalise the decision to have a child (i.e. "want" one) but that is still no guarantee that she will feel the maternal instinct - or love, or whatever you want to call it - towards that particular child once it's born, even if the vast majority of mothers do. Of course, the absence of maternal instincts doesn't necessarily mean that a person would be a bad parent, although I imagine that it would make the job more difficult.

I'm just wary of generalisations of this type.