BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie- feel so inadequate

Hi there,

I'm new here, so a quick intro. Im 23 (pleeeeease, no-one say "You are still young") and have been married for a year (ish) and I just feel so down at the moment about my lack of maternal feelings.

Im a PhD student and in my lab there is another guy (same age as me) who has just announced that his wife is pregnant. I was talking to him about it and he said "what? you dont want children?", and what makes it worse is that he is religiously very devout- so as you can guess, I got an earful.

Then today, my husband's sister-in-law has given birth to their first child and as you can imagine, all my husbands family are cooing and saying "ooo isn't it just wonderful".

Anyway, my reason for posting is that in all this baby excitement that seems to be everywhere I just feel numb and inadequate. I want to WANT to have children, just so that it would make me 'normal' in their eyes. Not having any maternal feelings and knowing that you never will almost makes you feel sub-human. People keep saying "you will change", but i wont. I just KNOW that I won't- its like saying "you might suddenly start finding women attractive" to a gay man- it just WONT happen.

It is not a reasoned decision for me not to have children, we're fairly financially stable and would be if we had children, my career is not THAT important to me and I could forgo holidays abroad. Its not because I want my freedom, infact I would LIKE the committment- I just dont like babies or children.

I've never been fond of children, I never had a doll when I was a child- I grew up on a farm surrounded by animals. I feel massively maternal over animals- but just not humans, so what does this make me- an animal too?

I'm dreading visiting this baby, and my husband expects me to be excited as everyone else is surrounding the new baby in the family but all i feel is numbness and inadequacy. He doesn't seem to understand me, and has of course given the "you are only young" line once or twice. He thinks that its ok if i don't want children- but that I should just accept it. The problem is, I can't. I CAN'T accept that I don't want children- and I CAN'T get excited for other people. I feel like I am cold and unfeeling, that it makes me less of a woman. It's just torture.

To make matters worse I lost my little dog earlier this week, and his loss has hit me like a tonne of bricks. All that the surrounding baby news is making me do is mourn the fact that I no longer have him (but of course he was "just a dog" to other people). No one will ever understand that to me, he was just like a child. If I say that, they think that you are some kind of crazy delusioned woman to think that dogs are even on the same level as babies.

Sorry for the long rant. I guess I just had to get it out.

Thanks,
Silverbobs

So what's wrong with that?

I read somewhere that within the next 10 years, 20% of women of child bearing age in North America will choose not to have kids. Some will just never meet the right guy. Some will never find a right time. And a fair percentage of them feel just like you and I do. You're certainly not alone!

Please don't think there's anything wrong with you and you need "fixing". Kids aren't for everyone, and especially at an age where you're really only a kid yourself. Who needs the hassles and issues that come with a baby when you're young and happy and the world is your playground? Or even as you get older, when life becomes ever richer and more rewarding? I can't imagine the sacrifices that some of my friends went through to be young parents, while I was out racing cars and holidaying in the tropics in my 20's. Kudos to them, but not for me.

There is some great info on the Net, and a great support web for you. Start tapping into it and you'll be surprised what you find.

I feel for you on the loss of your "baby" as well. For those of us that love our animals, we know how devastating it is.

Hi silverbobs,

Welcome to the forum! I'm sure you'll get a lot of support here, and I hope that it makes you feel less alone. I'm sorry to hear about your little dog; don't let other people make you feel that your sense of loss is somehow less just because he was "only" a dog.

I can empathise with you on your desire not to have children. Like you, I have never had any maternal urges and don't foresee that ever changing (I'm 31). There is really no reason for you to feel inadequate or abnormal because of it - on the contrary, you should be proud of yourself for thinking about the issue and not having children simply to imitate others. If you are happy with your decision (other than people's pressure to conform), why change it? You will invariably come across others who will try to change your mind, but your decision is nothing to do with anyone except your husband and yourself. Not having a baby and not getting excited about other people's babies does not make you any sort of a freak of nature or less of a woman. Like Pikasam has pointed out, it's an increasing trend and there are plenty of us who feel the way you do.

Hi silverbobs, and welcome. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Pets are very definitely family members and their deaths are a major blow. I'm so sorry.

As for not wanting a child- you're in good company here. We all have different reasons, and some of us are not 100% certain, but we all share those feelings. Try not to beat yourself up- your feelings are normal and natural because they're genuine. You can't force yourself to feel something you don't.

Best of luck on your trip!

Thank you to you all for your supportive words. I'm sat here at my desk and I'm crying, mostly through relief that I'm not alone.

Hi Silverbobs,

I'm sorry to hear about your dog! I understand your loss. We lost our family dog years ago (a beagle), and it was devastating. My sis got mad at me b/c I was more upset about losing our dog than I was when my grandfather passed. And I pointed out that our dog was nicer than my grandfather! Animals are so much sweeter than people sometimes! Anyway, I digress.

I don't think you are too young to know how you feel. I have also always known that kids aren't right for me. When I was 16, 20, 25, 30 and now 35. Never wanted them. You may or may not change your mind. The most important thing is that you make the decision for yourself. It isn't right or wrong.

You mentioned a religious coworker, and deeply religious people can be tough when it comes to children. I believe in God, even though I'm not religious, and I know that God gave us our minds and our feelings. And it sounds like your feelings and mind might be telling you something. Honor those thoughts and feelings. They are worthy and righteous.

And explore! There is so much to read on the CF subject. Books, online articles and this forum. It's a big decision. Researching it will help you feel more confident.

Luckily, b/c you are young, you don't have to make a decision right away.

I hope this helps?

Silverbobs,

On the subject of CF literature, I really enjoyed Nicki Defago's Childfree and Loving It!. It's worth reading, I think - I managed to find it in my local library.

I'm sorry to hear you are being judged so harshly about something that is out of your control. But I understand where you are coming from, and I think you should go a little easier on yourself.

There is no reason why a woman should necessarily be having maternal feelings if she is not a mother. And it is completely understandable that you would feel maternal towards the animals you have taken care of during your life. In fact, this is a good sign that you do indeed have the capacity to care for the innocent. I also think that it's completely understandable that you don't think other people's babies or children are cute. Honestly, I have two kids whom I love and adore, and I love all children "in theory," but I don't necessarily love and adore everyone else's children.

Let's face it: other people's children are annoying. The love we feel for our own children doesn't necessarily transfer to all children everywhere except in a generic sense. So what that means is that it is not odd for a woman to have no maternal feelings whatsoever, not about children or babies in general, not about other people's children, not even about the child she is carrying, until it is born.

This is exactly what happened to me. Prior to having my first child, I tolerated other people's children but mostly thought they were messy, undisciplined brats. On the other hand, I have always adored animals. I remember a scary event (a fire) that occurred when I was very pregnant with my first child, and my thoughts at that moment, as much as it shames me to admit it, was that I was more afraid for the life of my cat than of my unborn child. After he was born, however, my views changed completely. I still adore my cats, but my children hold a grip on my heart that nothing could ever supersede.

In other words, if you don't want to have children, don't. It's no one else's business whether and why you make this decision. If you do want to have children eventually, then do. And don't worry about those maternal instincts, they will kick in when you become a Mom.

Hi silverbobs. Welcome! I hope this forum helps you feel better as it did for me.

I didn't have baby dolls when I was young either (at least that I remember). I was very into Barbies and stuffed animals though. It's strange when you realize what a connection your toys from childhood have with who you are today. I've heard from career advisors that a technique for deciding on a career is to think about what you loved as a child, so I think it's worth considering that.

I'm 37 and have been waiting for the bio-clock to make the decision for me since I was your age. For good or bad, it hasn't happened! The only pressure I feel is just that my time to choose the decision rather than have it made for me is running out. But that still feels different than a burning desire to be a mother.



My husband doesn't understand how hard this decision is for me at all! Once I told him the truth of how I was feeling, he was very relieved and happy, and has expressed this many times. We were really worried about how we would pull it off financially and with what we already have going on in our lives. I can understand his relief, but am frustrated that he doesn't get why I can't just accept it and move on as easily as him. It still is hard for me. I feel inadequate sometimes too, like why can't I pull it off like all these other women do.

Just the other night we were at a dinner party where there was a couple with a new baby. The mother was glowing with confidence, happiness, and easy with it, and had those giant lactating breasts, and I started feeling like a block of wood or something. She said she's working on having 3 kids, and I can't even handle the idea of 1.

I even get pangs of jealousy when I see new fathers who are really into it. I can't help but wish I could see my husband in that role. Men with babies are so darn cute to me, and it's hard not to admire guys who are willing to work hard at a job to support a mother and babies. When I see a guy pushing a stroller by himself, I want the dad, not the baby!! Talk about feeling like a freak. I love my husband, and I don't want to force my husband to do that if it's not what he wants, but I can't help but feel a little inadequate when around these cute little families (the ones who have well behaved kids). When I'm around misbehaving kids I feel no jealousy at all!

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dog. I have always had a dog I treated like a family member too. My deepest sympathies.

Silverbobs, I am so sorry about your dog. I love my critters (rabbits/mouse) deeply. To lose one of them crushes me beyond words. Until 2005, we had 4 bunnies; that year, we lost our two oldest ones (10+ yrs old each). It was horrible.

I hope you find the support you came here seeking. It's a pretty nice little world, IMHO. It's just nice to see that there are people who hold similar views and that there is nothing "wrong" with questioning whether you want to have kids or not. It took me a long time to be okay with that, mostly because I have some other issues and I thought subconsciously that I was sabotaging myself (or that I didn't "deserve" kids). Then I sought counseling from a woman who basically told me that it was okay to "oops" DH into parenthood (she twisted things around to make it sound as if he was "denying" me something I wanted deep down.) Yeah, I knew that wasn't right. Eventually we figured it out on our own - we love the kids in our lives, but we're not "wired" to be parents 24/7. We want the fun without the work!

In any event, sorry for rambling... and welcome aboard!