BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Art Family Acceptance [[This is a long post]]

I have always loved various forms of body art. As a kid I was constantly experimenting with glitter, body paint, hair dye, make-up, and jewelry. I loved to make a statement and I loved the attention I got... all of it. Outsiders, observers, would comment on how crazy, bad, cool, odd, different, unique, or just plain absurd my current style was and I welcomed it all. I didn't mind the criticism as I never really took it personally. As long as nobody tried to cramp my style I was good.

Along the way I developed an interest in body piercing and was always fascinated by tattoos. As a teenager I had a habit of stating that as soon as I was 18 I was going to get a tattoo of a dragon or fairy as I also have a deep fascination with fantasy. My 18th birthday came and went and the only thing I added to my 2 ear piercings was another set of earrings. My parents, who had previously joked about going with me to get a tattoo firmly stated their disapproval of tats now that I was of legal age to get one. I let the idea slide until last fall.

I'm now 22 years old and I feel like I am well capable of making my own decisions and living with them. (And if I never make mistakes because of my own decisions how will I really ever learn? that's another topic...) In September I got a butterfly tattoo on my shoulder blade, nothing horribly complicated, just something nice. I was proud of myself and proud of my new body art. My parents were very displeased, especially my mom. She told me she was disappointed and would have expected me to know better and be more mature. Her reaction took a lot of my happiness with my otherwise amazing tattoo away. It didn't seem fair to me. My dad, who has 3 tattoos, was a bit easier on me, but told me I should be happy with just the one tat and not to get more.

Later in the fall I got my nose pierced. I told my parents I was going to do it. They didn't protest too much. My mom started to, but my dad told her to calm down and let it go, it wasn't really a big deal. My parents took the nose piercing much better than the tattoo, although I know they don't really like it.

In the past year I've been thinking about getting nipple piercings. I did tons of research on the risks and the procedure and anything remotely related. I didn't talk to my parents about this one. At 22 years old I don't see a need to inform them on the condition of my nipples... and I knew they'd flip. I had my nipples pierced 2 weeks ago. I'm thrilled. They're mine, they're hidden.

I've always had a very good relationship with my family. My parents and younger sister are all very close. My sister and I have been homeschooled for our entire education and our parents have always been active participants in our lives. Several years ago we began playing music as a family band. For the past 10 years we've been performing professionally around the USA, mostly on the east coast. This, of course, means that we spend a considerable amount of time together. I still live at home for the time being, since as a musician I don't have enough income to pay rent on an apartment in my area (which is notoriously pricey) on my own and I can't move to a cheaper area and remain an active participant in our family band.

Now... I want to get another tattoo, something really personal. Something that reflects how important music is to my lifestyle. This tattoo isn't going to be a decorative impersonal butterfly, but something that expresses who I am as an individual. I think that's the true beauty of tattoos. It would be on my lower back, not in some blazing obvious in-your-face place that would anger people. I'm not a showy person, so most of the time it is likely to be covered. (I also wouldn't be getting it for several more months) But how am I going to tell my parents? Should I be fearing their reaction? Should I be waiting (who knows how long) to do this until I have moved out of my parents' house? We have to remain on good terms due the music, but should I sacrifice my opinions on body art? I feel like they have to lighten up on what they think they can allow me to do in a lot of ways, this is just one.

Hi Tigress -

It sounds like you have 2 relationships with your family - as a family and as business partners/bandmates - and I think that really complicates this issue.

In general, I think that if you are living under someone's roof (versus a housemate where you pay your share of expenses), you need to respect their rules and opinions. As long as it is a matter of someone else's beliefs and something private, such as nipple rings, it is really your decision. Once it can't be kept private, it gets more complicated.

On the other hand, it sounds like you may living at home for your parents' advantage. Your band needs to be based somewhere on the East Coast, they want to stay where they are and the only way you as an band member can afford to live in that area (ie agree to that) is if they subsidize your living expenses by letting you live in their home. I've seen similar agreements between people in quite a few bands and that's a roommate situation, not living with your parents.

However, as bandmates, your whole family has a stake in your visual image and you in theirs.

What I would suggest is that your whole family needs to think about (and write down), what are professional decisions and what are personal decisions. Do you live at home with your parents because they are supporting you or because they choose that rather than losing a band member or moving somewhere with a lower cost of living? What type of image do band members need to project on and off stage for the band to do well and for all members to be comfortable being a part of it?

Hope that helps,

Julie

I understand, and appreciate, your comments.
As far as image goes.... I cover my current tattoo when I'm performing in most places. It's in a spot that is pretty simple to cover with my performance attire. I made sure to keep that in mind when I selected the location, and as I said in my previous post, I'm not one to show off a lot of flesh, so....
I've been allowed to color my hair (purple, blue, etc.) and never raise any issues with parents as parents or band members, so a tattoo on my lower back should be less visible than that I would think... my opinion.

And yes, I'm living at home still in order to continue performing as a family. I'm generally of the same mind-frame that you are, if I'm living under someone else's roof I should be honoring their rules. However sometimes that goes to far! It gets complicated to be family and business partners.

From most of the people that I have heard from regarding how parents or whoever will react to a tattoo or whatever, most of the time they get upset at first and then they get over it. There's bound to be some reaction, I suppose, but it is your life. Sit them down and explain exactly why you got it. Maybe that will help.

No one has to sacrifice their opinions, but you do have to accept the fact that your opinion and your parents opinion about body art are rather at odds with each other.

When I was your age, I was just starting to get pierced and tattooed myself. However, I'd chosen to go to college 3000 miles from home, I was done with school, working a job and living on my own. My parents weren't too thrilled that I was getting tattooed, but they really acknowledged that I was living my own life and making my own choices. Now, a few decades later, they are ok with my body art because they see me living a life they respect and the body art really is my choice.

I can't tell you what actions I think would be best, but I do think that until you make a break from such a close relationship and life with your parents, they are going to express a lot of opinion and preferences to you about how they think you should live, especially if you are "under their roof."

My father's parents never knew I had any tattooing. It wasn't that my folks and I had a talk about it or anything, we all knew it would have distressed them greatly and none of us wanted that. I mean, making my grandmother cry isn't my idea of being an adult. So, of my own choice, I modified my clothing choices whenever I saw them so that no tattoos showed. My mother's mom, the only grandparent I had on the other side still alive, I went out to lunches with her wearing sleeveless shirts that showed my tattooed upper arms. Why? Because to her, I was just me and how I looked was just my choice.

Whether it's family, friends or employers, choosing to be tattooed can put you at odds with all sorts of people. My college roommate once told me it was meeting me that finally made her parents realize that people who weren't criminals or prostitutes might have tattoos too.

BTW, parents are often much better accepting piercing than tattoos, because piercings can be abandoned by just taking out the jewelry.

In the end, you are going to have to work out how you want to balance your parents perceptions and reactions towards you with how you feel about yourself and how you choose to express yourself. My best advice is never take an action where you aren't prepared to face the worst-case scenario consequences. For instance, if you got more tattoos, would your parents ask you to move out, or leave the band?

Good luck!

I mentioned the new music tattoo to my my mom the other night. First I popped the idea to her, and then I asked if she would help design it. She kinda raised her eyebrows and asked how big and where it would be. I mentioned it to her once since and was surprised that neither time she said "no," but listened to my ideas....
I'm thinking something on my lower back....
something resembling a music staff, but not just straight... fancied up... curved.... cant describe it too well without visuals I guess lol.... anyway, there would be a few measures of notes. I thought maybe I'd write in the beginning of the first song I ever composed and recorded....

Well this is a tough situation, I am currently in it. My Mom dislikes almost everything and my son has almost everything possible pierced and he has alot of tattoos, I just got one myself. As a Mom it does not bother me that my son has pierced and tattoo's but my Mom thinks it is her job to voice her opinion each and every time she sees him. How my son and I decided to handle it was to basically just accept that she does not like it, we tell her (not like a smarty but nicely) yes we know you don't appreciate it. But on the other hand I think she is starting to accept it a little because now when she sees him whe will ask if he has any new tattoos or if he got anything pierced. I would suggest maybe doing the same thing don't hide it from your Mom and acknowledge you know she isn't a fan of it. Sometimes Moms (yes I am talking about myself) say things and think we are helping

My current hubby has 7 tattos, one that goes from his ankle to his knee (the largest). He had all but one of these before tattoing was "in". His family was accepting of his choices, but my family was less than thrilled when they found out we were dating and even more upset after we got married. But, some of it was his reputation...we lived in a small town...also he was a biker, this is before being a biker was what everyone wants to do now and Harley Davidson wasn't doing as well as they are now...I don't even think in those days you could buy much more than a t-shirt with Harley's name on it. Those days if you saw a biker broke down on the road they were there for quite a while as nobody would stop for them. He lived that lifestyle that went along with being a biker. Anyway (was there a point to all of this?) I know there is a big generation gap between my parents and I. My mom was in high school when it was ok for girls to start wearing pants (only one day a week). So I can really understand why tattoing and piercing upsets older folks. Just think how much the world has changed since Father Knows Best.

i understand what you are going through as I have had a similar problem with piercings but eventually my parental relaxed when I continued to do what i do best & that is get more holes LOL. i would say speak to them about why they have such a problem & see the reasoning behing it to understand their point of view (as you said your dad has three so why the problem). also give them your point of view of why you want to do it & that it is not a wim but something that has been carefully though out & planned. the thing is that it utimetly is your body & you will adorn it as you see fit no matter what people may think or say. right or wrong???

i know how that is. I have 11 piercings and i am going to get a tattoo. I come from a very conservative christian background. When i got my nose pierced my dad flipped out. to the point that we stopped talking. so i e-mailed him. i refuted some of his accusations (like that i had done it because of a boy and that i had done it spur of the moment) and asked him to respect my decision as his adult daughter. that actually worked for the most part. he is still not happy with it and we generally dont talk about it but he has let it go.

now when i get my tattoo that will be an entirely different story because of the reason that i am getting the tattoo.

i am getting it because i have struggled with depression since i was very young and because of it have gotten into cutting. I am recovering so i want a reminder on that wrist. but my dad doesnt believe christians can be depressed. so yeah that will be interesting.