logo
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
G
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
G
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
Hello all,

i'm new to the forums.

I'm 29 years old and male.

I have a very good female friend whom I grew up with. She is three years younger than I am - age 26 - and is married to a man who is almost 40. They have been married for 6 years.

Fairly recently, as in the past few months, she has come to me with the problem of verbal abuse on his part.

He acts like a child. He will torment my friend until she's near tears, intentionally pushing buttons. She has severe back problems, but he'll tell the doctor not to give her pain pills or her medicine for a bipolar disorder. He gets his way with the bipolar disorder medicine.

He is not scum however - he was in the coast guard for several years doing undercover narcotics work. I did consider him a friend until I witnessed this abuse first hand - she had been, if anything, underexagerrating the problem.

I have no idea what to do. I have been there, listened to her, and (mistakenly) pushed her to get divorced. It's intense, and i'm near the end of my rope.

I myself have been in two bad relationships. In the first one, the woman would pull a knife if she didn't get her way. I got cut before I disarmed her. The second one involved verbal abuse on her part and ended with a glass flying at my head because I was packing my things. I am staying single for the moment and getting myself straightened out on how to pick a good woman.

But for me, it's always been straightforward: if the woman gets abusive (being defined as more than normal anger), i'm out of there. No second chances, and no apologies, only lessons learned.

In other words, a flowchart would look like this: I get with woman --> woman becomes abusive --> woman gets kicked to the curb, or I leave, now. I don't think about it any longer than necessary to recognize the abuse.

However, my friend just won't up and leave. He's left one mark on her - he grabbed her arm when she threw her hands up in disgust.

As well, she and I are business partners. She's begun trying to work the business around his whims. This doesn't fly with me, and she knows that i'll have to go it alone or find another partner eventually if this keeps up. I've made that clear. No matter how much I love her I cannot jeopardize my livelyhood.

I've stopped pushing her to leave as I recognized that could be part of the problem. She was talking about getting marriage counseling and asked me to set something up through my church as she does not attend one. I did so and she changed her mind about it.

She says that she knows it will eventually end in divorce, but she has all these "ifs" - if he would do this or that they'd be just peachy.

She's to the point where she trembles all the time, even in her sleep. She's stubborn and I really don't know that she'll leave. As she has an untreated mental disorder, I wouldn't rule out suicide as an end either.

I have studied psychology extensively for about 16 years. When I was 13 my grandfather had something akin to alzheimer's and I believed I could somehow help him. I couldn't, but the interest was there.

This psychology is failing me now.

I need someone to talk to - friends of abused spouses or something - and I need to know what more I can do, if anything. There's no question that i'm too emotionally involved here, but that's what happens when the person is like your own sister. I just don't know.

Any help or comments would be very appreciated.

Thank you,

Josh <><

Sponsored Post Advertisement
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,901
Likes: 1
Chipmunk
Offline
Chipmunk
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,901
Likes: 1
Josh, send her here to the forums to see what we talk about her, have her email me personally about what I went through, find stories of abusive relationships that end with one partner/spouse killing the other, etc. I stayed for years "for the kids". When the abuse started affecting the kids, I was done. My son became violent towards me, he saw his dad do it, so it must be ok for him to do it. My daughter was so small, she was being starved if I was not home. (I went to college for 5 to 8 hours a day). He hit her (not a spanking, it was too hard for a spanking) open handed on her bare bottom one night for taking her diaper off. She was learning to walk, it was in the way. When she fell forward on her face, I nearly killed him. I called my best friend and my mom and begged them to help me. Does she have any family or friends you can contact to get on her side? My brother took us in. She does have to "want" to leave, it is a matter of giving her a push to get her to do it.


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
http://womenslit.bellaonline.com
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
G
Newbie
OP Offline
Newbie
G
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
Hello Jeanette, and thank you.

Josh <><

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Wolf
Offline
Wolf
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,004
Originally Posted By: Jeanette-Preschool &DV
Josh, send her here to the forums to see what we talk about her, have her email me personally about what I went through, find stories of abusive relationships that end with one partner/spouse killing the other, etc. I stayed for years "for the kids". When the abuse started affecting the kids, I was done. My son became violent towards me, he saw his dad do it, so it must be ok for him to do it. My daughter was so small, she was being starved if I was not home. (I went to college for 5 to 8 hours a day). He hit her (not a spanking, it was too hard for a spanking) open handed on her bare bottom one night for taking her diaper off. She was learning to walk, it was in the way. When she fell forward on her face, I nearly killed him. I called my best friend and my mom and begged them to help me. Does she have any family or friends you can contact to get on her side? My brother took us in. She does have to "want" to leave, it is a matter of giving her a push to get her to do it.


This is right.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Brand New Posts
Add Textural Dimension to Fabric
by Cheryl - Sewing Editor - 07/17/24 05:04 PM
Psalm for the day
by Angie - 07/17/24 09:53 AM
Inspiration Quote
by Angie - 07/15/24 09:59 AM
Guy Pearce Film "The Convert" Released Today
by Angela - Drama Movies - 07/12/24 05:30 PM
Sugarcane Trailer - Theatrical Release in August
by Angela - Drama Movies - 07/12/24 05:18 PM
A Designed Container Garden
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:50 AM
Crazy Tanager
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:45 AM
Wine Tastings
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:42 AM
America 250
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:34 AM
How do YOU Define Classical Music?
by Angie - 07/11/24 11:27 AM
Sponsor
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Privacy
This forum uses cookies to ensure smooth navigation from page to page of a thread. If you choose to register and provide your email, that email is solely used to get your password to you and updates on any topics you choose to watch. Nothing else. Ask with any questions!


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2022 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5