BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids anyone married a long time here? need some advice

i'm sorry to intrude on this board, but it's the only place i know of where i can find married folks without kids who might be able to give me some advice on this. i hope it's all right to be here.

my husband and i have been married over 13 years, and we are in a bit of a quandary. we're noticing the romance is gone. and things are in a slump. we still dtd often (more than usual lately), and that area is okay. but emotionally, we're not connecting like we used to. it's like we're growing apart from each other. last night, we both described it to each other as just existing in the same house but not really being "together" anymore. like the excitement is gone now. we both love each other a great deal and neither of us wants out of the marriage. but we don't like the way things are going right now. he feels like he's grieving something, but he doesn't know what it is. he feels empty, but he's not sure why. i feel like we don't talk to each other anymore and like we're just going through the motions. we don't really argue or fight. but when we do, it's over little things. and he admitted last night that he has no reason to be angry with me, but he looks for things sometimes because he wants to release his frustration. makes sense actually because i feel frustrated too. just not sure why. and i dont' know how to release it either.

after talking last night (and after a very rough couple of months lately), i'm noticing now all the things we've been doing to try to put the spark back in. things that just didn't seem to work long-term. instead, they made us feel happy at the time and have given us wonderful memories. but we're still in a rut, i guess. we used to entertain a lot. we don't anymore. we tried last month, but it was a bit of a disaster (not going into detail, lol). we took lots of trips because we were obviously searching for something. the happiness was fleeting. we even started netflix thinking we'd spend more time together. well, when we started falling asleep during the movies, we decided to cancel our membership. but it was interesting to see what movies he's interested in compared to the ones i like and to see which ones we both enjoyed.

but it's like we're searching for something. or we're at a stage in our marriage where things are changing. we don't know if this is normal or not. to me, it feels like empty-nest syndrome. i wonder about it. so many other couples have children at this stage in their marriages, so they are spending all their time and energy on the kids and making them happy they don't notice what's going on in their own relationship. we never had that, so i wonder if we hit this stage earlier than others. does that make sense? if it is empty-nest syndrome (or something similar), how do we work through this and deal with the change? i know we can't go back to the newlywed stage because, well, come on, let's be realistic. but how do we find the spark again? and how do we deal with this kind of change? it's not been as gradual as it is for most other couples. he said he started noticing it about a year or so ago, but in the past few months, it's been spiraling out of control. for me, i didn't notice (only in hindsight) until things really hit the fan a few months ago.

when i read things about marriage, the things i read say there are stages. but in everything i read, it always mentions the stage with kids at home. we skipped that stage. so what do we do now?

are there any publications about marriage that are geared to people without children and people who are never going to have children? i mentioned last night that perhaps we need to talk to a counselor, but we both admitted we're worried they'll tell us that we do need to cut ties, and neither of us wants to nor feels there's a reason to do so. i was thinking of talking to our minister, but i'm kind of angry right now and need to work through that i think.

how do we find other couples without kids who have been through this? how do we know if it's normal? how do we deal with this and get through it and grow from it?

I don't think a therapist would tell you to cut ties if that's not what you want. I think going to counseling would be a good next step. It sounds like you have a lot to work with in your marriage. Maybe you husband (and possibly you) need to explore what will give you fullfillment in life besides children. It sounds like it's more about what's going on with both of you individually, and if you worked on that, it might help your marriage. For me, friendship is a really important part of marriage, especially without kids in the house. You need to be communicating and talking with each other, and if you're not, it seems like a counselor could help you get that going. Definitely try that before giving up, it's so worth it. I think unless a marriage is horrible, it's worth holding on through times like this. When you're older you'll really appreciate having that long term continuity (at least, I think that, though don't know for sure).

This might sound like a woo-woo California suggestion, but it's serious. We got a hot tub, and it really is good for our marriage. You're just sitting with someone for a period of time, relaxing, and it's just a good feeling. Other things that have helped us are exercising, hiking, running, or biking together.

Good luck.

A site that might help you....

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thanks for your reply. we do exercise and run together, and that's been fun. it's nice to hear him say he's proud of me after a 10-mile run (gosh, i hate those runs though,lol). the hot tub idea is interesting, but i have panic attacks in water because of a childhood incident. even working with a therapist didn't help. although i am able to take baths now without xanax. but i do agree sitting and relaxing together sounds like a great idea. i'll try to bring up counseling again. i dont' want to push it though. but if the subject comes up again or if there's a good opportunity, i'll mention it. we do know 1 other couple personally that has been married a long time and never had kids (same circumstances as us actually), and we are considering talking to them. but that means making ourselves vulnerable to friends, and that's really scary. although i think it would be worth it.

thanks again. we definitely want to stick it out. we just want to know how to make it better.

Something that has helped us is to do the opposite. Take on something new or alter schedules enough to where you spend LESS time together. You'll have new things to talk about and a new source of positive energy to take back to the marriage.

It can be a tricky balance sometimes. I accidently took it too far a couple of years ago playing with a working band and it took some time for us to get to know each other again.

It sounds like everything is actually pretty good in this marriage (good sex, sharing interests & activities, working out, mutual love, neither wants to leave, etc.), but a waning of "spark" over time and a feeling of being dis-connected.

I like bassgrrl's suggestion - sounds like you're doing plenty together and maybe a little more individual interests would provide some new energy in the relationship. There's more to life than being a couple, and seems like a good way to take the pressure off.

Hi holles. We've been married 13 yrs this year. We went through a couple of really rough spots a few years ago - one was all me, one was all him (right about that 7 yr mark). I agree with bassgrrl and nosy about giving each other some space to do your own thing, feed your own soul in whatever way you do that, so you each bring something fresh to your time together.

One of the things we do is travel separately (not always). Mostly for weekend things - he goes to see his family without me. I've gone to visit friends without him. I've even been to Europe a few times without him. He was sent out of state with his job for two months last summer (no visits home, they worked 6+ days each week). At the end of his assignment, he actually had me drive to his location to pick him up so we could have a mini-vacation on the drive home.

I'd say try not to pressure yourselves so much into finding a solution, and maybe it will find you.

holles...I know from lurking around in the past that you and your hubby have struggled through years of infertility. My hubby and I have struggled through it as well. And I know from that experience the pain of it will eat away at your insides. It also can break down communication between you and your spouse. I don't know if that has happened in your case, but it in my case it did.

We got lucky though. A nurse at an infertility clinic gave us a name and number of a married couple who were couselors and who also personally went through infertility. They also didn't advertise. The only way to get their number was through referal. We have been seeing them for over a year and they have helped us tremendously. Our problems were mostly communication. I think a lot of problem in marriages are communication problems. And just a side note..one thing I have learned, watching TV is not spending quality time together. It doesn't strengthen the relationship. Proper communication....Loving communication is verrrry important. I would suggest seeing a couselor. You need to find the right counselor. That may be the tricky part. You may try to get a referal somehow from someone you trust.

Holles, I'm a newlywed, but this is my 2nd time around (and his). Our divorces from our exes weren't from lack of trying...there was substance abuse involved with his ex-wife and my ex-husband. I was married over ten years in my first marriage, and tried *everything* to get closer (before realizing that nobody gets between an alcoholic and his booze...it doesn't matter how hard you try!).

I would confide in your girlfriend from the couple you reference above. Vulnerability would probably be a good thing. It doesn't seem you'd have much to lose, and you might really deepen your friendship.

Also, try to make a larger proportion of your time together *alive*. Pursue your separate hobbies separately, go to classes, spend time with girlfriends and let hm do his thing with the guys. But when you are together at home, be really present; touch and hug and kiss each other often; talk about your day; play good music, give a massage or a foot rub, and don't have lots of deadlines on the days you've set aside for each other. Perceive the time you've set aside together as your luxurious "together" time.

I love vacations together...but not flying (flying, anymore, is SUCH a pain in the butt --- and so stressful, lately, that you need a vacation after you're done with your vacation!). Take a road trip together, maybe to see old friends who've moved a few states away. Stay in luxurious B&Bs and totally pamper yourselves...or plan *nothing*, pull off the road and stay at the Super 8 in some little town (wherever you happen to be when you get tired of driving), and have NO DEADLINES. Turn off your cell phones; leave your laptop at home. Get off the interstates and take the scenic routes. I've heard this called "shunpiking", and I have a massive reputation for it among my friends; I'm proud of it. Just watching the scenery go by together can be so relaxing.

Audiophile alert!!! If you or hubby are music fans, invest in an ipod and get one of those new-fangled decks for your car with the direct "audio in" jack (I got mine for $120 --- I was shocked, because I thought they'd be a lot more) so that you can have wonderful sound quality on the road. Load you favorite old CDs (and his) on the Ipod, sit back and listen, and just let the miles go by. I spent just $350 on an 80 GB Ipod; I've already got 7500 songs on there (some downloaded, but many from my CD collection), and I'm just getting started! Listening to tunes from your past, his past, or your shared past can be really powerful (at least it is for me...even though I'm a musician, a lot of this stuff seems pretty universal, from my experience).

Keep plugging!

Elise

bonsai, I love the ipod idea. I got one for DH for his last birthday just before we made a road trip to Cape Cod (mostly because I ddin't want to be hauling/changing CDs in the car all the time). Being able to load and listen to ALL of our music was great. Something about being in a car, great music, driving for 12 hours...