BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Catholicism A Sticky Situation...

I thought I'd post this problem here since I'm religious and this is where the problem starts. This is a relationship problem.

My fiancee and I have been together for two years at the end of this month, engaged for almost one. Both of us are religious--Christians, to be exact; I was raised Catholic--but we feel differently on different issues. One of these issues is really hurting us at the moment, and that is entertainment. My belief is that it's wrong to watch movies or play videogames with nudity/sexuality in them. Even sensuality or sexual humor makes me uncomfortable. However, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, says it doesn't affect the way he sees me, and he says he still only loves and sees me. His argument about the videogame thing is that it's "a computer-generated image" and that it means nothing. But to me, it makes me feel unattractive compared to what else is out there and being shown, and it makes me have low self esteem. For the past year we've had arguments on and off about this, to the point of almost breaking the relationship. Last night I was so exhausted of it, and said okay, go on with the videogames, but no movies. I took him to work (he works third shift) and he forgot something in my car so I drove back and got all upset again, to the point that he said he didn't want to do this to me. He said he'd buy a game today that was "good" in my standards and hopefully that'd fulfill his gaming need. The only problem now is that I think he might bring it up again. Like I said this has been happening for about a year now and other than this argument I think we'd be fine. I love him more than anything and he's the one I want to be with the rest of my life, but I just refuse to budge on the movie issue, and I really don't want to move on the videogame one, either. We have such a fun time together, I just don't want to see this relationship end. I even started to look up things we could do around our city today to see if we could get used to other types of entertainment to get our minds off of this subject. Has anyone here been in a situation similar or have any advice? I could really use it. Thanks for reading my long post.

One thing I've learned in life ... don't try to change people ... marry someone who is already the way want. Sounds like you have genuine feelings for him, but some of your basic principles are SO far apart.

I couldn't care less if my husband wants to look at naked ladies or sexual materials, seems perfectly natural to me. Assuming one has a healthy & active relationship I don't see a problem. I'm also curious about sexuality and the only things I think are "wrong" are those that really hurt someone and naked people don't fit into that category. As a grown woman I would find it EXTREMELY offensive if anyone tried to tell me I couldn't/shouldn't enjoy naked pics or sexual materials.

Dealing with the onslaught of commercialized images of female beauty and sexuality can indeed be hard to deal with, especially if we're not as confidant about our own beauty or sexuality as we'd like to be. However, it sounds like you're trying to force a fairly extreme position regarding images of female sexuality on your fianc� by giving him this "my way or the highway" ultimatum. Surely in a healthy relationship where both partners respect each other, he should be willing to listen to your wishes and honor them to the degree that he is comfortable with, and it sounds like he's trying to do exactly that. But it sounds like that this just isn't enough for you.

Perhaps what you should be doing is asking yourself why you find these images so upsetting? I have ethical issues with some of them myself, as does anyone who thinks clearly about the effects that the exploitation of female beauty and sexuality for commercial purposes have upon our youth. But it sounds like part of your problem with images of female sexuality isn't so much that you think it has a negative effect upon youth as it is that you personally feel threatened by any image of a woman who is more attractive than you are, even if that woman is a cartoon. And while it's certainly natural to feel less than confidant if your husband or boyfriend is constantly ogling other women, you shouldn't feel quite this threatened by it unless there's something else going on.

The fact that this issue has brought you to the point of considering a breakup of your relationship should be a big red flag to you that it's time to seek professional help. I would recommend seeing a therapist to discuss your issues with this and hopefully resolve some of them without resorting to threats of ending your relationship. If your fianc� truly values your relationship, he will be willing to work with you on finding a middle ground regarding what you perceive to be gratuitious sexuality, but don't expect him to put on a blindfold for the rest of eternity.

Above all, keep talking to him about your problems and your progress. If you look at him as your partner rather than as your opponent in this issue, you will be more likely to resolve things in a way that both of you can live with.