BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree Women

Snooks, I know what you're saying and you're right ... but didn't some smart guys also focus on acting cool and/or jerky to fit in as well? I don't think it's a female thing, I think most people (especially kids) in general just try to fit in.

Oh, of course guys could be jerky. And I'm not really saying that my problem was jerky girls. I just truly never felt comfortable around a lot of other girls my age - I just didn't fit in. Part of the reason being that many of my interests weren't interests held by other girls. Another reason being that I couldn't figure out how to act the way a lot of other girls acted.
I thought this was an interesting topic - and maybe there's something to be said about a connection between many (not all) women who don't want children and their overall personalities and relationships to other women.

Yes - I haven't met any mousy CF by choice women!

I do consider myself pretty independent. I mean, I've always been very adamant about being able to take care of myself (financially and otherwise).

Yet, I think what confuses people about me is that I appear very conventional�almost conservative. My husband and I live in an upper middle-class neighborhood and do a lot of the things that suburbanites do. I�m not artsy or very political (not them I�m not educated in those subjects�just that I�m not overly into them). I�m not much into shopping, yet I do like to wear nice, classic clothes and probably �appear� that I�m into that kind of thing.

So people are usually shocked when I tell them we don�t have kids by choice. They always assume it was because we couldn�t. We just so �look� the part! I have an assistant that often asks me about it because she just cannot believe that �someone like me� doesn�t want kids. When I asked her what she meant by that, she says, �Well, you just act so normal!� LOL!

Chaco...It is almost scary that you started this topic. I could have typed word for word what you posted. I am even 5 foot 1 and 110 pounds. I have been thinking a lot about this very issue lately. I was lying in bed thinking about it last night as a matter of fact. I have wondered if there was something wrong with me or if there were other women out there like me. I too am very independent and I too have been told that I am intimidating. I swear sometimes I am invisible in a group of women. I try to get in on the conversation and they don't even hear me or something. I don't know how to explain it. I have just always had a hard time making friends and it is not like I haven't tried.

Snooks...I am your neighbor. I live in Oklahoma, and I know what you mean about those girls. I am a city girl who ended up in a very small country town through high school. The girls were verrrry different there. I really didn't fit in, but I did my best to make it through those difficult teenage years. Those small town teenagers are wild. I wasn't wild like they were. My mom got remarried and moved to Texas the summer before my Senior year and so I lived alone through my Senior year and I didn't have 1 single party because I didn't want those idiot kids destroying my house. So it is safe to say that I was different. I was 17/18 years old living alone and didn't have 1 party and I never missed a day of school.

Chaco, I think you're right...us childfree women are more independent and bad [censored].

To be honest, I've always had difficulty making friends, especially with women...they can be very catty. For the most part, I get along better with men.

For the longest time, I was leery of groups of women. In high school, my best friend suddenly decided one day that she didn't want to be friends with me; suddenly, she and the group of girls we hung out with stopped speaking to me. Later, she suddenly decided she wanted to be friends again, but I refused. She had done that before - get mad at me suddenly and for no reason.

I do have a couple of close female friends. Most of the women here at work I get along with, but am not close to. Either they're younger or single, or older and have kids. Sometimes, I'm leery of hanging out with groups of women because the talk usually turns to kids, and then they start bugging me.

I've also tried to fitting in thing before and ended up miserable. Luckily, I've made friends through my hobbies, such as running, but I haven't had a close female friend around my age who lives near me in a long time. I do like to shop, but I also like running and road biking.

The one bad thing about female friends is they sometimes host those parties where you have to buy something; I've learned it's just better not to go there. I just ignore emails.

Sometimes I've wondered if something's wrong with me, but have decided, if people don't like me for who I am, it's their problem.

What the heck is normal anyway? And are the childfree supposed to look like space aliens or Cousin it?

I've always been headstrong and independent - I remember questioning a lot of things at an early age, including why women were supposed to have kids. I think my negative social experiences in high school, coupled with my nature, make me leery of groups sometimes. Outwardly, I'm like Jez the Puff - I wear classic clothes, live in a middle class section of town and would appear outwardly the type who would have kids.

FiddleDeeDee - yeah, growing up as a female in a small Southern town can be....interesting. I've always had a hard time bonding with a lot of other women - I just feel awkward. I don't do well with girly small talk. Which is strange because there are lots of girly things I like. I do enjoy shopping, getting pedicures, etc. But then again, I've got lots of other interests that many women I've met don't have - all things historical, old movies, news & politics...I've never enjoyed those parties (candles, lingerie, Southern Living, food, etc.) where you play silly games to win prizes and then purchase something from the party thrower. I'm also really okay with being alone....it's never been hard for me to spend days alone doing whatever interests me at the time. I've often wondered if I was just born this way or if the way my parents raised me has more to do with it. My parents were very strict and old fashioned...very pragmatic and practical.

An interesting topic, Chaco - and, judging by the replies, there does seem to be a noticeable trend!

For a long time now I've been comfortable with doing things my own way, regardless of whether or not my way fits in with other people's perception of what is "normal". As far as I'm concerned, if they don't like it, that's not my problem . I do think that letting go of preconceived ideas of what society expects of us can be very liberating. A few years ago I gave up a respected, very well paid professional job to go back to university and do a second degree in ancient history; not a very practical or "sensible" thing to do, perhaps, but I love it. Incidentally, this is something which I would almost certainly not be able to do if I had, or planned, children.

There is definitely a part of me that enjoys rebelling against the norm (although you probably wouldn't know it by looking at me). Being expected to do something only puts me off. I don't mean that deciding to be CF was a form of rebellion, though - just that, having made my decision, I rather like the feeling of following my own desire and not the crowd. I am also something of a loner and have always been happy to entertain myself. The loss of freedom, privacy and personal space which goes hand in hand with children would be intolerable to me.

It's wonderful to see so many other women with a similar outlook. My only CF friend turned into a parent last year, and although she is still very much the person she was before, it's not really the same anymore...