BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Fencesitter no more...

My fiance and I have been living together for over four years. Because we have chosen to prioritize improving our lives (getting out of debt, building careers, planning for our future) over getting hitched, I feel that I am looked at more as a "girl" and less as a "woman." We will eventually be formally married, but since we currently live as married without the paperwork, we are treated differently. And for some reason, it seems to be focused on me. I hear "Why aren't you married yet?" and "Why don't you two get married so you can start a family?" a lot more often than he does. The obvious implication is that I'm less than a woman without a ring on my finger and a baby on my hip. So it's more like layers of stigma.

The upside is I have gotten used to these prying questions. I think it has prepared me for what's coming. The baby questions will be getting more frequent in the coming years (when we are married and as I edge closer to 30), and thanks to experience with the meddlers I deal with now and inspiration from this fabulous forum, I'm ready! Those people may never see me as a true adult, but I WILL make them respect me anyway!

Do you think that women hear that kind of thing more often because we're expected to want marriage and kids, but once a man gets married, he's "tied down?"

Probably. A man is supposed to dread these things. Hence the phrases "settling down" (doesn't that sound dull and unwelcoming?) and "the old ball and chain" (who'd want to be married after hearing that from a long-married person?) A woman is supposed to want from life ONLY those things a man has been conditioned to view as far less than fun.

Funny thing is, our relationship does not feel as unconventional as people treat it. Two people in a long term, loving relationship does not seem that odd to me. I'm just surrounded by people who place more value on relationships sealed with paperwork and burdened with babies, I guess.

I'm just a little young thing, here, not yet 26. Is there something I don't get? Am I missing something?

Nope...

Myrabeth, just keep in mind: living well is the best revenge. And you get to define what "living well" means to you.

What could be better than that? Don't let anyone define you. It's up to you and your SO to define it all for yourselves.

Elise

I am also 26 - we have our whole lives ahead of us. I haven't accomplished nearly as much as I want - at this point, kids would be a burden even if I wanted them. More and more people I graduated with are having kids - they just seem SO young to me, like children playing house, while at the same time they seem SO OLD to me, too.

myrabeth, I lived with my now husband for over eight years. I experienced exactly what you have mentioned. Ironically, in the time that we lived together, we knew couples that met, got married, got divorced and then remarried--all before our wedding. Yet we could not get the respect (of relatives in particular)that a married couple received.

Do what works for you. Even though I am married I don't wear a ring and despite all of our lack of convention, I notice that the majority of the people I know really envy our relationship.

oh and the funny thing is we got married only after everyone shut up about it. Getting married is for you guys. Not so your parents can walk you down the aisle and get fancy photos.

Thanks, girls. I really like what you have to say.

Hey Myrabeth, Elise and Chaco,
Good points all. My girlfriend and I won't get married any time soon, if ever. Within the next month or two we'll be back to seeing each other on weekends. If we did get married, we have already decided on the type of wedding we'll have. Go to the county clerk's office and pay $20 for a marriage license. Take the money we save by not throwing a big party and take a trip on our own. We hate getting dressed up and don't want to buy dinner for 200 people. (or even 10 people)

I don't get too many questions about kids any more. Since I got snipped, I love telling the busy bodies that I took the necessary steps to stop a family!

Elise,
I agree 100 %. Living well is great revenge.
Yesterday I did a 45 min hike/ski outing(1200' of climbing to , 10,400') in the morning and after work I did a 1 hr 5 min bike ride (14 miles, 2000'+ of climbing to 9200' elevation). I ski as much as someone who works at a ski resort, but I work at a job that pays adequately and not a menial low paying job.
The links below are for two of the biking events I will do this summer.

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