BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New to forum, but not new to CF

Hi everyone! My name is Christa and I am soooooooo incredibly thankful to have found this forum! I am almost 27 and have been decidedly child free for a very longtime. I just know I do not have the want, will, or need to have children of my own. I like children, but only under certain circumstances. I tend to like those above 9 years of age- as a lot of my riding students are of that age. I'm very thankful to have my mother stand beside my decision and voices her want for me to be happy.

I've been with my BF for over a year now and we've been living together for several months. I have told him straight out that I do not want children and it is extremely doubtful that I will not want any in the future. I'm perfectly content with sharing my life with him and the dogs, birds, fish, and horse. He commended me on the rational explanation (all I'm sure you already are familiar with) for wanting to be child free and even felt that I would not make a good mother. I was not offended by that statement because I already knew that, LOL!

Alas, he explained to me that he is a fencesitter. A few years ago he was "certain" that he didn't want children, but now he's "softened" up a bit. He has two nieces, one is 4 and the other is 7. He adores them and I think they (along with his family) have encouraged him to think about having kids of his own. My BF will be 32 this year and makes it sound like his "clock" is ticking.

I'm torn up a bit. I feel like we really mesh on all the other important relationship subjects (politics, religion, location, etc) except this one. A few months ago he was talking about getting a V and two days ago he was thinking that having one child would be fun. He wants his nieces to come over and spend the night which is ok, but I feel a little saddled by his family that I am now an "aunt" to them and should share the same joy and fervor for them as they do. Sorry, I don't. Plus I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend, not everyone else. We're not married and I haven't made any contracts saying I would be an aunt to these two girls.

I'm at my wits end, because I feel like my BF and I can truly have a life together and would like to encourage that path, but it's in the back of my head that one day he'll just up and decide that having a child is more important than having me in his life. I feel like I'm "waiting" for something to happen even though it may not!

I hope that all made sense! I'm just torn to bits. I feel like I want to talk to him about how I'm starting to become resentful, but don't know how. His going back and forth is putting a strain on me and how I feel about the relationship.

I do want to point out that we met locally from an online dating website and my profile did say I do not want children. I sort of feel like he should have paid attention to this more!

Thanks for reading!

hello Christa!
The good thing is it sounds like you and your BF are being very honest with one another. In any relationship, there is always the chance that one partner could change their mind. I met my now husband in college and both knew we did not want kids. We dated for eight years and before we got married, I told him--if you have any doubts, TELL ME NOW, because i will call off the wedding. We got married and we are now 32 and 34. But I still worry that he will change his mind. And I think that he worries the same thing about me. There is not guarantee that we won't, no matter how hard it is to imagine!

I think you should not stress to much about it, until he is sure what he wants to do. It is okay to give it time. And have those nieces spend the night-let him see what it is like to have the kids in the house! That may help him with his decision one way or another. I am around the same age as your BF and though I am comfortable with my decision, it is difficult now-something about the mid-thirties-with everyone around you having kids, asking where your kids are, losing friends to kids, etc. This is likely what has caused him to be on the fence.

I am not saying wait for years and years. But he knows where you stand. Voice your concern to him and let him know that you care enough about him and the relationship to give it some time. Only you will know when the time has run out But don't feel you need to rush into settling down either.

Sorry you are going through this. He should have paid attention to your expressed CF profile. His softening sounds like typical wishy-washiness to me. He is romaticizing the idea of kids through his nieces and nephews. What if he had to deal with them all the time...when they aren't so cute?

I had a female friend who was always of the CF mindset. She got married and was about to hit 35, so she said she started to "soften" to the idea of just one kid (mostly due to mom pressure, I think). Well, she had one....hated every minute of the pregnancy...and she and her husband look at each other at night and think, "what in the hell did we do! we had a nice life!" It is rare to get someone to be that honest about it.

You aren't married, so you should just play it by ear. He may change his mind back....but don't do something that you will never be able to change (having a kid) and you may regret.

On another note, what kind of riding do you do/teach? I disagree that you would be a bad mom, b/c taking care of horses is like having a child....but I know lots of horsewomen who don't have kids....me included. Always seems that the sport suffers greatly when the kids show up.

Hi Chaco and PMO, thank you both for your replies!

Now that I've had a night to settle down a bit and even chatted with my mother about it, I do agree that my BF is probably romancing the idea of having a child. I do feel that his brother and his parents have a lot to do with influencing his thoughts toward raising a child. I voice my opinion about how I feel about my own need to be childfree, but try my darnedest not to lead him. Of course, living with me and being with me, there is no way that I won't have some kind of influence on him with living CF. I honestly feel he is confused. His only response to the question of "why have kids?" is that it seems like the next life step or the right thing to do. That is not a good answer to me as it only follows what society/family/etc is telling him to do, not what HE wants to do.

I am his first longterm relationship (and he is mine) so we're still trying to "feel" each other out. I believe that he has a lot of outside pressure coming in (like you described, Chaco).

I just have to play it cool, LOL! I definitely will not have a kid just to make him happy because I know I will resent it. And that is not fair to the child. But I will show him that being childfree is a plausible way of life- as we know a fair amount of childfree couples of all ages who are so content and manage to do all the things we aspire to do, like travel.

PMO- I generally teach western horsemanship, but my specialty is focusing on riders who have lost confidence and/or have fears with riding. I too also know quite a few horsewomen without children and that always made me happy with my decision. And oh boy, are horses a lot of work! I'm more than happy to give my horses shoes and me go without. That's the life and love of being horsemoms! But my BF knows I'm a great animal mom


Thanks for reading my rant. I just want us to have the best relationship possible (who doesn't?) I just feel that this topic is huge and I wasn't sure how to address it (again)!