BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Catholic and Not Having Kids

My husband is Catholic; I'm not. In my religion, the use of birth control is ok; in Catholicism, it's not allowed. We attend services at his church and volunteer to help with special events occasionally. We have been together for almost 8 years (married for 2). People are beginning to wonder why we don't have at least 1 child.

How can I deal with this subject with regard to the church members? I don't want to slip and say something offensive when we are questioned.

His church is very "old school" and you are looked down upon if you don't have kids and are pittied if you can't. If they ever found out that I use birth control, it would create a big stink.

What should I say?

I don't see this as a single person issue. It applies to you both. Your husband should be able to step up to the plate and say, "WE use birth control" if the need to say anything at all arises.
You may be swallowing the pills, I get the impression you aren't doing it behind his back. Therefore, it is as much his choice as yours. Being that his church and his faith are the issues at hand, I'd say that it is his place to say something if the two of you decide something must be said.
Hopefully, he will not be forced into admitting that you two have chosen contraception. If you guys want to be coy about it, and just side step the questions, this forum is loaded with sweetly sassy lines to throw back at people who are asking about your lack of babies.

I agree, provided that birth control was a mutual decision between you and your husband, the fact that you are taking these measures is nobody else's business. Neither is why you're not having kids. When somebody asks, just say "we will, when the right time comes."

A couple answers like this will make people stop asking.

If the truth be known, I bet there are a lot of catholics who use birth control. It is just all hush, hush. I am not catholic, but I am a christian and live in the bible belt and I know what it is like in church with all the pressure to have kids. It is noone's business, but your own. Your church congregation is not going to personally raise your child. You and your husband will have that responsibility. It is your life and your future, therefore it is your decision. I personally believe that God does not care one way or the other if you decide to have a child or not. Christians like to tell people that God wants us all to have kids. I don't believe that is true. I believe that is our choice and God is behind us whether we have them or not.

I like GloriaJeans' response. It's an honest answer, but it leaves the door open for the "right time" to never come.
If you're at church, you could add "God willing" to the end of that reply. I think most people would be happy with that answer. Let them interpret your response however they like.

There are a huge number of "cafeteria Catholics" out there (i.e., those who just ignore the tenets of the religion with which they don't agree, and take the rest). Some use birth control; most eat meat on Fridays; many only make their Christmas and Easter "duties" (i.e., don't get to church except at those times of the year); some don't believe that communion is *literally* the body and blood of Christ (but instead only believe that it is symbolic); many believe that women should be allowed ordination; and some don't even seem to believe in the alleged infallibility of the Pope, or only partially so.

My ex-husband was an ex-Catholic, and his parents were still practicing Catholics --- so I got a lot of exposure to the religion during my marriage to him.

It never ceases to amaze me how many many people out there call themselves Catholics who believe in only a tiny percentage of the tenets of the religion. If they dropped the list of things they don't believe in, they'd most likely be utterly comfortable as Episcopalians (and even about 80% of the liturgy is the same). But most won't even consider it.

Sissy...all I can say is, you have my sympathy.

Elise

Elise, I have to agree with you completely! I am Lutheran and my husband is Catholic. He has absolutely no interest in changing religions simply because he likes the long-term history behind Catholicism and that is how he was raised. His parents are very active in the church and I'm surprised at how much they *Don't* agree with. I too agree that they'd be a better fit for the Lutheran religion yet for some reason, they just wish I'd become a Catholic and disregard the things that I disregard.

Sissy, I think if you feel uncomfortable you should keep your family decisions private. After all, they are yours to share should you choose. I think it's too forward of people to question the reasons why you and your husband do not have children. If you are questioned just politely let them know that it's a sensitive subject and you'd really rather not get into it. Hopefully they will understand and not take offense. I don't think you have to make up a story to appease their curiosity.

My parents are observant Catholics, mass every Sunday, same for my brother and I growing up, even went to Catholic school through fourth grade.

However, I have ONE brother. Just one.
And I remember when I was about 13, my mom had a minor operation they didn't go into much detail about with us kids.

Tell me they didn't use birth control? LOL!!

Cindy

Sissy -

This kind of thing just makes me absolutely crazy. I try to respect everyone's religion, but I have WAY too many "Catholic" acquaintances who a) use birth control, b) have had abortions, c) live with a boyfriend/girlfriend (without telling their parents) d) lie to their parents, e) have homosexual friends, f) get divorced, f) have children out of wedlock, etc. (All of which I have NO problem with, but the Bible frowns upon.)

And then they go to church every Sunday because they are "good Catholics" and they might not get into heaven if they don't go to church every week and put lots of money in the collection box. Some of these friends also have the nerve to "preach" to me or "gasp in horror" when I mention things that are frowned upon by the Catholic church, like if I say there is no hell (I am NOT a Catholic!) My husband's parents think he's going to hell because we weren't married in a Catholic church and didn't get permission from the bishop (but they say I'm not going to hell because I'm not Catholic, I'm okay ... explain that one to me.)

SO ... if I were asked that question, I would be very honest and say WE ARE USING BIRTH CONTROL. Let them gasp all they want, most of them are hypocrites in some way. You are a productive member of that church, you are a good person, and it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. You're not hurting anyone or affecting anyone but yourself, so it shouldn't matter to them.

I'd probably also throw in something about how they are contributing to AIDS by not giving out condoms in Africa. (I've mentioned before that I'm really good at finding people's buttons and then pushing them.)

Don't worry, though, because some future Pope will change the rules, just like all the other rules that were changed because they had to keep up with the times. You know, like admitting that Galileo was right and the Earth actually DOES revolve around the Sun. When did they finally apologize about that? 1992?

...or going back to a married priesthood (which they had for a very long time, but decided to change in order to look chaste and pious after having been discovered selling indulgences?).

The sheer low numbers of new priests coming out of seminaries might cause it to happen sooner than it might otherwise have. I've already heard about the Catholic church allowing some Episcopalian priests who are already married to change over to being Catholic priests while remaining married. How's that for logic? If it's wrong, it should be wrong across the board, should it not?