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I used to think I wanted to be pregnant when I was much younger (like, when I was a little girl, even...in sort of the same way I wanted to be a princess, at about the same age!). Now I think it was just that I wanted the attention that pregnancy brings to a woman(talk about shamefulness: for me, it was about the "fragile female/rescue fantasy/women and children first" point of view).

I grew up to be 6' tall, affectionately called "Amazon" by my high school classmates, and having transcended such fairy-tale points of view. Needless to say, while I can be pretty girly on special occasions, I'm fairly tomboy as my default persona on a day-to-day basis.



The breastfeeding thing always appealed to me (I remember having to explain to my little niece, who was 5 or 6 at the time, that just because a woman has breasts, that doesn't mean she is, or necessarily ever will be, a mother --- if so, I'd be in trouble, being a bit more endowed than I'd prefer in terms of having to lug "the girls" through this life! If her theory proved true, I'd have 5 or 6 kids by now!). Having an adult child appeals to me, as well (although I get a *huge* proportion of that through my students...I cry when my favorites graduate from the high school where I teach music, and I feel like almost an auntie with some of them).

But the parenting of the young child (and by young, I mean pre-adolescent)? Yes, there would be some highs, I'm sure...and a huge number of mind-numbing lows, as well, in addition to lots of boredom. Primarily, there would be a huge loss of control (I've heard parents say that being a parent is like having your heart leave your body --- and at that point, you have very little control over what happens to it ever again, because its wellbeing is contingent upon the choices of one's children).

To me, listening to parents (of young children, mostly; parents of older children seem much more realistic and less manic in their blissed-out-ness --- must be less sleep deprivation) talk about parenting is almost like listening to a committed drug user talk about an LSD trip or a heroin high. Fun in spots, maybe; transcendent in its occasional joy; but mostly about the hangover and having to deal with its aftermath, and ALL about loss of control. As ungenerous as it sounds, it makes me think "This person is a stress junkie". No, thanks...

Elise

Also, Frieda...

Your husband's being an artist is a big deal. Artists and other creative people tend to have fewer children because they a) already have a creative outlet and b) generally tend to make less money. Both aspects make being CF a great choice --- if it's the one you two arrive at.

Elise

Frieda, My husband and I chose to not spend too much money. We only did 1 IUI cycle, everything else was just testing. Of course you have to understand that I am frugal when it comes to that sort of thing. There was a nurse at the clinic that was wonderful and she gave us the name and # of a married couple who were therapists. This couple did not advertise and they went through infertility personally and they adopted their kids. The only way to get in to see these therapists was through referral. Bingo...It helped us tremendously.

I feel so much more free now. Since I gave up the charting, thermometers, and ovulation predictor kits. Watching the calendar and counting days is soooo freaking stressful. I love to be free from that. And now that I am, I can look around and take things in with a clear mind. It is refreshing. I listen to the ladies I work with (who all have children) and I don't like what I hear. I don't want their lives. I come to work and talk about all the great things I get to do and they respond with "oh, well I can't do that with my boys/girls".


OH IT IS GREAT TO BE FREE....

"Financial. My husband is 50 and an artist, and most of the regular income comes from me. I love my job...work freelance at home, and would miss it if I had to stop. I would constantly be feeling torn, because I wouldn't want to let someone else raise my kid. Husband would probably need to get a regular job, and completely change who he is. We already are behind in saving for retirement, and would be much worse off if we had a kid."

I think that this is a major area to be concerned about. First, are you absolutely sure you want to change your lifestyles to such an extent? There could be some resentments down the line that you both had to give up a lifestyle that you so enjoyed.

Second, you did not state your age, but does your husband REALLY want to start having children at 50? This means that he'll be dealing with teenage issues when he is in his mid-60's, and retirement will need to be put off until you get your young adult off to college. It's really going to be almost impossible to amass the level of savings that you will need to retire comfortably and raise a child. Childcare in California is $1,000 to $1,400/mo., and that is just the tip of the iceburg in expenses that go into raising a child.

You have to look at children as a long range goal (not just as cute little babies) and when you start having them so late in life, it is my humble opinion, that your retirement years, which should be scaling down, can turn into a pure nightmare.

I was 45 when I was going to adopt and the thought of raising a teenager in my 60's is one of the reasons I decided against it.

Just something to think about.

My story is similar FiddleDee. I also NEVER wanted children, however around the age of 42, I got this crazy notion, that I better have a child before it was too late. So, me and my partner set out on this crazy quest to conceive. Come to find out that I had so many issues that I would never conceive and ultimately had to have a hysterectomy.

Next, I moved on to adoption and was just about to adopt a little girl when I met another woman who had also adopted from Ethiopia. At this point I was coming to my senses and realized that I never wanted kids and there was a reason for that. Well, I babysat for a couple of months for this woman, when it became apparent that I was definitely NOT mother material.

I then gave up all notions of motherhood and I've never been more happier in my life. It would have been a MAJOR mistake for me to become a mother and I am sooooooooo glad I realized it before I ruined a innocent child's life and my own.

Yes, I agree completely. Those issues are all huge factors in why we are deciding it's probably not a good idea for us. I guess it's a question of being ruled by your brain, or by emotions/hormones/peer pressure. The brain ruled out so far.

Ironically, a lot of my friends are not as well off financially as us, and even knowing our ages and employment situation, still tell us we should go for it. They say that "you just make it work." Well, I guess we're not willing to take that leap of faith that it would somehow work out.

Yes, Frieda, many of my friends told me the same thing: "it will all work out." "God will provide." One woman in the adoption group I belonged to, who barely knew me, told me: "just go ahead and do it."

Luckily, I did not give in to peer pressure or emotions and used my brain and knew that at my age of 47 starting a family would be too much for me and more than likely would send me over the edge. Going through the change of life is enough to do me in, but having a child to raise would have sealed my fate. LOL!

Only you and your husband know what is best for you and in the end will make the decision that is the most prudent. I've been there and no how confusing this all can be.

Best of luck.

God will provide! I love that one.

We knew someone once who went wading in an extremely polluted river with a huge open wound on her leg for a trash-pick up event. When we asked her why she was doing that, she said "God will protect me." She still has her leg, so I guess she was right!

Sometimes when I say I don't want children, people respond with "well, people are having babies later and later. You have a long time to decide." To which I reply, "I don't want to have a baby when I'm 40."

I think people tend to focus on how yes, you CAN have a baby when you're 45 now! and don't think about how they'll be of grandparenting age when the child turns 18.

I really think that when people decide to have children, they only think of the CHILDREN and not the teenaged and adult years. I mean, who says, "god, I can't WAIT to have a teenager!"

Wow, that is really serious. She could have easily lost of leg. I don't know leaving it to God to provide for me and my child is a little iffy for me, but many people do believe.