BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids You've had a big impact

I was scheduled to go get artifically inseminated (with my husband's sperm) today, and cancelled the appointment. We've been working toward this for many months, but all along I've had misgivings.

Like all of you, I get so much pressure (encouragement?) from family and friends to "just go for it! No one is ever really ready! You just have to do it and you'll love it!" There are a few people who have been more realistic about what it's like, but not many.

I just found this site a short time ago, and after reading a lot of the posts, I've realized my reasoning for trying to get pregnant is flawed. Last night I admitted my fears to my husband, and we talked a lot. We decided to at least put it off until I talk to a therapist OR give up on it completely.

A few of my misgivings are due a lot of complicated feelings that I now know others share from this forum. A few specifics that really affected our decision are:

� Knowing ourselves well enough to know that we would not cope well if something went wrong, like the child was autistic or disabled. Or, even just miscarriage. If I got that far in the process, I know I would get all caught up in it emotionally. I am generally a pretty happy person, and don't want to lose that to depression.

� Financial. My husband is 50 and an artist, and most of the regular income comes from me. I love my job...work freelance at home, and would miss it if I had to stop. I would constantly be feeling torn, because I wouldn't want to let someone else raise my kid. Husband would probably need to get a regular job, and completely change who he is. We already are behind in saving for retirement, and would be much worse off if we had a kid.

� Environment. I work at home and only drive my car about once a week. We live in a rural area, and people here with kids drive so much with trips back and forth to school and activities.

� Childcare. We have no family support nearby. Every break we wanted we'd have to hire someone. I hate managing employees, so would not like that part of it.

And so on and so on. We love our lifestyle the way it is, and don't really feel like we're missing something. As we got closer I was trying to imagine at different times of the day what I'd be doing right now if I had a kid. Nothing seemed better than what I was already doing.

Thanks everyone for helping me feel like I'm not alone in this decision. It does challenge my sense of "womanhood" to never have a kid, but that doesn't make sense. I've realized it's more about comparing myself to others, and being insecure about my place in society than what's really inside me. I'm embarrassed to admit I was one of those who did want the pregnancy/breastfeeding experience. But I'm realizing it's just not worth it. I still will probably feel pangs of jealousy when reuniting with old friends and hearing about all their kids. Not sure why I feel that way...still exploring these things.

By the way, is anyone else who goes back and forth like me a Libra?

Wow frieda7, you're in the middle of some pretty big decisions. I hope you feel good about your decision either way.

I also used to look forward to being pregnant & breast feeding, but really, once I decided to remain CF I really got over and am ok. I don't feel embarassed about it at all. Just figure it's something some people go through.

I don't consider someone any "less" of a woman because they haven't had kids. I feel like women can contribute to society in many ways, and some of those can be as challenging as having children. I've never been a real "girly girl" (I was a tomboy growing up) and a baby on the hip does not complete the picture of a woman, for me at least.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding are temporary, but a child is forever, good or bad.

Cindy

And another thing. It bugs me to see women defined by their childed status. For example, you'll hear a headline on the news or on the internet: "Dallas mother receives major award", even if it has nothing to do with her children. Why can't it just be "Dallas woman receives major award"? I don't know, that just bugs me every time I hear it. Women should be defined by themselves, not whether or not they have children.

Cindy

Wow from me too frieda7. It's hard for me to imagine that a forum could have that much impact on someone's life... but I'm glad that reading on this forum has helped you out and/or made you think.
I hope that this website helps more people realize that having a child is now a CHOICE, and everyone needs to be sure that they make the right choice for them. Kids aren't for everyone, and it's okay to admit that you like a childfree lifestyle.
I wish you and your husband all the best and hope you make the best choice for your life.

Frieda -

Whatever choice you make, as long as it is what you and your husband want, then it is the right choice! And please don't be embarrassed about wanting the pregnancy/breastfeeding experience. It's definitely not for some people, but there is nothing wrong if you do want that experience.

Good luck with your decision.

Frieda, your story sounds a lot like mine, but with a twist. I have never told my story on this board because it is very long and a bit confusing. But just imagine your story and add this:

I am 34 and my husband is 47. We have been married for 7 years. When we first got married the thought of children was the furthest thing from our minds. No way did we want children. Of course people told us that we would regret it and I started to think about it and I felt like I was missing out on something huge in life if I didn't experience motherhood. Basically all of those things that you described. So in June 2004, we stopped using birth control and decided it was time to start a family. Well, guess what? Month after month went by and nothing. Finally in March of 2005 we found out I was pregnant and then in April I miscarried. It was heartbreaking to say the least but we moved on and continued to try. Again, month after month nothing happened. So we went to see the best fertility specialist in the city and they ran every test there is and they could not find anything wrong with us. Still to this day we are Infertile and it has now been almost 3 years. We gave up about a year ago. We don't even want a child anymore. We can't make that decision to have children because we are infertile. When you lose that control, it does something to you that is hard to explain. It took me a long time to grasp that. I think the only reason we tried to get pregnant in the first place was because of peer pressure. Because we never wanted children to begin with.

I sure hope my story does not sound like a big contradiction, because I know it sounds confusing. That is why I have never told it. Until now.

Much like mine also. Used to want kids, tried, didn't work, they couldn't find anything wrong, did some fertility stuff, nothing, disappointed, then got sick of it. Eventually decided that more trying and infertility efforts just weren't worth it. Even though more extensive fertility treatments would most likely work and I was still young enough I decided I didn't want to (jeesh - am probably still young enough if I REALLY wanted to try - but I don't!!!).

I imagine a lot of people have kids due to peer pressure. Everyone around them having kids, telling them how wonderful it is, how they're missing out on the best thing ever. Even if they didn't want kids that much, they get so much pressure from everyone that they finally cave and have a kid, and join into pressuring their remaining childfree friends!

Cindy

Oh Thanks FiddleDeeDee. I really appreciate hearing your story, and although it is a contradiction, I can relate! I've been putting my husband through the ringer with all this fertility stuff. We haven't gone through huge amounts of money with it yet, because we were trying not to force it too much if we could get away with it. But still, it's been a lot of preparation, tests, driving 45 minutes to the clinic every time my cycle commands it. Yet the whole time we're thinking, "What a hassle, but this is nothing compared to what happens if it works." So far it hasn't, and maybe that is a good thing. We could easily spend $10K or more going the routes that are more guaranteed, but just feel very weird spending so much of our nest egg or going into debt for something that will still cost more as it progresses, and keep me from being able to earn as much money as I do now.

I feel thankful you wrote that, because I always thought other people who go through the fertility clinic processes must really want a baby badly. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who's just going through the motions and not really feeling it.