I want to hug every single one of you!
I'm a 40 yr old woman in a committed relationship.
I have been struggling with the 'kids vs. no kids' issue for my entire adult life!
I am seeing a therapist weekly, my major topic being my struggle with the decision not to have children. It eats at me daily and I have been suffering terribly. EVERYONE around me is having or has had children and I feel like an outcast, so lost...
I stumbled upon this site as I was "googling" the topic 'deciding not to have children�; just to see what sort of help/advice I could get though books/clubs, etc.
You don't know how relieved I am to be reading your comments! Honestly, I have been feeling so alone, like a freak of nature for not wanting to have children.
My decision is based on a number of factors that I can share with you:
1) I suffer from chronic depression (which is under control with medication) and I am also hyper-sensitive (light, noise, smell, etc) (which I can�t do much about). I know that I don't have the strength or patience to raise children
2) We are already overcrowding and killing this beautiful planet of ours and I just don't understand how people want to keep procreating - my goodness! Just adopt! How many babies and children are in need of Parents and love? Are you that narcissist that you need to have "your blood" running around? That's not real love to me.
3) I�m afraid of what I see -- children not being taught respect: Parents letting children do what they want to do, eat what they want to eat, behave like they feel like behaving, with absolutely no respect for anyone else around them; Parents who take their children with them EVERYWHERE they go! What is that about???
The scariest thing, is that because they are not being taught respect, it means that they are not learning self-respect � Paris Hilton? As a ROLE MODEL? She is an attention-seeker whose acceptance and worship reads like: Hey, it�s okay to go partying in clubs at the age of 14, to do coke to stay thin, to dress like a hooker and to act like one too! It�s okay to get away with all sorts of bad behaviour because you�re famous and �in�. What a sad state.
Children are getting sexually active when they are 10, even younger. They are overweight take things for granted, are overindulged by their Parents! They talk back! How is that acceptable? OUCH! I can feel the sting of the slap and the taste of the Sunlight soap on my tongue!
Why the heck would I want to bring a child up in this world and have to fight against all this �accepted� and �normal� behaviour? It breaks my heart.
My Parents (my father, the bread winner, my mother the stay-at-home-mom for her 2 children) never allowed the sort of behaviour that I see today. NEVER, EVER. If we wanted to sit with �the adults�, we had to behave, this included going to restaurants! There is NO WAY, that we could scream or RUN AROUND a restaurant, or my Parents� friends� dining table! If that happened, my father would take us outside and give us a choice: behave or we go home � but he NEVER yelled at us in public! (Or even at home as a matter of fact � he did raise his voice a few times, but I remember we deserved it!). We were not taken to weddings, or funeral, or cocktail parties until my younger brother was 12 (even so, cocktail parties, never). What happened?
When �adults� were talking, we had to keep quiet until it was our turn to speak, or else go play away from them. Today, whenever I�m at a dinner and there are children, IT�S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN! They are allowed to interrupt with screams and loud toys that they bang on our legs or heads, without the Parents saying a thing, my partner and I can never have a real conversation with our friends anymore. ARGHHH!
And speaking of playing, once my brother and I were done playing, we had to put away our toys. What happened to that?! I am shocked whenever I enter someone�s home and all I see are bright primary colours peppering the home! Toys, crayons, etc, everywhere!
Also, my Parents never stopped being a couple. Every Friday they went on a date. Once a year, they went on vacation �� deux�. The �family� vacation was a separate vacation in the summer time. And please don�t come back to me and say: �Oh, but todays� Parent is so exhausted!� � We can�t afford a vacations� (it doesn�t mean you have to book a trip to the Orient or Paris -- it�s about getting away, AS A COUPLE, even if at a cheap motel for a long weekend). �Today�s Parent doesn�t have time for cleaning up, for cooking a decent nutritious meal, for fixing themselves up� Really.
So my father working 6 days/week at least 10 - 12 hour/day and my mother working as a full-time mom AND volunteering AND sewing AND cooking AND cleaning AND, AND, AND was NOT exhausting? Sorry, but my Parents did it. What argument will I hear now? �Yes but your mother stayed at home, and times weren�t like they are now�� Okay, so now you mean to say that for those women who have the option of staying at home, it is NOT considered a full-time job, when that�s all we hear?!
What IS the excuse? AND if it�s so exhausting and you have no time for yourself, etc., THEN DON�T HAVE CHILDREN! It�s that simple as that, and if it�s too late because you do, learn to live with your decision and STOP BUGGING US!
People keep asking me over and over again: �How come you don�t have children? When will you have children? You would make such a great mother! What are you waiting for? You know, my sister-in-law/cousin/colleague, etc had children in their forties! You can always adopt�. Bla, bla, bla, etc. etc. etc.� My all time favourite is: �How come you don�t have children, you don�t like them?� To which I usually answer, depending on my mood: �Actually I LOVE children, had one for dinner last night served with a nice little cabernet-sauvignon�.
I don�t like children� what a load of phoey! Of course I like children! I love all living creatures! I love animals (I�ve been rescuing them since I was a little girl), I love plants, I am actively involved in the environment, I am changing careers to help the needy, etc. It�s not a question about not liking children, it is about making a well-thought out choice, for my own personal reasons, and that�s it! It is no one�s business but my own.
I see headlines everyday such as this: MOTHER JAILED FOR LEAVING TODDLER IN CRIB FOR THREE DAYS (just came out today), and I hear all the horror stories of what Parents do to their children, and I�M called selfish because I choose not to have children??? Okay.
�OH! But children change your life!� Yes well, I like my life as it is and I don�t have the motherly instinct - leave me alone!
�I thought I loved my husband until my children came along � now I really know what love is!� Yes, Honey, but what you forgot to mention is that your husband is abusive towards you and is a jerk. I love your children more than your husband as well! Funny how my friends who say this, all have husbands who turned into jerks (cheating, aggressive, absent, etc.)
Why do Parents ALWAYS try to convince you to have children? The people I admire the most are those who say: �I love my children, but think long and hard before having them because it really does change your life�. To this I say: Thank you for your honesty.
Anyway, THANK YOU ALL for enduring my long rant, however, this is the first time I have been able to express myself freely without having the feeling of hurting anyone�s feelings (like Parents hurt those of us who�ve chose not to have children, perhaps? Hmmm).
I feel that I will make new friends here and I look forward to joining this group and participating in a variety of topics.
Boy, I feel soooooo good now. 
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It feels good to know you're not alone...
