BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Pregnancy/birth problems

I have a pair of friends who had their first child in June 2004. He was 2 months early because the mom suffered preeclampsia and had an emergency c-section. He spent 2+ months in the hospital. Luckily, today he is not only fine (he never had any physical or developmental problems) but he is actually ahead of his age group - which, really, would be kids 2 months older than him.

My friend just gave birth yesterday, March 8, to her second child. It was due in mid-May. The baby girl is 2 pounds, 1 ounce. I don't know for sure, but it sounds like my friend suffered preeclampsia again.

Now I ask you, why on earth would you attempt to have another child after the first one had complications? And yes, he's fine, but HOW LUCKY were they that he doesn't have any problems? Yes, you don't always get preeclampsia with a second pregnancy. But I don't understand why people take the risk. Not just for themselves, but to have the birth occur so early ...

I really feel sorry for them in this traumatic time, but I am just thinking in the back of my mind ... what did you expect?

That's like my other friend. Her first child went blind when he was about 3 months old. Turns out that she and her husband both carry a rare, recessive gene that causes this particular genetic disorder that results in blindness and deafness. He is now 3 years old, but they still think there is a risk for him to go deaf as well.

She is expecting her second child in April.

I really, really don't understand it. From what she's told us in the past, her chances of the child having the genetic disorder are really good.

Didn't the doctors advise these girls not to get pregnant again?

I feel awful for the children, especially the 3-year-old whose parents are going to be at the hospital with his baby sister for the next 2+ months. I'm guessing a 3-year-old isn't allowed in ICU.

I don't understand ... if anyone does, please let me know.

I understand it. It's incredibly disgusting, but I understand it. The parents wanted another chid. They didn't care about the risks to the child. They wanted it. So they did it. It's the height of selfishness.

That's just it, isn't it? Selfish. Like the guy who used to work here - they had four kids, with the fourth, the wife had serious back problems (bed rest) and was advised NOT to have any more kids b/c she could end up paralzyed. So what did they do?? That's right ... they had numbers five and SIX! What the ???? Oh, he was going to get snipped after #5 (as a "gift" to his wife) but "never got around to it.. hahahaha" (yeah, that's REAL funny). Oy, some people!! In the meantime, they are another one of these SAHM families that just scape by. They live in one of the best school districts/neighborhoods in the area but their kids wear garage-sale/hand me down clothes and look dirty. There is nothing wrong with used clothing, but I can't imagine making these girls go to school in a very clothes-/class-conscious area wearing old clothes. I just feel horrible for them. The youngest ones are still to little to realize it, but the oldest is 13. I can't imagine how embarrassed she must be (well, yes i can b/c i've been there). To me, THAT's selfish. They could live in a less expensive area, the schools are just as good and the kids wouldn't stand out as much. But THEY are hung up on living in a particular area just so they can say that's where they live.

I know a couple like this. Their son, who is now 5, was born almost 3 months early. This poor little boy will never walk, sit upright on his own, eat a meal (feeding tube for life), or use the toilet. All of his defects are physical. He's as smart as a whip, but he'll never be able to speak coherently. He can't do anything at all on his own.

His parents are trying to have another baby. How on Earth are they going to handle a severely disabled child, and a newborn? As awful as this sounds, I can't help but think that they're just trying for a "normal" baby. One they can be proud of, instead of pitied for.

Wow...

That is so scary. See, this is just another reason ... I don't want to take risks like that. ANYONE can have a child with a problem. It's really not that uncommon. Plus, the way they are "diagnosing" all kinds of things like ADD, ADHD, and autism - just about everyone has a kid with some sort of disability nowadays. And kids are expensive enough when they are healthy!

I can understand that your acquaintences would want a "normal" child. After all, who gets pregnant thinking, "it doesn't matter if my child is born severely brain damaged." No matter how much parents love their child, I can only imagine the disappointment they feel when their child is born with some kind of problem. I guess it's hard to live out your "dream" of having a child when it's such a struggle. Like my husband says about why he wants kids, he always saw his life that way. Who sees their life with a wheelchair-bound or Down's syndrome child?

My friends with the blind child have forked over so much money for specialists - the boy has all kinds of occupational therapists and he's only 3. I can't imagine how mom and dad are paying for this, as neither of them make very much money. I'm sure their insurance company is paying a lot, but then doesn't their insurance expensive? I don't know.

People do care for diabled children and other kids and some do it well. i work wiht teenagers with severe cognitive and physical disabilites most are in wheel chairs, most cannot speak due to cognitive delays, two are deaf, one is blind, they have behavior issues, and most are in diapers. I love my students and I honestly dont feel pitty for htem becuase pitty does nto help anyone and I feel it hurts. I am a staunch disability rights advocate and have worked with people with disabilities at all levels of functioning from normal cognitve funcitons, to my current students who are at a4 month to 2 yr old range roughly at 15-21 yrs. Despite my love for my students and my feeling that there lives are absolutely meaningful I have one family that truly disturbs me. They have three children. The first sone has a severe disability causing profound mental retardations, tremors, physical problems, gastro intestinal issues etc. He does not speak, is totally independent for ADLs, and needs help walking The diseas is a rare genetic condtion. The family had a second child a daughter who is not affected. Then they had a third child a boy who is also in my class and is affected although very slightly better of then his brother. These boys will never progress beyond a 4-6 month old developemtnal level. Their mother works hard for them and loves them but I cant help but wonder why did she do this? Seh also does not want her daughter to go to college where she got a full scholarship, they are dirt poor, becuase she needs help with the boys.
I also have to add that I dont think ANYONE should have a child without considering the possibility that the child will have a severe disabilty, its rare but it happens. Peopel believe that if you get prenatal screening and eat right everything must be fine, not necesarily so. Most of my students parents did not know about the disabiltiy until after the childs birth. Several children where disabled due to lack of oxygen during labor. I was disgusted when a friend of mine asked me if I did not think that my students should be "euthanized." She is a mother. I asked her what if her daughter Ella had been born like one of my students, her response was she did not drink and ate right so that could not happen to her. Not true, it can happen to anyone. I truly feel badly for my students parents because I know so many people blame them for their children's disabilities when it is not thier fault. I should also add I am pro choice but not everything can be detected wiht ultrasounds, there are no guarantees.
I actually feel taht if I did adopt I might choose a child with disabilties as I feel I could handle it better then most and that these kids do deserve love and affection as much as anyother children. Working with them has taught me though that parenthood is not always what you expect it do be.
Also Mephistophole you are so right about the "normal child" I have lots of parents who once they got the normal kid put the disbaled child in a group home and never visit. I have no problem with them using group homes, but they cant visit their own child a few times amonth. One family lives a few blocks from their sons home and has not seen him in 3 years!
Sorry this was so long.

That is absolutely terrible. I can't believe someone would say that.

It astounds me that people who already have a special needs child would even CONSIDER having another biological child. Life is hard enough for people with no disabilities, and to consider having a child when there is a good chance that the baby will have physical challenges is very selfish and maybe even cruel. If they want to have another kid.. why don't they adopt?
Don't they have enough to keep them busy with their first child who needs extra attention/assistance?
I just don't get it.

That is disgusting and immoral. It is the height of selfishness. They don't have the best interests of the potential child at heart...only their own selfish drive to procreate. Why would you doom a child to a life of blindness or medical problems when there are literally millions of babies alive, healthy, and already on earth waiting for a home? These people don't want to be parents...they just want their own genetic material passed along...their "own" child, damn the consequences! Makes me so sick and angry.

We know of a couple who keep trying to have kid even though it could literally kill her! Doesn't matter though...the husband wants his "own" child. Sicko. Perverse reasoning. I've also encountered countless women with multiple high risk pregnancies who keep on getting pregnant. There should be a law against it, I say. Reckless endangerment, it is.

This is a very emotional issue for me because I do not feel that my students are doomed or that their lives are misery and suffering due to their disabilities. Many of htem are very happy, happier then most so called "normal" people I know. However, I agree that if you know that your child is going ot be sick or disabled you should likely not have one. However, I do worry that this thinking may cause some peopel to take up the attitude towards the severely disabled of "you should never have been born." Also many of my students are not the result of genetic issues but of other problems that would not be any more likely to occur in other pregnancies. However, I agree that many of my parents should not have had children due to their genetic issues. What truly bothers me though is the disgust I have seen some parents project towards my students like the women I know who asked me if I did not think they should be "euthanized." I just cant understand how a parent, or anyone else, can have that attitude. That could have been her deaughter. My feeling is if you cant deal with the risk of a disabled child dont have a child.