This was on another board. It's very funny and very true.
Thinking of Having Kids?
LESSON 1
-Go to the grocery store.
-Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
-Go home.
-Pick up the paper.
-Read it for the last time.
LESSON 2
-Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
already are parents and berate them about their...
-Methods of discipline.
-Lack of patience.
-Appallingly low tolerance levels.
-Allowing their children to run wild.
-Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behavior.
*Enjoy it, because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
LESSON 3
-To discover how the nights will feel...
-Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static
(or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
-At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep..
-Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
until 1AM.
-Set the alarm for 3AM.
-As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
-Go to bed at 2:45AM.
-Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
-Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
-Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
-Look cheerful.
LESSON 4
-Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
-Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
-Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
-Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
-Then rub them on the clean walls.
-Cover the stains with crayons How does that look?
LESSON 5
-Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems...
-Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
-Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
-Time allowed for this - all morning.
LESSON 6
-Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
-Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch
tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle.
-Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs.
-Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
LESSON 7
-Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
-Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
-Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
-Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
-Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
-There. Perfect.
LESSON 8
-Get ready to go out.
-Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
-Go out the front door.
-Come in again.Go out.
-Come back in.
-Go out again.
-Walk down the front path.
-Walk back up it.
-Walk down it again.
-Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
-Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way.
-Retrace your steps.
-Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbors come out and stare at you.
-Give up and go back into the house.
-You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
LESSON 9
-Repeat everything at least (if not more than) five times.
LESSON 10
-Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing
you can find to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is excellent).
-If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
-Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
-Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate
having children.
LESSON 11
-Hollow out a melon.
-Make a small hole in the side.
-Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
-Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
-Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
-Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
-You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.
LESSON 12
-Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV
for at least five years.
LESSON 13
-Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down
about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
LESSON 14
-Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
-Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four
years.
-You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
LESSON 15
-Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now
ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
