BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids How Is It Selfish?

Ingilbert, I'm so sorry for your frustration and turmoil. DH's cousin is sort of in a similar boat, except he lives with the grandmother and she's not as disabled as yours was, though she has heart issues and passes out, he finds her, calls 911, etc. He makes sure she's eating, taking her meds, etc. This grandmother likes to stir up trouble when she's bored - basically she sits at home and stews over things. So then she talks to her daughter in UK (DH and cousin's aunt) and gets Daughter all worked up. So then Daughter/aunt goes off on Cousin, and I have to hear what a horrible person Cousin is, etc. etc. (she and I are friends)

In the meantime, the ONLY reason Daughter/aunt is able to live in UK and her brothers (DH/cousin's uncles) are able to live their lives the way they want to (one travels extensively for work, the other travels extensively for fun) is BECAUSE Cousin is willing to live with Grandmother. If he didn't, she'd have to be in a facility where she had someone checking on her all the time!

I get REALLY frustrated with the b#tching that goes on about Cousin because I think (know?) it's motivated by Daughter's guilt (and Grandmother's disappointment) that she's not the one taking care of her mother (she has other issues, too). And grandmother has made promises to Cousin about him inheriting her house, etc. Grandmother has a spat with Cousin, complains to Daughter, they both get worked up over it, and they deny that she made that promise. Then when Grandmother and Cousin are getting along, she makes the promises again. It's an ugly cycle and it's only going to get uglier as Grandmother's health worsens. I feel really bad for Cousin because he's lived much of his adult life with her (he's 32) and if it's up to the Daughter/aunt, he'll get nothing to show for it (except a reminder that he got a "free ride" for how many years).

In any event, this grandmother had six kids, three of whom are now deceased, and the remaining three treat her like a hot potato (you take it, no, you take it). She's not a bad person, she's just really high maintenance and they all know it and don't want to deal with it. It's really sad. And why don't the other cousins help him out?? Because they've all got KIDS! (except us, but we get off the hook b/c we take care of DH's disabled brother whom no one wants to deal with, either - LONG story!)

I'm also sorry to vent and ramble off topic, but I do understand what a hurtful topic it is when it comes to family care and the assumptions people make.

lngilbert, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am mortified that your therapist suggested that you took care of your grandma to get something. Bad enough from relatives. But a trained professional?? Come on.

Like in Tbunny's situation, it sounds like these relatives have a lot of guilt. If they tell themselves (and you) that you were motivated by greed, it relieves them of guilty feelings for not being there for her. They can tell themselves, "see, she was selfish. she only helped grandma because she wanted something." They likely know that they should have pitched in and the only way to make up for their not doing so is to tell themselves you had an ulterior motive for doing what they feel they should have.

I am sorry for your situation also Tbunny. I feel very bad for cousin. Frankly, I feel that if someone is willing to take care of an elderly person in their home they should inherit the house. Cousin has allowed everyone else to have a life but himself. Taking care of an elderly person in exchange for free rent is hardly mooching. And it is not like anyone else is lining up for the job.

Ughhh. People can make me crazy!

I have mentioned before that i work for Big Brothers Big Sisters. One of my Big Brothers recently got matched with a SECOND Little Brother. He still has his other Little Brother but wanted to be there for another kid. He also volunteers with juvenile offenders and is starting to get involved with a senior center in town.

This Big Brother has no children. I don't know why that is. But this is a man who truly does serve others 24/7-WITHOUT creating his own babies. He is probably the most selfless person I know. Frankly, I think that whole "when you become a mom, you just become so selfless" is [censored] in most cases. There are parents out there who see kids as an investment...or an extension of themself...or someone who could succeed in a way they didn't...kids can make them feel like they have a purpose in life...etc.

My Big Brother has touched so many lives and has been able to do so because he has that extra time. He could have had and raised two kids...but he has positively impacted way many more kids then that!

I do really empathize with your DH's cousin. It's a rough spot. I certainly didn't have as much responsibility. That must be really tough.

But your above quote is actually exactly why my mom's other two sisters didn't help much. One sister I don't think really ever did anything.

That is why I don't go to therapy anymore.

"

Towards the end, Grandma started introducing me as her daughter. I have her on tape (we did her memoirs) calling me by my mom's name. My one aunt told me that Grandma always considered me a 4th daughter because we lived with her for a few years after my parents divorce.

Anyway, I do think that guilt and jealousy do kind of play into it. First, because she did consider me a daughter, and second, because she did always call my mom or me first in a crisis.

I feel better after venting ... thanks ... today was really awful for no particular reason.

What a shame about these situations. Similar things have happened in my family. Most people don't help out family to get something, but as a heavily leaned on family member you'd think that being remembered and appreciated would be a reasonable expectation. Nothing to feel guilty about.

My grandma sold beautiful long held rural wooded lakefront property with the help of one family member, without telling the rest of us until afterward. It hurt - not because we felt entitled to the property or the decision making process, but because they left us out of the family like black sheep in that situation. It's tough to be in a family but out of the loop on important decisions.

Those of you who are interested in CF/tax issues, read "Baby Boon" by Elinor Burkett. Her overall point is that the best tax breaks go to well-off parents and are used on stuff like buying another jet-ski...poorer parents don't benefit as much. So...if we care about children's welfare, as we so often say, is the current tax system really set up to promote that goal?

Hell, no!

Elise