BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Magazine Research - Any Input?

I thought the point about being born knowing you don't want children was a good one. I can honestly say that even as a child, I didn't want to grow up and have kids. I couldn't really articulate it at the time, but I've always known. I reconsidered in 20's because everyone around started having children or started to plan to have children. There was that pressure to try to fit into the societal norm.
My husband and I decided to not have them (and I can say that like me, he grew up knowing he didn't want children). And although making the decision to go against the societal norm was somewhat hard, I think the consequence of being surrounded by people who do fit the social norm is incredibly hard. It's really hit me lately. There are far more people who want kids than those who don't want them. And finding your place in the middle of all of that can be challenging - especially if you're living in an area where women are expected to grow up, get married and have children...I live in the Bible Belt and most women (it seems) really don't question whether or not they really want children...they just have them.

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's answers. I share much of the same feelings, so I'll try not to repeat what's been said.

My main reason for not having children is I just don't want any. Everything else is an excuse -- I could probably work around any of my life's 'obstacles' if I had to. I'd just rather not.

I remember being quite young and noticing that I was the only one not interested in babies and younger kids. As I got older, I wondered if this would change like everyone said it would. I even gave myself the deadline of age 35 just in case. Well, 35 came and went. I then had a pregnancy scare at 36 (thankfully it was a hormone blip) and realized the answer was a resounding "NO!" Husband got snipped soon after.

I'm very happy with my life the way it is and enjoy finding new ways to challenge and better myself. I feel very lucky in that I'm able to earn a living as a self-employed artist (decorative painter) and musician. My income works for me as things are, but wouldn't suffice if we brought a kid in the picture.

Hi Becca,

My reasons for not having children are not because of my career. I have many other reasons. I do not feel old enough to have a child, even though I'm 27, married, have my own home, have a career, and am a responsible adult. I just don�t want the responsibilities of raising a child. It is a lot of hard work, if you are a good parent. If I were a parent, I would give it my all and be the best I could possibly be to my child. My kid would be well disciplined and cared for completely (at least I'd try). Fortunately, I know myself well enough to admit that I am not willing to sacrifice that much. So, I choose not to have a child.

I am also very independent, and I like my life the way it is. I think one of the common things you�ll hear from us is that we do not want to give up our freedom. I too embrace freedom. I do not want to lose it by having a child. I like being able to sleep late on Saturday and go shopping when I want. I enjoy traveling (especially to the beach), gardening, and eating at fine restaurants. I enjoy reading and going out for drinks with my hubby/friends. These things would not be possible if we had a child. Or, maybe some of them would be possible, but then we'd have a child with us. If you look around when you are out, you will see that those with small children and babies look pretty miserable and unhappy. I don't want to be one of them. I want to be one of the happy ones.

In a sense, my career plays into my choice a little, but it is only a small part of the many reasons I choose to be child free. It is certainly not the main reason. I enjoy my job and work late many days/nights. I am tired when I go home and simply couldn't imagine if my child was at home to care for and discipline. I would not have the energy for it. I enjoy going home to spend time with my husband, sit on the couch, relax, watch TV, or read a good book. To me, that is MUCH more appealing. Also, I am NOT a morning person. Luckily, my job allows me to arrive at my own time. However, if I had a child, I would be forced to wake up at the crack of dawn, etc. I just do not and could not function in that time zone. I grew up in a family where the norm was to go to bed at 2:00am and sleep late (2nd shift work). Still today, it is not unusual for my parents to be awake at 2 or 3 in the morning. It is my biological clock...trust me, I have tried hard to be a morning person. I just am not. That coupled with the lack of sleep at night from the night time feedings, etc. would definitely do a number on me. I would be cranky, miserable and very unhappy.

Then, there is the aspect of actually being pregnant. I'm sorry, I just can't do it. If I ever did change my mind to have a child, I would adopt. I just can't imagine being so miserable for 9 months. Then, there is afterward -- all the physical effects of having a child. I like the way I am now and prefer to keep it that way as long as gravity and youth will allow.

I am also not very familiar with young children. I was never around babies or young children when I was growing up. All of my cousins are my age and no one else in our family had children after we came along. Further, my family's friends didn't have any small children either. So, honestly, I don't know what to do with them. I don't oogle babies/children, as I feel stupid talking weird and jumping around to entertain them. It just isn't "me" to do those things. (However, I will act the silliest ever when presented with a cute little animal. I love them!) I have no desire to hold babies and am very awkward if I do. And, I don't think I could manage to change a diaper if the world was ending. I can't even clean out our cat's litter pan. I make hubby do it. I prefer children when they are older and you can actually hold a conversation. When I was younger...13 or 14 (before I realized there was a choice), I used to say that I would adopt a girl or boy that was already at least 10.

Until a year or so ago, I hadn�t even truly given children a thought. Then, suddenly all of my friends began having them, which made me wonder if I would ever want them. When my husband and I look into our future, we just don�t see any children there. Plus, I am a total neat freak. You can�t have a child and have a house with everything in its perfect spot.

Oh my..this turned out long. Sorry! Hope this helps you with your article. Please do post a link when it is finished. We would love to read it!

Hi Becca.
I have to say that I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses; this is such a good discussion topic.
Anyway, I'm not quite a fence sitter, but I definately used to be. I was dead set against having children until about a month ago (partly because of my own childhood experiences, I think), and then all of a sudden I started to imagine more and more what it would be like to be a mother. It was very bizzare actually, and at first it kind of freaked me out.
I'm still waiting though. Partly because I have certain career goals I'd like to reach first, but mostly because of the independance that a lot of others have already talked about. I'm not ready to give up my life the way it is now.
When I do have children, I'd like to be able to give them everything they need, including my 110% effort as a parent. The bottom line is that I know that now isn't the right time,but I have no clue as to when that will actually be. I'm sort of hoping for some kind of sign I guess (just not the blue line variety). I really don't think there's any value in trying to set timings for yourself. I have girlfriends who have told me that they have always planned on being married with two kids by the time they were thirty. I just think this puts undue stress on yourself, and who needs that?
I hope this helps (although I've basically said the same things as everone else, but what can you do?). Good luck with your research.

Hi Becca,

Unlike many here, all my life I wanted children. I was in a bad marriage in my 20s and knew it would not be smart to bring a child into it. (for me as well as the child - I'd be stuck with its father forever even if we divorced.) We did divorce, and I met my now husband when I was 35. We married when I was 39, and now I'm 40. He doesn't want children. I knew this before we married and decided that our relationship was more important to me than having children. Now that I'm 40 and I feel like it's "now or never", I am having somewhat of a hard time with it. But I knew what I was getting into and I made my choice, and I am unbelievably happy in my marriage.

I am a teacher, and since I spend all day with children, I am exceedingly grateful when I come home and there is peace and quiet. I can work out and do what I want and not worry about making sure a child is completing his/her homework or have to deal with the latest crisis involving school, friends, etc.

I think with me much of my desire for a child now is due to societal pressure (this was discussed recently in another thread), because I agree with so many of the other posters' reasons as to why they don't want to be mothers. The reasons posted here are different for individuals, but they do all make sense. I don't have a logical reason for wanting a child, but I can think of lots of reasons not to have one.

You guys are great! I have really enjoyed reading your responses and appreciate the detail that you have put into them. Here's a bit of background about me, and it should answer two of the questions that have been posed: (1) whether you can see the article when published; and (2) why do I want children when I continue to put them off?

My husband and I are both attorneys. We met in law school nearly 10 years ago and have been married for almost seven years. We share a common love of traveling and go on several trips a year. In the next 12 months, we have trips planned to Louisville for our first Kentucky Derby, the British Virgin Islands, New York City, and Brazil. Our dream is to retire to the Caribbean one day. The traveling bug we have has been a big impediment to settling down to have children.

Being an attorney is not my passion. That would be writing. About a year ago, I began freelance writing on the local, regional level for a lifestyle-type magazine (writing about local and regional restaurants, hotels, real estate, weddings, events, travel, etc.). I am trying to break into writing on the national magazine level. The way you do that is write "queries" to magazines, outlining an article idea and including excerpts from the article and potential research and sources for information.

I've been thinking for awhile about writing on the topic of why women put off having children or decide not to have children altogether. If you watch the national news and didn't know better, you would be convinced that the sole reason is because women are focusing on their careers. As I have spoken with my friends who don't have children (and for me to be in my 30s, I actually have A LOT of friends my age and older who say they "just aren't there yet") and taking my own experience into account, I know that the general assessment is just not accurate. It's something else, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it or find any studies about it.

My plan is to write a query on this topic, taking into account many of your responses. I will then send my query off to national women's magazines and see what happens. (Keep your fingers crossed!) If I get an offer for me to write the article, I would then ask for any of you that would like to be quoted in the article to e-mail me with your information (of course, it could all be anonymous or a "name change" kind-of thing).

Another question for you: What magazines do you think would be interested in such an article? Redbook? Oprah? Self? All national magazines like this take queries and regular feature freelance writers. Any other suggestions?

Now as far as my reasons to have children, they are varied:

First, there is my gut reaction. When I think about not having children in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, it makes me sad. I don't want to have regrets because I was too scared to do something (and yes, thinking about having children can seem scary at times!).

Second, I have 11 nieces and nephews that range in age from 1 month to 36 years old (yes, I was an aunt before I was even born!). I spent a great deal of time with my nieces and nephews growing up. I enjoyed playing with them, feeding them, laughing with them, teaching them things. I feel like I am a good aunt and will be a good mom.

Third, I suppose I want that knowledge of someone carrying on my genes even though honestly I think that is a strange reason.

Fourth, I come from a large family, and I can think of nothing more fun than the holidays filled with children and eventually grandchildren.

Fifth and most important, it excites me to know that the someone or someones who I will love more than life itself I haven't even met yet. I love the idea of feeling my baby kick in my tummy, of holding my baby for the first time and inspecting those fingers and toes, of rocking my baby to sleep, of seeing those first steps, of hearing those first words, of reading books before bedtime, of hearing "mommy!", of teaching her ballet or him how to catch a ball (or vice versa - haha!), and I could go on and on.

I know the sacrifices will be insane and I know that my life will take the most drastic change that it may ever take, but as I type these words, I have a lump in my throat so large I can hardly swallow. I just know that I want children and eventually, it will happen. Now is just not the right time.

I hope that answers your questions. Feel free to ask anymore if you would like. I promise not to get offended by any questions asked of me or comments made. I respect your decisions and views, as I am sure you will respect mine.

Thanks again for your help!!!

Becca,
Your reasons for wanting children are great ones. I am struck by how none of them resonate for me--I wonder if other women feel the same.
First reason-I don't feel sad to think about not having children in 10, 20, 30 years. I really don't think about it, but when I do, I don't feel anything.

Second, I have a lot of younger cousins and have never enjoyed playing with them, feeding them or talking to them (at least until they got to their teen years).

Third, on rare occassion I think of a mix of my husband and I. I know they would have great hair...but other than that--it stirs nothing inside of me!

Fourth, I also come from a large family and enjoy family gatherings several times a year. But I don't like the idea of all that craziness all the time.

Your fifth reason (and I love your feelings listed here) is wonderful. But I don't feel any of that. The idea of a baby inside makes me cringe. And I would want to hand it to someone else to rock to sleep.

There is a part of me that is very envious of your feelings and desire for a child. However, it is just not me! You will make a wonderful mother someday when you are ready. I think women and men should evaluate their reasons for having a child before doing so.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and good luck with your writing! I wish I had advice on what magazines would be interested in such articles. I personally would love to see more written about women like us!

Wow CF_Gal... I think we are twins separated at birth! Your points mirror my feelings exactly.

And I agree with the poster who noticed the FREEDOM thread running through a lot of these posts. Children really do eliminate a lot of freedom in life, and we don't want to give that up.

I also think that perhaps I was born CF. I remember that as a young child I had a doll, and I remember thinking how much better dolls were than babies because you don't have to feed them or change their diapers. Also, I've never had the maternal instinct and think that kittens and puppies are much cuter than human babies.

Like many of you, I considered having a child because it seemed to be the thing to do, and my first husband loved kids and wanted to have some. Fortunately, for many reasons, I did not have any children with him, and now with my current husband I don't have to make up reasons not to have kids. I know that my life would have been a LOT less happy if I had children.

Chaco... I'm with you... I think that Becca's reasons for having children seem to be good ones, but they don't apply to me either. And the idea of having something growing inside me makes me think of Alien... or Rosemary's baby. It just seems unnatural for me... as does the idea of breast feeding. Oh, and my husband DEFINITELY enjoys the fact that my anatomy has not been stretched out by childbirth. It makes for much more satisfying loving for both of us.

Good luck Becca getting an article published. I like Self magazine... I also like First... or you could try Reader's Digest?? I think it would be great if we could get the idea out there that having children is a CHOICE, not a necessity. Maybe it would make some young women think before they get pressured into having a child that they don't want.

Career is definitely not one of my reasons for not wanting kids. In fact if I did choose to have kids I would definitely leave my career and be a stay at home mom. I actually like the idea of staying home with my dogs and 1 kid. My current job is wiht kids with severe disabiliteis so its not like my job would be a break from kids. This is just a personal feeling and has a lot to do with the fact I hate multitasking and dont think I could handle work and a kid. I have no problem with people who work and have kids, fine for htem not for me. I doubt I will ever have kids and one reason is I doubt I can affort to stay home. It seems to me if you have kids and work your life will be an endless drudgery of work, kids, work, kids. No time for yourself. Also I like my job but its not my life. My big resons for not having kids are: 1.) I just dont feel the urge and I dont think you should make such a big leap unless you feel a very strong urge. 2.) money 3.) I enjoy my lazy time and can do what ever I want especially during school breka when all the parents I work wiht our running around entertaining their kids. 4.) I have three dogs and three cats and love them and they fulfill my kid desires and also I hate the idea of a child coming before them or god forbid being allergic 5.) I value my relationship wiht my husband. 6.) I cant bear the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. I think it is sad that having kids is the default decision, like Im not sure so Ill have kids. You should only have kids if its something you are passionate about and know that you want

Becca,

For what it's worth, Marie Claire has done a CF article or two in the past.

Elise