BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Magazine Research - Any Input?

I have to say that I agree with a lot of people, although I do think that career is a big part of that factor (at times.) I don't think I could be an artist and still have the time for children, and vice versa. I've already put things on the back burner that used to be a big part of my life so that I can a) pursue my career, and b) still make money at a regular job. Two of my three jobs are jobs that I fit in when I have time (one is a freelance position, the other is just one with flexible hours.) Try getting a babysitter for that!

Also, I agree with the whole "not feeling old enough to have kids" aspect. I still feel like a kid. If I want to go to a Star Wars convention and dress up, I can. I think if I had a kid I would feel more awkward, like what is an adult doing dressing up like this? (Now I know lots of people dress up their kids and take them along, but I don't want that!)

I like that I can take off on Saturday morning and go to my family's farm. I can just take the dogs along, or leave them at home with my husband if he doesn't want to go with. We are going up this Saturday to prune the blueberries, and it's hard enough to plan this trip due to weather, I don't even want to imagine what it's like trying to do it with kids!

I also just don't want to be a mom. It cramps what little style I have! By the end of the day, I've sometimes worked a 10-hour day. I like to just lay on the couch and have my husband rub my feet, or I rub his. I like it. I am comfortable with it. I already have enough stress in my life, so why would I want to add more?

When I have desire to play with kids, I sign up for hours in the childcare at work or I go see my nephew, whom I totally adore!

Hi Becca! Glad you found our forum. I think you will find lots of great information for your article here.

Can I ask you a question? Why do you want children someday, when you outlined your reasons for putting it off the, which are many of the reasons many of us have for not ever wanting children? I'm not trying to be a smart a**, I'm just curious. It sounds like you are enjoying the benefits of child freedom as we are, and I'm just wondering why you would want to give all that up? (forgive my bluntness, I can't think of a better way to say it). So many of us continually have to defend our decision not to have children, but it's considered inappropriate if we ask why people want children. I thought maybe you could give me your viewpoint since you want children "someday" but are presently enjoying your freedom from the responsibilities of parenthood.

Anyway, thanks for writing this article, hopefully it will help parents understand the childfree better!

Cindy

Hi Becca,

My reason for not having kids is very simple. I think I was just born without any strong maternal urges. It's something I've been aware of since I was about 12 years old, when I realized that I didn't get all swoony around babies, the way other girls my age did. It's not unlike the way gay people describe becoming aware that they were gay: they were born a certain way and at some point during childhood they realized they were different from the other kids.

I love my life as it is - I have a great husband, love my work, my friends, travel, time to pursue many interests. Although I'm sure if having children was very important to me (my husband could go either way) I would be more than willing to make the sacrifices that go with having them.

It's not been an easy path. I've felt the pressure to have kids and at one point considered having one. As Kim pointed out, we are the first generation to have a choice about having kids, but we have a long way to go. We live in a society that puts a tremendous pressure on women to have children. Witness the cult of the celebrity mom. Many people think there is something wrong with a woman who doesn't want kids. You have to be pretty independant & thick skinned to make the choice to be childfree. Personally, I think a lot of women who don't want kids just give in to the pressure and have them anyway. So much for progress!

As an experiment, try telling someone that you don't want kids, and watch their horrified reaction. Not wanting children seems to be the last cultural taboo. People may blame women's interest in their careers, but the reasons for not having kids are much more complex and rarely discussed.

Good luck with the article. Post the link when it's published.

Like Becca, I wanted kids but kept putting it off, then when we tried it didn't work. No medical/reproductive issues, just didn't happen. I had plenty of time to try more after that but chose not to. Nothing to do w/career. Just enjoy my independence and lifestyle (and all the moms I know seem really tired and have very little time for themselves). The older I got the less I wanted kids. People expect me to be all sad about being CF, but I'm just not any more. I have plenty of other things going on.

I was a fence-sitter for a long time. In my 20's, I really wanted a baby, but that was probably because of my friends were having them. I always said "when I hit 30, I'm having one even if I'm not married." Then I met my husband. We got married when I was 29+. So "by 30" changed to "by 35" - our first year of marriage was REALLY hard. He's much younger, he was still in school, we were broke, etc. So it made sense to put it off. Gradually the reasons we waited fell away - we settled into our marriage, he graduated, got a good job, I got a better job, etc. But we were still putting it off. At 35, I started thinking "maybe by 37".... at 37, it was "now or never" and I had a little meltdown trying to figure myself out. But I knew I didn't want to be a 40yr old new mom. My biggest "fear" was that DH would hit 30something and decide he wanted them and I would be past that. Fortunately, that hasn't happened. And the older he gets, the more glad he is that we don't have them.

For me, it had nothing to do with my "career" beyond my naivet� of how maternity leave worked. I couldn't imagine taking 6wks off and not having a paycheck. And I do think part of it was the idea that for SO long the goal was to NOT get pregnant. I couldn't get my head around the idea that just because I had a ring on my finger, it was suddenly okay.

Sorry this got so long - obviously it's a complex issue. It's great that we have this board, where we can examine all the angles of the decision making process without judgement.

That is an excellent idea lngilbert!!

If you would like any input from a childfree male, I'd be happy to oblige.

Mike

I can sort of relate to TBunny...except for me, it wasn't even that well defined (i.e., by a certain age). It was always "maybe, later, someday". Then, around age 30, I met a new pal who was staunchly CF (in fact, she's profiled in Elinor Burkett's book "Baby Boon") and I found the online group alt.support.childfree (which, by this group's standards, is very crude, but it helped me to articulate my own thinking and begin to question my "of course I'll have kids...doesn't everybody?" socialization).

Ever since then (I'm newly 41), it's been a question of re-tooling my life. My first marriage (which was happily CF after we figured out we didn't have to have kids!) didn't make it, due to alcohol problems on my ex's part. I was remarried in 11/06 to a fabulous CF guy (also his 2nd marriage, also divorced from his first wife due to her substance abuse issues) who's had a vasectomy for years. When we got around to talking about the "kid thing" on the second date, I was thrilled to hear about his CF status, and further elated to hear he'd had the snip (I'd never been with a man who had...what a relief).

We're not particularly career-minded people...we work to live, not live to work. That said, I love my job as a music teacher at a small, arts-friendly private boarding/day high school and my hubby loves his job as a city letter carrier (lots of time outdoors on his walking route, fun co-workers, a mix of talking with people and time to walk/think during the day). Neither job pays fabulous money --- between the two of us, we make about $80K --- so being CF is what allows us to live comfortably and still plan for a retirement.

I'm the devoted auntie of 13-year-old twins, as well. They were born fairly late in their parents' lives (my brother and sister-in-law), and infertility treatments were involved. Seeing all of that, and all of what went into their upbringing so far, further confirmed my CF viewpoints. I love 'em, but being Auntie is the right balance for me.

As a musician and a teacher (both groups who have fewer kids than average, for creative and financial reasons), I find that a lot of my pals also don't have kids, although some with a sort of muted regret and a "I don't wanna talk about it" sense which is distinctly un-CF. Others are happily CF. For me, it gets easier all the time, now that I'm in my 40s. Starting a CF Meetup group last summer has also been wonderful (it's great to add face-to-face comraderie to all the online support I've received over the years. It's less about "support" and more about just going out and having a great time with other 30- and 40-somethings who don't ask you "so, do you have kids?" as their default conversation-starter).

Good luck with the article --- yes, I agree, you must post a link here! Another good page to check out is called Purple Women. a group blog for/about CF women.

Cheers

Elise

The biggest thing for me is FREEDOM! Freedom with my time and financial freedom. My hubby and I like to do things at the drop of a hat. We love our freedom. I just look at children and think "no thank you". It is just not in me. My hubby doesn't feel it either.

Most children also either bore me or drive me insane. And I have never been one to oogle over babies. But if you get me around animals I am guaranteed to oogle. I have always been a firm believer that puppies and kittens are cuter than babies.

I think that greenblue hit it on the head for me. The only reason I ever thought I would have kids was because I HAD to. When I realized that was not the case, I felt like throwing a party. It was a huge relief.

I think many of us feel that we are different from the "norm". Not just in the fact that we don't want children. Until recently, I never even thought about having kids. It was a complete nonissue for both myself and my husband. We are happy the way we are. The only reason I thought about it recently has been because, it seems, I really do have a biological clock and it started wreaking havoc on my emotions. So one day a month, my body tells me to have kids. But my mind knows what it is doing.

I guess my point is that in a sense for me, for who I am, it was not so much a choice..more just following my instinct.